Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Hiding things

on June 1, 2008

In our quad Dirk and I have told Chane and Arwen just about everything. Which has been very hard for me to do. Dirk hasn’t had a problem and that’s caused not a few arguments between us. I’m a very private person and I never tell anyone other that Dirk all about my life. And I’m extremely close to my sisters and my mother.

I figure that I’ll let these blogs be public one day and I need to go back and explain a few things about us and how it lead me to feel this way.

The four of us met while swinging and this poly relationship just hit us very unexpectedly. Dirk and Arwen fell hard for each other from the beginning. Later I was told that Chane fell for me quickly also even though he has trouble letting others in. (He and Arwen were looking to find all they found with us but expected it to come from 2 or 3 couples. Dirk and I weren’t looking for a relationship at all.) I, on the other hand, was the last one to admit love. I was the last one to feel it not just admit it. When things were new and before everyone had “owned up” to feelings, Chane and Arwen had another couple that they were good friends with and played with. (They are still good friends but the four of us are in a polyfi relationship now.) Anyway, Chane and Arwen didn’t want them to know about us. At that time it felt they were ashamed of us. We worked that out and they explained that they felt it wasn’t any of the other couple’s business who they were with and what they were doing. Now they know all about us and they are our friends as well though not as close as they are to Chane and Arwen.

We managed to fit in some time with Chane and Arwen last night (another thing you should know is that we live 2 hours apart). Unknown to us they had made plans to see some more friends last night to play cards after they left us. We didn’t care at all. But this isn’t the first time they’ve not let us in on things. We found out when the lady of the other couple (she works with Chane) called and wanted to know when they were coming (and to give directions to their new house). Which would have been fine if Chane and Arwen hadn’t acted like they didn’t want us to know. We feel it’s like they are treating us as the couple I mentioned earlier.It isn’t our business who they are with or where they are.

Chane does say he thought he had mentioned it to us.

Chane and I don’t often argue while Dirk and Arwen seem to enjoy it at times. Chane and I are at odds over this. I understand that he believes he told us and that he didn’t intentionally hurt me. The fact is…he did because this isn’t the first time it’s happened. And I mentioned it in the past before. I know that he loves me. I do. But he just doesn’t get it. There are things he seems to understand about me better than Dirk does and we’ve been married almost 25 years. But things like this….well, he just doesn’t get why I feel a certain way when it isn’t something he thinks I should feel. The fact is…I was hurt and we need to settle this.

He knows enough about me and that I find it hard to let people in and open myself up for hurt. The fact that I love him the way I do hasn’t always made me happy. It has scared me and this is one of the reasons…it gives him the ability to hurt me. He knows that when I am hurt I back off and shut down some at least. Unless things are handled in a timely fashion. Since he has stated his peace and “the abiltity to make him feel guilty ended last night” he thinks things are ok. It wasn’t my intention to make him feel guilty. We have been together one and a half years and the 23rd of this month will be the one year anniversary of our commitment to each other. I was just explaining how I felt to him and why. Granted, I’m not always a compassinate person when I get hurt. But I wasn’t mean.

To this I find that Dirk and Arwen are not speaking a lot right now and that Chane and Arwen aren’t either. I’m not sure what the problem is with them but I can’t fix that right now even if I could. I’ve learned that it is best for me to not try to fix things between Dirk and Arwen. It usually works out best when they handle it by themselves.

I just don’t know what to do about this. Chane chose not to see me today. Even though he knows it gives me the chance to shut down. I can’t help it even when I don’t want to. Is that my answer? That he doesn’t care if I do back away from him? That he doesn’t want to understand my point of view? We live 2 hours apart. He works one hour from me. This would have been the best possible day to get this fixed between us. Or to at least make the attempt. What do I take from the fact that he didn’t want to see me? That it was an offer and he turned it down?

What??

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