Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Near death

on July 5, 2009

ist1_264981-near-death-experienceI’ve been busy taking care of Dirk and didn’t have time to get online for anything and as he started getting a bit stronger I have avoided posting because I just didn’t know quite how to tell the story or if I wanted to dwell on it in any way. So much has been going on and I’m afraid I won’t be able to keep each issue separate when posting. I’ve definitely been writing in my private, traditional journal. That is always with me whereas a computer is not and is something I can always get my hands on. Once written there I sometimes do not have it in me to go through the whole thought process again to get it out here. Especially when this blog is not really viewed by others. I started it with the hopes that all four of us would eventually contribute in some way and maybe help others like a view poly blogs I read on a regular basis…I believe those are down to two at the time because the others involved relationships that no longer together. Anyway, I digress. It became more than apparent that none of the other three were interested in contributing to the blog. Now, I try to share something upon occasion. I do think I’d share more here if I thought it were helping anyone at all.

As I try to separate the issues we are currently going through, I’m going to try to deal with Dirk and the scare he gave us and himself.

Dirk started hurting the first Wednesday night in June and by Thursday morning he was hurting very badly. It just so happened that this was the first time in months that Chane and Arwen had been down to stay with us during the middle of the week. (Read the last blog I believe on our goals to spend more time together.) Dirk thought it was a case of food poisoning. He had had one previously and it seemed to feel the same though maybe a little worse. By Friday he was hurting so bad that he called the doctor himself which was a true tell in itself. He discovered he had a severe internal infection and, while they suspected that his gallbladder was involved, the infection had to be gotten under control before it could be determined what the true reason behind the infection was. He went on a high series of antibiotics and by Monday he thought himself on the road to recovery. Had more tests in additions to the ones he had on Friday. His bloodwork was looking better even. Went back to the doctor Tuesday morning but by then he and I knew something was not right since he was feeling worse than he had on Monday. Long story short, he was referred to a surgeon. Test showed he had gallstones, yes, but the worst was a perforated bowel and that is what was causing the internal infection.
Dirk was admitted to the hospital Tuesday afternoon and was in surgery early Wednesday morning.

During his surgery had the worst feeling that he wasn’t going to make it through the ordeal. Not a normal thought for me. I handle things like that well for the most part. I prayed but I also cried because I was so worried. I’m ashamed to say that I couldn’t even hide it from my children and my mother who was down at the time. After talking to the surgeon after the surgery was over, I realized I had every reason to be so worried. Over that talk and several with him during the following days, he told us that one of Dirk’s gallstones was the size of an acorn. But the mass he cut out of his intestines was the size of an eggplant. He doesn’t know how anything was getting past it or really how Dirk had even been going to work and such. He was totally amazed he was able to piece the intestines back together at the time of the surgery and not have to give him a colostomy and go in later and reconnect things. Now, this didn’t just happen overnight. It took probably a year for Dirk to get into this shape. Its just that the symptoms resembled others he had had that were not life threatening. Looking back he can see the difference in what he thought was going on and what actually was. Hindsight is always better.

So, while I was most scared during his surgery (Chane and Arwen couldn’t be there for that), Dirk was most scared late Wednesday night/early Thursday morning. Seems the ICU staff were trying to get him to wake up. He didn’t understand why because he was trying to talk with them and was looking at the monitor. After listening to him and asking a few questions, he and I have come to the conclusion he was having an out of body experience. Over the days following the surgery and this event he has remembered more and more about what he was feeling. He can tell you so much more about the whole event. He was very scared. He was very near death and it has made him think closely about some things. Things he has been letting go for a while…which will be my next blog entry I believe.

Right now I just want to say how very glad I am that he made it through this and we still have some time together. We made it to our 25th wedding anniversary on the 30th of June. Didn’t get to go on the trip we had planned but I feel that once he is healed and we do go (it’s just postponed) that Dirk will have an even better time than he would have. He is going to be telling himself he didn’t realize he had felt so bad since things gradually got to the point they were and he’ll feel so good once he is past the healing of his surgery.

During the time after his surgery and all, Chane and Arwen were here a lot and both were very worried about him. Arwen continued to do some of the things that totally irritate us all. And considering all we are going through with our quad at the moment I just can’t go into them here. If anyone reads this, and wants to know about them, just ask and I will share with you however you wish. Privately or I’ll write a blog about it. I’m just limiting how much I go back into things so as not to overwhelm myself. We are really going through a lot right now. I’m just trying to document a bit of it here in the hopes that it will be of help to myself and maybe others and that I can elaborate in the future.

I love this man so much and I’m so thankful he is still with us!!!!

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