Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Inconsistencies and Walking Blindly

on August 26, 2009

78521180Sometimes I feel like I am walking around blind. Anything that I have learned throughout the course of this poly relationship amounts to basically nothing. Otherwise, would some things be able to throw me off balance?

I am more than honest with Dirk about how deep my feelings for Chane are. I love Chane basically as much as Dirk. Well, not basically, I would say that I do. However, my bond with Dirk is stronger. Yet, Dirk says his feeling for Arwen doesn’t go that deep. Which, if you look at it, is ironic. What he says with words he feels for Arwen and what some of his actions say he feels are inconsistent. Some aren’t.

Because most of the time his behavior matches his words I get used to that. The times words and actions do not match, are times that it is most important for me that they do. I don’t have a problem if he has strong, very strong, feelings for her. I just need to know what to expect in a situation. If you say this, mean this, and act like this. Otherwise, when you act differently, I am completely thrown off balance. Not always hurt. Maybe rarely hurt any more. Just confused.

It seems that I always have to have something to complain about. I do not like drama. Disagreements and arguments that are not drama ridden I do not have a problem with. They can be beneficial. But I’m a planner. I need structure. I’m so much better than I used to be but still I need it since that is just how I function best. When I get inconsistencies in my life from someone I have taken great efforts to understand and support where he is in his life (and who is more than aware I need the structure) I get turned around and dizzy. Off balance. And I have to find a way to steady myself.

Am I being irrational? I don’t mind spontaneity at all. But core beliefs and honesty are major things for me. Is it that Dirk is not being honest with me about how he feels for Arwen and it just surfaces unexpectedly sometimes? Or is it that he isn’t being honest with himself and it surfaces sometimes?

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