Not Myself Lately?

I’ve may have mentioned that I’ve been “down in my back” lately. It’s been going on a month now I would wager in varying degrees of pain. This has caused numerous other problems within my body. And frankly, I’m just plain tired of all that.

And I’ve had stress at work to say the least.

So, I’ve been told I have not been myself. I can even agree with that to some extent. But I’m still fundamentally me.

I may not be as diplomatic as I normally try to be. I may not have quite the patience I have at other times.

But I don’t think that I am so much off me. Lord, my children would have said something if that were the case. 🙂

Maybe I am demanding. I’ve stated as such here before. I can be high maintenance in the emotions department.

Do you know something? I’ve stated that I may live monogamously. Why? Because I’m stressing over a relationship that I was worried about starting in the first place? Because I thought about something someone said even when I felt my “rule?” or whatever was correct for me? I don’t know. Because it is just fucking easier? I don’t know.

So, now, I’m having to back off some from a friend. And I truly wonder at times if that friendship will ever be as open and free again.

Now that is sad and frankly irritating.

 

Fatih and Relationships

I came across a blog post the morning after Dirk and I had talked about some of what was in it. His main concern is finding faith or trusting in his ability to see past the NRE in the future.

It was such a good post that I am going to share with each of you. I hope you enjoy it and feel that if you take the time to look around her blog you’ll find a lot to enjoy and to make you think.

Here it is….How Does Faith Pertain To Our Relationships?

We Know Where We Are At

Dirk and I have been talking about what we want lately. And we have chosen to do it all I guess. Swing, FWB, poly. We’ve decided that it could all work for us on some level. We’ve decided that we are going to pursue this and we’ll work on it as things progress.

We attended a party this weekend and it was great for Dirk and I on several levels. Just socializing that much was awesome for us. We haven’t had many chances for meeting people at all lately with all that has been going on in our life as a whole this past year. So, seeing some old friends and meeting some people that will be new friends was great.

Being around so many people that are accepting of us was nice as well. This group, whether vanilla or not, was still so cool.

And apparently, I flirt. I don’t think I do that well. But it seems that some things that I consider “just being me” others see as flirting. Dirk and Eve explained that to me some. I’ll have to think on that some more. And it isn’t things I feel I can change because they are just who I am. Hmmmm…. The thing is, I’ve been compared unfavorably in recent years to others in this category. That’s the past I know but must have left more of an impression on me still than I was aware of.

I’m so very happy that Dirk had such a marvelous time. I had one as well but I get a certain kick when Dirk does. It could be partly because his time for such things is so very limited.

Thank you Jack for the party.

Polyfidelity

What does it mean when you have more than one partner and you are asked to be exclusive to them alone?

This has come up for me in a conversation with a friend recently and it got me to thinking. But I’ll use my own situation for the example.

Our relationship with Chane and Arwen was exclusive.

Does that imply anything to you? It did to me. Particularly with things that were said to me. It does to my friend as well.

It implied more than a secondary relationship to me. When we exchanged rings and a little later when we all sat down and agreed we were going to treat this relationship as we would a marriage.

Where and when did that change? Because I was a secondary to Chane. I’m not blaming one person here for this. When the newness wore off what happened? When everyone wasn’t happy, what happened?

For me, I’m wondering if I made the mistake of not realizing that the quad was more important to most than the dyads. The rings I exchanged weren’t to marry a group. I was married to Dirk and I was making a commitment to Chane. The fact that all the rings were the same was significant to me in that I was doing the best I could under the living circumstances to be in an equally committed relationship to both men and that I had made a commitment to support the whole group in whatever way I could.

It could be that more than secondaries was also the intention at the time for everyone. I’m no longer sure if I ever was looking back. But, the long distances and the work schedules and so many other things came into play. Why weren’t these addressed the way they should have been?

Why, when it became obvious to all that this was just secondary relationships, didn’t we end the exclusivity?

I knew that the secondary aspect of things was a real sticking point for me with Chane. I’ve written about it here. I’ve talked with him about it. I’ve talked with Dirk about it. I did not talk much with Arwen about it. I knew I struggled with this. And I know that I couldn’t get it.

I’m realizing that the request for exclusivity implied more to me than I was aware of at the time.

I’m realizing that this isn’t really just a breakup from a boyfriend that I’ve been healing from. For, in my eyes, he was much more than that.

I’m not sure I’d go down the polyfidelity road again.  To me it automatically puts a relationship in a certain category. I just think I may lay cards on the table about what I have to offer at the time and if it changes down the line we can readdress things.

Does polyfidelity imply anything  to you? Why or why not?

Revisiting The End Addressed to Chane

For a weird reason (not important to this), I came across the text from Chane that was the last communication we had before I ended things with him.It just confirmed our basic lack of communication.

You say you found things out on my blog that you didn’t feel I had told you. I say that I tried to have these conversations with you face to face. It was just like pulling teeth to me to get you to actually say something. I wanted so much to have a relationship with you that communication wasn’t so difficult. I need that.

At times it was a issue (with all four of us I feel at times) that we didn’t change communication styles according to which lover we were dealing with. It’s easier to stick with what you are used to doing. Like Chane was used to communicating wtih Arwen the most since he lived with her. She and and I have vastly different styles. I would rather have it faced head on….not swept under a rug. It even got to where Dirk would try to communicate with me like he and Chane needed to with Arwen. It just isn’t how I function. And, frankly, I deserve to be treated as an individual. I felt you should talk with me as freely as Dirk will. That isn’t you and I tried to meet you half  way on that.

You’ve accused me of blaming everything on Arwen. I don’t deny that I hold her accountable for many things. If for no other reason than she was unwilling to deal with things. I’m not perfect. I know this. But I don’t hide from things for the most part.

What hurts me about thinking of all this again (and I need to at times to make sure I don’t just remember the good things), is that, if everyone is honest with theirselves I’ve been told that I tried so hard with her. Both Chane and Dirk have told me that I did. In the end,you said things to me that made it sound like either, you had never thought those things and only said them to me (why the hell you would do that is beyond me) or now you no longer do.

There are so many times that I never felt I got the whole story from you. Times I felt you only offered up just enough to keep me around. Now, I ask myself, why would you do that? I never knew what I actually offered you. What you  got from a relationship with me. The best I got along those lines was once you told me that I offered you a different perspective on issues. What? I make you think? That’s it?

Back to fussing at me about what I blog about. Why read it and sit there and stew about it? Just talk to me about what you read instead of reading it and holding it in. Isn’t that what I wanted you to do to start with? But reading it and not addressing things was dishonest. You saw into me without affording me the same right to see into you. Wrong Chane. Just wrong. For both you and Arwen to do that.

I never responded much to that last long text you sent. Just told you I was walking out the door. I knew where it was and I could walk through it. But, Dirk and I are not to blame for everything either. Most specifically me. I’m the one both you and Arwen have accused. Yet, you both know that I’m willing to sit down and discuss things. I may not agree with you but I do have the willingness to at least try to see another’s POV. No matter what you said about that last talk we mediated. I made Dirk see Arwen’s side just as much as I tried to make her see his side.

You need to face up to some things on your end if you are to ever have another outside relationship.

I know that I love(d) you. I know that I tried to make it work with you. I know I’ve done my best.

Doesn’t Want to Share? Or Doesn’t Want to Share with Me?

For the most part, I had a good relationship with Chane. His main fault with me was that I felt Arwen caused the majority of our problems. She controlled our relationship more than I felt was right. Then again, he let her. And I did too to start with. Live and learn.

She’s said since the end of the breakup that she is thankful to have her husband all to herself again. That this was never her idea. Maybe not. But she is actually the one to form a “relationship” with Dirk that didn’t involve just swinging before Chane and I ever did. She may not have known about the word poly….none of us did. But, what wasn’t her idea? Having a relationship with Dirk? Then why did she pursue that? Chane and I having a relationship? Well, double standards did abound in this quad for quiet a while in favor of Dirk and Arwen.Did she have a problem with Chane having another relationship at all? Or was it just him having one with me?

I ask because, though she says she wants him all to herself, they are now paying on a site to meet others that they formerly were only free members of. She is bi, or at least when she decides to be. Are they only looking for other females?

It shouldn’t matter and in the long run, it doesn’t. But, here’s where I have issues. Chane and I loved each other. I still love him. I know she has issues but, I can not imagine asking, even indirectly by my behavior, for Dirk to end a relationship with someone he loved. Period. Much less ask him to end that and then ask him to pursue others with me after having him break things off. (Though I’m sure it would be pointed out to me that I actually did the breaking up. But I didn’t really have a choice. Long, long story.)

Now, to be fair, I don’t know the whole story to what they are doing. It just hurts a bit when I see this online. At no time did I say we should all be exclusive. That was out of my control.  Can’t say that I would have seen anyone else but it was never a requirement of mine that it was forbidden. That came from Arwen to start with.

I miss Chane. I love him and it APPEARS that sharing him wasn’t really the deal, no matter what Arwen has said. It was sharing him with me.

I can’t even say that I’m any where near ready to look for someone else. Not even ready to consider swinging again. And it’s a bit disconcerting to know that they are. For Chane has had to agree to this I imagine. Of course, I suppose there is the possibility that Arwen is the only one looking. The profile is for a couple though.

It’s amazing the things about this that can still hurt. Though I’ll be the first to admit, they have the right to do as they please.

Just wondering today (and after watching something on TV last night that followed some of the same thoughts), what is it about me personally that wasn’t worth Chane fighting for and what it was about me that Arwen found so hard to take.

Not, putting myself down here. I know I am worthy. I know I deserve to be treated with integrity. I just wonder why I wasn’t. And I selfishly wonder why I have do without someone I love.

Oh well, I’ll be better tomorrow.

Days of Truth Day Two: Something I Love About Myself

You know this is more hard than the what I hate about myself. It isn’t that I don’t like things about myself, I do. I may not have had the ability often in the past but the older I get the more I like about me. The less I find fault with me.

And that’s what I think I’m choosing today to love about myself. It’s that I have found peace with who I am.

Not that I’m say I don’t need to continue to grow as I go through life. It’s that I’m happy with the growth I’ve made until now. I wouldn’t live some things over even knowing things I know now. I wouldn’t be the same person as I am today if I had done things differently.

And overall….I like the person I am now.

I have issues still. Improvements I could make. For example, I could stand to lose some weight. However, I no longer cringe if I look in the mirror at myself naked. I used to. And this was when I was younger and things just looked better on a whole in the mirror. I couldn’t see that then. Now, I see, that while I may need to live a bit healthier, my appearance doesn’t define me.

Another thing, I’ve had enough years go by now that I also don’t have much patience with some aspects. Drama for one. I’ve had the time to learn some things are not worth the aggravation of being around that. At work, at home, or any where. Live is too short to fret about some things. You can’t be living it to the fullest if you worry about small stuff you can’t change.

I still stress about things but that’s a big thing for me to have learned. To live a happier live by learning to differentiate between what you can’t and can’t change and let the things you can’t go. I like that about the me I am these days.

I like that I realize I’m not perfect, am never going to be perfect, and others shouldn’t expect me to be perfect. I like that I’m happy trying to be the best me I can be in this point and time.

I like that I’ve finally realized I can not do it all. In fact, I’m getting older and I won’t even be able to do all that I was once able to do. And this is ok. I just have to make priorities in life and go from there. Everything can not be at the top of the list.

And I like that I try to make sure my needs are taken care of as well these days. Huge step for me.

Life is a bit out of sync these days, not bad, in fact good for the most part, but still a bit out of sync if that makes sense. But I like the fact that I can see this and know that I don’t have to panic and get it immediately purring again. That I’ve learned some things work out better if you allow them to work at the pace best to accomplish that. Full speed ahead isn’t always the answer.

I like that I am liking myself more as time goes by.

Speak Up

I’m using some things to illustrate what I feel should happen in relationships. Poly or otherwise.

Speak up when you should and especially when you are asked to.

I don’t know why Arwen wanted Chane there for the talk she and Dirk were having. I know now why he said he wanted me there once Chane was going to sit in. He was feeling ganged up on.

That weekend, Chane said he felt any talking I did went fine. During the accusations, he said that he felt both Dirk and I were telling Arwen she was wrong and wouldn’t see her point. I feel he should have said something at the time.

The truth of the matter is that neither Chane or I should have been there. We are too close to the situation. If Dirk and Arwen needed help they should have gotten outside help.

This is hindsight for me. At the time, I didn’t want to do this, I think that all involved knew that. But once committed I was determined to help as best I could. I feel Chane needed to help more. I even asked him for help a few times.

After it was all over, I was outside on the porch and Arwen came out. I asked her if she had felt I not been impartial (do not remember the exact wording) but she claimed I had. If she didn’t think so, I had given her the perfect opportunity to tell me so.

In fact, if she thought I wasn’t being fair during the talk, she should have said so. The same goes for Chane.

I feel good communication is NOT holding things back and then throwing them around in accusations later.

Breakups

It’s been a hell of a long time since either Dirk or I have been through  a breakup. So, we both may have forgotten what it is like to go through this. I can not speak for Dirk on this. Just about me.

A little hope can keep so many feelings alive. I’ve had that with Chane. Always enough hope that it was worth it to me to work on things.

And therein lies why it’s difficult for me, and yes painful. I still had that when I was blindsided by these latest events.

And it’s ok for me that I let it be known I hurt. I’m not ashamed of the love and effort I put into this relationship. I know that with the giving of love comes the risk of pain.  I’m not ashamed to say that I can miss Chane.

 

Coming Out To My Family

One of the things discussed in “the talk” was my family and how Arwen didn’t like it when they come to town on what she said is “our weekend”.

Things were better for us all when my family didn’t know. But now that they do, they feel I am pushing something they do not agree with in their faces if we all four were together with them.

I did try to warn them. But both Arwen and Chane were insistent on this. And Chane is really the only one who could say how it is to tell family. At least his version. He had been the only one to tell family until that point.

I’ve known my mother and my sisters all my life (I’m the oldest) and I really felt I knew how they would react. Chane insisted I was wrong and that he knew better. Outside looking in and all that. I was too close. And this caused some of our most heated discussions. I felt he treated me like I just didn’t know what the hell I was talking about.

He was wrong.

It’s put a gulf in some ways between my family and I. We shy away from things we didn’t used to.

Arwen says I made her unwelcome when my family was in town but I was so stressed because I had to divide my time. When what I feel should have been said to me was….”Hey, your family doesn’t get here that often, why don’t you see them while they are here and we will find another way to squeeze in time together.” Particularly when the uncomfortableness was a direct result of pressure they put on me.

And now I will be telling my family that this is over. But I will make sure they know it isn’t because I feel this lifestyle is wrong just that these relationships didn’t work.