Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Stepping Back

on September 9, 2009

ist1 2880202 walking away

I’m just going to have to face some things about my relationship with Chane. While I do believe he loves me, he has no real interest in meeting any of my needs that make him put forth an effort. He meets them if forced to my one of the other three of us.

I can not tell you how often I’ve told him it’s important to me to see more of him. As a dyad particularly. He stresses how important the quad is to him. Though he does say, when I bring it up, that he’d like to spend more time with me. He even mentioned working it out so that we could have one overnight together each week. Thinking back on the original conversation (been more than one), I can not remember in what context he meant this. Us only or the four of us together until bedtime. I was talking about just he and I when he brought this up so, I admit, I just assumed he meant the two of us. I could have sworn it was said that Dirk and Arwen could do the same when they wanted. That we didn’t all have to be free at the same time. And he has told me twice now that he would walk with Arwen about this. I have already talked with Dirk several times. As far as I can tell, he hasn’t talked with her. And in the meantime, she has gotten a 2nd job. Thereby, making quad time extremely difficult to schedule—maybe once a month.

Back to Chane and I spending time alone. I made it plain to that I had Labor Day off (he had it off I found out but he didn’t tell me) by telling him, putting it on the quad’s shared calendar and mentioning it again. I’ll admit I did not ask him to do anything specific. I am the one that is always trying to see him. I’m to the point that I feel I am pushing myself on him. He was aware I would like to have seen him that day (both Dirk and Arwen were working). Dirk even asked him at some point what we were going to be doing.

Needless to say, we didn’t see each other at all. And the only communication he gave me that day was to text me two lines. I was upset and disappointed the whole day. Even the days before were disappointing be cause he never asked anything. Excuse me—-he did mention me going to his house Saturday (on Saturday) to watch a football game (that I might could have gotten there in time for). But he know I couldn’t do that before he said something. He knew I had a responsibility I had to fulfill for the family that day.

Then Monday night, Dirk called him for some things and during their talk he mentioned to Chane I was cranky and taking it out on him (all true unfortunately). Had to end up explaining to Chane why I was upset. Chane told Dirk he just spent the day at the house. (From that conversation, Dirk came home and told me that he doesn’t think Chane is mature enough for our relationship…that’s bad seeing as how Chane is his best friend). Then Chane told him what he had cooked for supper—Dirk said that sounded good and Chane said to come up and get some. Mind you, it’s 8:30 pm, they live 2 hours away and they have already eaten. Would you go at that point? Dirk told him he should have asked earlier (we would have gone) and Chane said I know.

So, why is it Chane won’t spend time with just me other than in bed a night when we have all four spent the day together? Why does he even say he wants to? Why does he only ask when he know it’s impossible to do? Why isn’t the fact that it would mean so much to me enough to make him put a bit of effort onto seeing it happen?

I’ve come to the conclusion after many talks with him that he is only interested in the quad relationship as a whole. Sex with me is a part of that.

I told Dirk I wanted to date others. To see if I could find someone willing to meet these needs to spend time together. Some comments he made make it apparent that he is not comfortable wit that. So, now there’s no point in telling Chane I want to do this. I can’t do something Dirk  isn’t comfortable with. (And he knows this is something I need—the connection of time spent together.) When I told Dirk that I wouldn’t date, that I’d just deal with what I had, he was happy. But he knows that I am not.

So, one man just refuses to give me what I need. The other wants to hide from the fact I have needs.

Mostly, I hurt because Chane won’t meet them. I do all that I can to meet any need or want I’m aware he has. How it it that I do so much of the giving without getting a lot in return? I was getting my needs met better when Dirk and I were monogamous.

Go back to monogamy or date others? That seems to be my only choices if I want my needs met.

Status quo will be what actually happens. And I’m going to have to take steps away from Chane in the hopes of not wanting things he is unwilling to give. The question is…how far away from him will I have to go to accomplish this?

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One response to “Stepping Back

  1. hannahnow says:

    Stepping back is a good idea. But even with that you seem to be working to hard at it. It seems everything revolves around him. I think you have your answers, I’m just not sure you’re willing to face them!

    Hannah

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