Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

What is Compersion?

on September 2, 2009

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COMPERSION: a feeling of joy when a partner invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.

A few questions and it may make it easier if I answer them in relation to Dirk and I so that I don’t get carried away.

What is compersion specifically to me?
Basic short answer is I’m happy to see him happy.

Longer answer is I want Dirk happy and to experience every thing he can out of life.I felt that way before I knew what poly was or the definition of compersion. It is part of the reason we are here. When Dirk realized he loved Arwen, I was willing to explore where that took us. I saw things she did that made him happy. I always have, even through our most difficult times. And I’ve always wanted him to be happy. We, particularly Dirk I think, had to come to terms with being happy with both of us at the same time. Things always seemed to be in an uproar until he figured this out.

I have a problem of getting protective when Arwen isn’t making him happy. I’m better about be able to just sit back and let things work out.

What example can I give of feeling compersion?

This is an easy one since I had a great moment to feel this way over the past weekend.

It’s been a while since things have been really good between Dirk and Arwen and they’ve been working through some things. He talks to me some and has told me that, while he is not happy with the way things are now, he doesn’t want to go back to the other end of the spectrum where NRE and more affected him so badly. He would like a middle ground.

Saturday morning, after spending the night with Arwen, Dirk and I were in the kitchen searching out breakfast. He mentioned how things had gone the night before (generalizations and not specifics). I listened to him and then he summed it up with ‘more like things used to be’ and he was smiling and in a good mood. Now, I thought, isn’t that the middle ground you were searching for? All I did was reach over, grab his face and softly kiss him Happiness for us both. Compersion, yes?

What could prevent me from feeling compersion?

While deep down in me is the fact that I want Dirk happy–no matter what it takes, I am only human. And a very imperfect one.

The answer is jealousy (for another post), 99% of the time, at the root of my jealousy is insecurity of something. This can cause me to not feel compersion.

Over the last two and a half years, we’ve gone through so many stages and have grown so much. Compersion hasn’t always been there for any of us but I hope it continues to improve and grow as we work hard for this relationship.


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