Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Is it Obvious What I Believe?


Is it obvious to those who read my blog what I believe?

A comment was made to me about what my blog was about that I do not totally agree with.

So, a review of my journey in very few words.

I started this journey believing in monogamy. Though not a truly jealous sort it is what I was raised believing. After discussions, my husband and I took the fork in the road that led to swinging. While enjoyable, and at some point preferable to me, this eventually led to polyamory. Which I do now call myself. Though, I’m not above the play of swinging.

It did take a while to get to the place of believing polyamory a viable option for me. It takes a while to process how you were raised with things you are presented with and to determine if both can coexist or if you are completely going outside your realm of experience. The latter was it for me. I was not denouncing monogamy at all. Or saying polyamory was the only way to go. I reached the point of saying that I believe both are possible. It all depends on what you want, what works for those involved and how hard you are willing to work at things if a change is what you are looking for.

I just won’t believe any longer that there is only one way to have a relationship.

Currently, we are what a fellow blogger calls “accidentally monogamous”. I haven’t changed how I feel at all. My relationship with my boyfriend ended. After a hard difficult time, I was put off even trying for another by some pressure I received from someone to enter into a relationship. So, it was just simpler and less stressful to not pursue another relationship at the time. Then, I started a business on the side and now I just can not find the time. I have trouble enough seeing my husband. We have talked and are still not opposed to outside relationships. We just currently are low on the energy to pursue them. :)

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lovingmorethanone:

I believe this is a great way to handle this. Buckets…I’m truly going to have to remember this.

Originally posted on Sharon's Nonsense and Ramblings:

This was initially posted by someone else, on another site. I wish I had had this kind of knowledge 15 years ago:

My DH was NOT great at articulation at the start. It isn’t so much that he cannot articulate. It is that he comes from a background where articulation put you in the dog house. It took him a while to believe and then do and the see what I am different.

YES, if you tell me something I do not like to hear I may have a minor side GRRR moment.

I still welcome the news. No, you are not in the dog house. I just need to steam valve on the side for a moment before I can return to this thing and address it like a sane person. I go ballistic at information withheld. I do not go ballistic at information given that I don’t love…

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Life Throws Kinks Into Plans


I was chatting a bit with Chane yesterday and the subject of plans and how life seems to throw you something you didn’t have included in those plans came up.

That’s so very true.

It’s the reason he is in my life at all I was thinking and stated as much. He’s been a part of my life for years now and it wasn’t part of my plans. He isn’t in there in the capacity I envisioned at this point but I do count it a success that we have been able to get back in touch.

Most of you know, I never expected to live a poly life. And at this point, I didn’t expect to be in only one relationship. Even after the romantic relationship with Chane ended, I figured I’d eventually find another. I’m not in one.

Why? Well, it’s so many things. Some small, some not. The two biggest are getting two children through college. Financially, it’s hard to go on a date out with Dirk even. And it’s time as well. Time is a big one. Starting my business and keeping it going has left me with basically no spare time. I’ve even gotten into the habit of not ensuring I spend quality time with Dirk. He’s been understanding but my lack in that area has begun to play on my mind and my conscience lately. I have some custom orders for big project that have close deadlines and I do need to get those done. Afterwards, I want to make sure I set aside time each week with him. And to not feel guilty about not working the business.

Will I eventually find time or the energy for an outside relationship? I couldn’t say. I sometimes miss having one. I don’t feel I am intentionally living monogamously. Circumstances are just not allowing me much else at the time. I’m lucky still though. Dirk and I are good for each other.

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Versatile Blogger Award….WOW


I have been awarded the Versatile Blogger Award. Wow. And it is more amazing since I have not been here much at all for a while.

First, thank you very much myyearoflivingopenly!

There are rules for the this award and I’ll just get to those now.

If you are nominated, you’ve been awarded the Versatile Blogger award.

  •  Thank the person who gave you this award. That’s common courtesy.
  •  Include a link to their blog. That’s also common courtesy — if you can figure out how to do it.
  •  Next, select 15 blogs/bloggers that you’ve recently discovered or follow regularly. ( I would add, pick blogs or bloggers that are excellent!)
  •  Nominate those 15 bloggers for the Versatile Blogger Award — you might include a link to this site.
  •  Finally, tell the person who nominated you 7 things about yourself.

Seven things about myself:

I’ll need to be general in this since I do try to stay anonymous as much as possible.

1. I have to work at not worrying. I am so much better at letting the things go that I cannot change these days. No control over something means I can’t let it affect my health.

2. I have a collection of vampire books and movies. Dracula was the first I read and I got hooked. Some are bad but I still have them.

3. Even before I opened the business, I was constantly with a crochet hook in my hand. I have to let my creative inclinations out in some tangible way or I can get depressed.

4. I’m middle-aged. First time I’ve said that. It’s a bit significant because I didn’t start to let down my hair until about 8 years ago. I have years to make up for.

5. I love to read. Haven’t had much time for recreational reading lately…just informational books.

6. I am close to my family. My sisters are best friends and the older I get the more I realize this is the rarity and not the norm.

7. I recently started steaming Dr. Who and I like it a lot.

I will have to get back to the awards part of this. Out of time to spend online.

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OMG


I cannot believe I haven’t been here in over a month!

Starting a side business is an all consuming endeavor. Particularly when each thing you sell is hand crocheted. It is nothing for me to put in 40 hours a week at my “real” job and over 40 hours more at this one.

I’ll be honest, there are times I do NOT know what possessed me to try this. I didn’t have to listen to all the encouragement. But I’m in it. I have learned things through trial and error. Both good and bad. I have not found my true selling environment as of yet but I have ideas about that now. It’s all an adventure.

However, with so much going on, I do not have much time for Dirk and I at the moment (which we talked about this weekend) much less any other relationship.

I am still finding a bit of chat time for friendships though. Chane and I still talk. That’s a good thing.

I chat with my sisters a little less than normal but I still get the chance to stay in touch.

And I talk to my children. One of which has moved away for school. The other is going to start this month but hasn’t moved yet.

It’s just been a hectic busy time for me and time got away from me on my visiting here.

 

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Meeting Again


Not long after the one year anniversary of our breakup, Chane and I started texting again. That was strange in a couple of ways. One being I did finally get to the point of believing that was just not going to happen. The second was strange in that it mostly didn’t feel odd talking with him at all. (I believe I’ve mentioned on here that being one of the things I had been missing the most.)

Dirk and Chane have not been texting. I don’t know why. I do know that Dirk rarely texts. Even with me. And I generally initiate it.

During our talks, it came out that each couple had plans to go to the same establishment for St, Patrick’s Day. I don’t know about Chane, but for me that brought up s few questions. Would we all actually keep those plans or would one of us make new ones? If we all did keep the plans, would we see each other? By chance? By intention? How would it go? Awkward? What?

We did all keep the plans, we did see each other by intention and we did hang out together for the evening. It turned out just fine and I would repeat the experience. In particular, seeing Dirk and Chane together was uplifting for me.

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I’m Not Lost


I’m not lost. I’m just busy.

I have finally started a business, after so much urging, that comes from my creativity.

I have a craft that I love and have done for years and years. I have finally taken the plunge to see if it will work as a business. I have help from my son and his girlfriend. My youngest is the mastermind. I feel I am just the worker bee and he has all the brains. This is right up his alley.

Wish us luck.

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Thought Question #715


I’ve thought about this and I think I just keep coming back to this one thing.

RESPECT

If you have that for whomever you are in a relationship with, I feel the rest of what’s needed follows. Regardless of the type of relationship it is.

I actually have three guidelines or criteria for a romantic relationship: respect, trust and integrity (love is a given in this situation I suppose). If you have those for someone, I truly believe that it can work.

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One Year Mark


Well, today marks one year since the breakup. It took me a remarkably long time to get any kind of closure on that. And I still find I think of Chane (and Arwen too at times) more than may be normal. I don’t know. I’m never sure what normal really is any longer.

Dirk thinks of them and does miss some of our fun times but he really misses Chane. He doesn’t have many friends like he was with him.

Chane’s birthday was particularly rough for me and I’m not sure why.

Our oldest son even misses them at times and has re-established contact with Chane. I’ve very thankful that Chane has talked with him. I don’t ask about what just in case any of you were wondering. :)

Dirk and I aren’t in other relationships at the moment. Life has just gotten in the way of that. We are too busy surviving by working all that we can to have the time or finances to get out and about. It seems every time we think we are going to get at the least caught up, something else happens.

I’m a little at my wits end about that. A couple of things have gone right so far this new year so I keep telling myself that this is our year. That is will all get solved this year.

I do hope that I am not as bad as one friend has told me…otherwise, I’m headed for a hospitalization from a breakdown. Some days it does seem too much but mostly I just think we will make it through.

Back on topic….there are times I wonder how Chane and Arwen are fairing in life. Hoping things are going well for them and their family.

Dirk and I don’t avoid mentioning them to each other at all. We have some great memories of them.

There are times I wonder did I do all that I could have done to make it work.

There are times I regret how I ended things.

There are times I know I did the right thing and times I question it.

All these times are fewer than they used to be. But I wonder if they will ever completely go away. I’m starting to doubt it. Chane was a very important part of my life. You just don’t forget that and never think of it again. At least I don’t.

 

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Death and Life


One of our dogs died a few weeks ago. Though we had been preparing ourselves for it due to his age and condition, it was difficult. It’s hard to watch a loved pet go through this. He wasn’t in pain but lost the ability to eat and drink. I wasn’t prepared for that.

Our other dog has been lonely since then. And though we were not much interested in getting another dog at this time, he just wasn’t his normal self and that wasn’t a good thing to watch either.

So, after thinking, we decided to get him an companion. If we were going to get one, we both leaned way towards a smaller breed this time. Much easier to have those inside for one thing. We started looking at shelters. Rescue dogs are so rewarding.

Yesterday, I sent a pic to Dirk of a dog I had found online at one of the shelters nearby and he absolutely did not like it. Thought he was ugly. Knowing that shelters may not post pics of all that is available online he visited a couple. Ended up at the one that had the dog I sent him the info on. And that man came home with him! I was so surprised and felt him pulling at my heart almost immediately. Come to find out his picture did not do the cutie justice and his personality caught Dirk’s attention. Add to that he is an older dog, past what most people will adopt. He’s a mixture of a couple of breeds.

He and Dirk are now a part of a mutual admiration society and our current dog and he get along great. A happy addition to our family. And it’s lifted the spirits of Dirk and I as well. And our children. We all have been missing our pet and this helped us heal somewhat.

Aren’t pets amazing?

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