Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Limitations in Relationship Growth

on July 9, 2008

copied from my blog on another site

Limitations in Relationship Growth

Posted 7/9/2008 at 11:14 PM by gatorvol64
Most here know that I say I have two husbands. I’m wondering lately if that can be a reality or just wishful thinking.Dirk and I live together. Have for 24 years. Now, that gives plenty of opportunity for growth in a relationship as long as both parties are willing. We’ve been more than willing. And it can amaze me at times that, after 26 years together, we still are growing. Maybe I should think of the tree analogy someone used for a different reason. They don’t stop growing at 26 years if they are healthy either. Anyway, to my point. Dirk feels like my husband, I believe, because we continue to grow.

Chane and I do not have the same opportunities due to our living arrangements. (Dirk and Arwen don’t either but I feel their situation should be told by one of them.) Chane and I see each other mere days out of a month. We talk some but I’ll admit we are both bad about relying on texts and emails as our major forms of communication if we can’t see each other. How can we grow a relationship that truly resembles that of a husband and wife with so little contact? We do try to make the most of the time we have together. But that time is usually spent in a group of four. Which we all enjoy, I’m not saying we don’t. It just leaves little time for the kind of talking and sharing required for a relationship to evolve. At least in my opinion.

Where are we going to be able to go from here? We need more time to understand each other better and living apart makes that difficult. But until we understand each other better, he and I and all four of us as well, how can we live together? Work right now is one of my busiest times. I can never take time off during the first two weeks in July. Crunch time to get the budget in line for workshops. That leaves evenings kinda out too because I frequently need to put in extra hours for this. Where to find the time to see each other?

It’s unfortunate that, at a time I find it extremely difficult to get away, I need to see him the most. Some issues have arisen that can not be addressed properly until we can talk face to face. The issues are things that wouldn’t even have arisen if we understood each other better. They involve all four of us, but if Chane and I “knew” each other better we would have handled them better. We both agree with that. We have coasted along for a while now and I suppose it has given us a false sense of making progress in growing together.

We both want the better understanding between us. We’ve both plainly stated it. I know that Dirk knows I want this as well. And there are things that just he and Arwen will have to work on. And Arwen and I. And Dirk and Chane.

To put it as simply as possible, I have a strong need for privacy that I have truly had to deal with during this relationship. I have learned to control that need for the most part because so much communication is needed. And I have a very strong dislike of lies and dishonesty. No one in this relationship is unaware of that and the reason behind both dislikes. While I can learn to give up some privacy, I can not stomach dishonesty for long. There was an issue in our past that involved both. Arwen being the one to cross both boundaries. In a group meeting, not group accusation, we all calmly discussed this and while neither Dirk or Chane were happy with the situation, they don’t feel as strongly on the privacy issue as I do. (The privacy thing has come up on more than one occasion and I have made strides in requiring less. I promise.) The dishonesty hadn’t been a true issue to confront until then. Arwen said she understood why that upset all of us and why the privacy part upset me so. Promised to never do this again.

A little over a week ago, she did. The privacy invasion she has never completely stopped even though she said she would. I figured she needed to learn to do it less as I was learning to need less privacy. The lying is not something I can work on requiring less. It is a must for me. To be able to trust those I love. I’m having trouble at this point trusting her and that is something she and I will have to deal with.

What has become evident is that, Chane and I don’t understand each other as well as we thought we did. And this is just unacceptable. What isn’t evident is how we can fix this. It isn’t something that will happen overnight. We both agree. But it is something that we both feel is a must in order to have the relationship we want. Our problem is finding the opportunity to spend the needed time together.

As usual, I’ll take any advice you have to offer. Or none at all. Those of you who read my blog know that I use it a lot to get my thoughts in order. And I take you along for the ride.


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