Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

The turning point.

on April 5, 2009

I’ve been trying to figure out the turning point for us in this relationship. The point when it just i guess, “clicked”, that we were really going to be able to handle this situation that we fell into. I’m just not sure when it happened at all. I don’t think it was just one thing. I do know that as is normal, it took loads of communication. And it took a conscious effort on the part of Dirk and I to try not to get defensive from the beginning. Not to pick on him but, he would immediately get defensive whenever asked a question or a topic was brought up. This eventually caused me not to want to talk with him about anything at all. And that only hurt the relationship he and I had for years and years. That more than anything, I feel, was what came close to ending our marriage. We got to a place where we didn’t communicate any more and it was awful. Realizing what it was costing us, finally dawned on him and we both started trying to talk our feelings out.

Another thing that I feel helped turn the tide was Dirk realizing he didn’t have to feel guilty about who he spent his little off time with. Shift work means he has little off time when the other of us have it. As an example, he had a day off that happened to be a holiday to both Arwen and I. She wanted him to spend the day with her and it caused him grief to have to decide which of us to spend the time with. I more than made it clear that he could have the whole day with her but it didn’t sit well with him. I then suggested he didn’t have to chose between us. Spend half the time with Arwen and half the day with me. I’m not sure why this was a big enough problem for Arwen that she almost didn’t spend the time with him at all. She and I finally had some words over it. Constructive for us actually. I just didn’t get why she would chose to not spend time with him at all if she couldn’t have the whole day. I think she needed to feel, or wanted to feel, that she was important enough for him to chose her and not care how I felt about being left alone. She and I are different. And I didn’t word that well. I don’t get her reasoning or why she needs certain things but it doesn’t make her wants and needs less valid. She, like me, just has to realize that compromise is needed to make all four of us comfortable with a situation.

Due to a second part time job Arwen has taken, we are actually very limited in the time we all see each other now. We went from seeing so much of each other to barely seeing each other at all. I finally had gotten to the point I couldn’t stand it any more. I talked to all three of the others and found that they were feeling just as disconnected as I was…at least to some degree. I made a vow that nothing short of death was going to keep up from having date nights that week. Dirk and Arwen went out on Thursday night since they both happened to have that night off. After a bit of drama again about a date (Arwen wasn’t going to go if we weren’t going to end up spending the night at their house), they finally went. (I think Arwen wants it all at once or nothing and that just isn’t always possible.) Chane and I went out Friday night. Much needed face to face time for us all. Especially Dirk and Arwen because they just do not communicate well at all unless they can see and hear each other speak.

What was the turning point in this? Dirk came home and was very free to admit that he had had a great time with Arwen and hadn’t worried about me being at home alone by myself at all. HUGE step for him. The next night Chane and I had a great time at dinner and the movies. But as much as I needed that time with him, I really think I was happiest about the way it had gone for Dirk. I was so thrilled he had had a good time and was able to be unconflicted about it.

I have the day off Friday. After going to a work function with Dirk Thursday night (not somewhere he can show up with the girlfriend instead of the wife), I will be spending some time with Chane on Friday. Neither Dirk nor Arwen have the day off and that makes it easier for us to see each other. I’ll make the effort to let you know how it went.

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