Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Journal

on August 6, 2009

995732_diaryI’m really trying to keep this blog up to date lately and hoping it is something others want to read and even may help someone. However, I keep a traditional journal as well. This is strictly for me. It is where i ‘talk things out’ so to speak. Where I write and write until I figure out what my problems is. Where I write until I figure out what is causing me to feel a certain way…usually some way that I don’t like or that can cause a problem in my relationships. These things are much to personal for me to share on a public blog. No one reads this. That is why I can say anything I need to in the journal. Anything that I have inside me that I don’t know how to get out, that I would just hurt someone saying it as I do in the journal. If it is something that I need to share with someone, lovers or here, I always have a better way to say it after I journal it out.

All this to get to the point of I finally figured out why I over-reacted to Chane and this young girl. I’m scared and that makes me insecure. While I truly felt that I wasn’t jealous I could have been wrong on that. Insecurities normally bring out jealousy in me…or rather, any time I am jealous you can safely say that its a 99% chance that is due to insecurities. I’ve been scared and insecure for a while now. All the problems between and my men (Dirk and Chane) brought home to me just how precarious my relationship with Chane is. Not due to any negligence on our behalf. But due to the fact that the foundation of our relationship, though strongly built, is built upon sand. The sand of Arwen’s whims and wishes and even selfishness I suppose. It was shoved squarely in my face that if Dirk and Arwen did not make their relationship work, Chane and I wouldn’t be allowed to continue with ours. Dirk is ok with it. Arwen has stately out loud and very plainly she would not be. And she also said that, if something were to happen between Chane and I, she wouldn’t continue to see Dirk. Regardless of the fact that both Chane and I would be ok with it. She has even said that if she and Dirk didn’t make things work she wouldn’t be ok with Dirk and Chane being friends any more because she would be jealous. Words straight from her mouth. Now, tell me how I can feel secure from one day to the next that I am going to be able to have a relationship with Chane at all.

This insecurity lead to my over-reaction I believe. And to why I am finding myself uncomfortable with swinging at all right now when I’ve always been the one that was ok with that. I know Chane loves me. I really do. But what if Arwen decided she would rather Chane had a relationship with someone else? Whether it was a strictly sexual one or a romantic one. Not in addition to one with me but in place of the one he has with me. Where the hell would that leave me? Heartbroken for sure. Because, Chane would do that. He’s told me that he can’t be with me unless the quad relationship is a whole.

So, while I’ve always known who had the most control over these relationships, it seems she has ALL the control. I have none. I was even accused of having to always be right during the conflict between Chane and I. By Arwen. She brought up my past in a very distasteful way to try to show Dirk that all this was my fault. She gave me a timetable to have things fixed in (when no one has ever suggested she and Dirk have to work things out on a schedule). She tried to be in the middle of it all. To control it. While Chane and I were talking the first time, she kept sending Dirk into the room to see how things were going (and he should have refused). How can I not be insecure when she tries to control even my arguments with Chane?

How am I going to get past this?

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