Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

I miss my husband.

on April 19, 2009

And I’m feeling selfish I suppose.

I miss Dirk. As I’ve said, he works shift work. For the last two weeks and for the next week, he has been working 12 hour days. Most of which have been 4pm to 4am. Now they are 4am to 4pm. We haven’t spent any real time together other than a few minutes here or there because he is either at work or asleep. And he can’t help this. Granted, he isn’t seeing Arwen either. Not getting the chance to talk with her alot due to their conflicting work schedules.

But I miss him.

This coming weekend is his one weekend off a month and I’m feeling selfish. It is always assumed that we will spend that weekend with Chane and Arwen. And though I’ve long ago had to accept that she gets his good time most often (the unstressed time off) this arrangement has been working. Now, Chane needs to go see his family this weekend. We usually go with them. His mother and sister know about us and are very accepting of the situation. We’ve spent some time with Chane’s father but he hasn’t felt able to tell him our relationship. I fully understand that. I haven’t told mine either. Actually, Chane is the only one to tell any of his family. But, his dad specifically asked him to come over. Seems he is getting married on May 9th and has been asking Chane to come over for two weeks. Arwen has worked both those weekends. She has asked us to go with them to see his family.

I’m hesitant because this is mostly for Chane’s dad and I don’t want anything to interfere with this time for him. And I want this weekend with Dirk to myself. I know selfish. I’m afraid to mention not seeing Chane and Arwen because I know they will be offended and hurt. And while I feel I have a good reason for us to stay home while they go without us, it will not be perceived as such. And I know Dirk and I will miss them. I do.

I need time with Dirk. If it were a weekend off that Chane and Arwen were not traveling out of town, I would suggest splitting the time up. But this is a either or type situation due to the need to travel.

Part of me feels really awful for even considering not seeing them since our time with them is so limited. I just feel soooo disconnected with Dirk. He has had some really difficult weeks. I want and really need some quality time with him. Well, basically, I just need time with him. What should I do? And I know you can’t really tell me what I should do. I think I just need some perspective here.

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