Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.


on August 3, 2009

875413_balance“The hardest-learned lesson: that people have only their kind of love to give, not our kind.” Mignon McLaughlin

Chane and I are at odds right now. It all started over him having sexual feelings for someone else. Or what I believe are such feelings and he denies having them. Since I can’t actually get inside his head and it is important to him for me to believe him, I will. But it wasn’t him having such feelings that caused a problem for me. It was how I felt he was treating me because of them. I don’t care if he has an interest in someone sexually or romantically as long as he still treats me the same. I realize if he were to have another relationship that my time with him would be less. And truthfully, I’m not happy with the lack of time we currently have but I do want him happy. And if he chose someone like this, he would have many more opportunities to spend time with her than me so, I think he’d still see me as much as we are now. I just expect to be treated well…I refuse to go down the NRE path the way I had to go down it with Dirk. I will never let myself be pushed to the side, ignored and mistreated in other ways again to keep someone’s love. If they can’t give it to me respectfully then I don’t need it.

So, through all the discussions the original issue started, greater issues have come to bare. He hurt me by doing (telling) something he knew I wouldn’t want told. Because he didn’t do so intentionally, it slipped out, he feels this hurt isn’t important. He has basically told me that just because I am hurt and/or something is important to me doesn’t necessarily mean it is important to him. Now, I just don’t get that. The mere fact that I love him means the things he finds important are important to me…whether or not I understand why they are important to him.

So, while I do believe he loves me, I’m beginning to wonder if we have the same definition of love. If we love the same way at all.

We last talked face to face Friday night. And didn’t get a lot resolved. He feels the issue is that I shouldn’t have ever gotten it into my head he desired someone else. My issue originally was that he ignored me. We got past that but in the meantime he did something to hurt me and it did appear intentional. And he says he can sorta understand how I would feel that way. But it wasn’t intentional and doesn’t see what the deal is. The big deal is that…although it wasn’t intentional, it still hurts that he could do that to me. And that issue falls by the wayside in comparison to the fact that he doesn’t feel it matters that I am hurt. That he doesn’t find the things I find important, whether they be hurts or joys, to be important to him all the time.

I do not do unresolved and unsettled well. I need to have things worked out. I don’t function well by just letting things go and not addressing them. We didn’t get to finish things because he and Arwen had to go to a funeral out of town over the weekend. And Dirk and I were not able to go with them. I point blank told him what a difficult time I was going to have (although he should know this without being told by now). I told him I would need some contact with him for reassurance even if that contact was just text messages. Now, here’s the deal…I rarely ask for anything and let my needs and wants go in order to have the other three in the quad get their needs and wants met. And I rarely, rarely resent doing this. That is just who I am and I can’t change it much even if I wanted to. However, this was a VERY important need I had and I did in fact ask to have it met. He failed to do so and when I complained (after he had made it through the difficulties of the funeral) he berated me for having asked in the first place.

Can you possibly understand how badly that hurt me? Not only am I not important enough to have him meet a need of mine he fusses because I asked. Said Arwen may have a problem over the weekend and was worried about her. He absolutely knew I was miserable and didn’t even check on me. I heard from him once without me making contact first. And that wasn’t until 4 Sunday afternoon. Not even to tell me he wasn’t going to be able to make it to my house Sunday night to talk some more. He left it up to Dirk to tell me that. Not once did he spend two minutes sending a text to just tell me I was on his mind. My needs came in last.

And he wasn’t going to come talk with me until this coming weekend because he was trying to put a perceived need of Dirk’s first. Me last again. Knowing how much I need to get this resolved between us. He and Arwen will be here tomorrow night.

Now, I’m used to my needs coming in last as I am often putting them there myself. But they are very rarely of this magnitude for me. I am making a stand here. I deserve to be at the top of the list occasionally. I deserve to know I am important to those I love occasionally.

Am I wrong to feel that way?



One response to “Unbalanced

  1. redsirenn says:

    Absolutely not. And not occasionally either. One thing I realized is you do not have to settle, ever. There are soooo many people out there that he should know that you do not need to settle. He should feel blessed to be in your presence and counting his lucky stars. You sound like a strong woman who knows what she wants… go and get it.

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