Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Is It In Our Nature?

on September 20, 2009


I belong to a couple of forum boards and the following is a question posed on one and my response. I wonder what some of you think about this.

I’ve had this on my mind for a while now, but is being poly, and even swinging in our nature? Society says that you are only allowed to love one person. If a woman is sitting in the park with her two boyfriends and her two girlfriends, and she is openly affectionate with all of them, people will look at her like she the biggest slut, when in fact she loves each of them. I know people look at swingers and must think, “Oh my God, have these people done everything sexually possible, and the only way for them to get off now is to have sex with other people,” when in fact it’s something that they both enjoy and have an agreement about. I don’t think that there is anything wrong with monogamy, but I do think that we limit ourselves. Just like homosexuality is natural. Some of us are, and some of us aren’t. Then isn’t it also in our nature to be polyamorous? Some of us are and some of us aren’t. I expressed this to a friend of mine, and she told me that I’m just a cheating dog and that she feels sorry for whoever I date.

my response
So, what you are asking is…is non-monogamy in our nature? Right?

I have to say that yes, it certainly can be. Maybe even is period.

I do find it “natural” to find others attractive. Anyone who claims that they never find someone else other than their SO attractive is either lying or way to obsessed with the SO. What you do with that attraction is the point. Swinging, open marriages and polyamory are ways of admitting this attraction and dealing with it ethically.

I also find it “natural” to love many people. And most agree with that. They just limit romantic love to one person. And, just as above, if you find you love someone else, it is what you do with that love that matters.But I wonder at times how many people would still feel that loving more than one was the only way if they knew they were free to love more than one person at a time.

Now, I have not always believed some of this. Once I left the church and started thinking for myself some things changed. Swinging wasn’t hard to do really. After all, I was sharing this with my husband. And I know sex doesn’t have to include love. Knew that even as a sunday school teacher and the wife of a deacon.

Now, sharing my husband with someone else emotionally wasn’t easy. Loving one person at a time in much more ingrained by society I think. And you have much more of yourself invested in the process of love than just a physical act. You are vulnerable in many ways here.

Through my journey since 2005, through swinging and polyamory, I’ve learned that people are capable of more than the world will let them know they are. Can everyone get past what they have been taught even if they suddenly believed all this was in their nature? No. Absolutely not. Some won’t be able to stand up to the work of relearning and some just will not want to. I was very happy in my marriage of 20 years. I have a different life now in many ways. But I am still happy in my marriage of 25 years. And if it came down to it, I could still be happy with just Dirk in my life…sexually and romantically. It’s all in the depth of my love for him and what we have come through in this world together.

While I could be happy in a monogamous relationship with Dirk again, I will never again believe that is the only way.

Hmmm….so, I guess all that boils down to it depends on what you do with it. I think a lot of things can be in our nature. Whether good or bad. Certainly many bad things are done by people in the world. What you do with things you feel is the answer. No hurting others seems to be the answer.



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