Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Born To Cheat? The Nightline Faceoff

on September 26, 2009

CNI0773895_VeerThe writer of one of my favorite blogs wanted to address this topic .  Jenny Block and Noel Biderman (founder of Ashley Madison) faceoff against a minister and a former sex addict on the subject of monogamy and adultery. She, however, chose not to discuss the show because she felt she would just sound bitchy and argumentative. So, since I find I’m in the mood to not mind being either of those things, I will attempt to address this, albeit not as eloquently as I feel she could have.

First, let me explain and state plainly that I AM a Christian. OMG, how is that possible you may wonder. Simple, I do not feel my beliefs on monogamy are contradictory to my faith. Both the minister and the former addict stated everything I was raised to believe. I had been taught all of that. And I truthfully do not have a problem with what they believe marriage is…I just now believe, through study of my own and not following the pack, that marriage can be different. I do not agree with their definition of adultery any longer. As for Noel, while I can not believe that adultery is good for a marriage, he did have some valid points. And Jenny…well, she more closely states my views than anyone on the panel.

As I sat listening and watching this episode today over the internet (the link is in my first sentence of this post), I wanted to be there and pose my arguments. It’s true that the bible states to love your spouse as Christ loves the church. Unselfishly and unconditionally. And my argument is….I do love my spouse this way. How much more unconditionally and unselfishly can I love him? Aren’t I doing that when I do not limit his happiness to just what I can give him? When I am not out to own him, his emotions or his sexuality?

But, I think the difference here is in much part due to what is considered adultery. The religious argument is that it generally involves sex. While, I think it involves truth and lies between spouses. They say it is breaking a convenant. I agree with that. They say that the covenant is defined by God. I can even agree with that. They say that the bible states from cover to cover that marriage is between one man and one woman. I can not agree with that. They say that while it is true that polygamy was practiced in the old testament that God didn’t condone it. I can not agree with that. If He didn’t condone it, He would have stated as much. He often stated what he didn’t condone. He always let it be know what a sin was. While I can see vaguely why they may say He didn’t condone it since He never specifically said it was ok. I tell you that He didn’t condemn it either since He never specifically did that either. In fact, when David took Bathsheba for a wife, God didn’t rebuke him for that. He condemned him for killing Uriah, her husband, so that he could have her.

I see no true argument that marriage is one woman and one man. And I see no argument that adultery is sex outside of marriage.What I see through study is that adultery is stealing. In old testament times especially, a woman was thought of as a man’s property.I see adultery as being deceitful and untruthful. I do not see a covenant written that states I can not have sex with another man. I see that I should honor the covenant I have with my husband. Well, surprise here for many of you…I AM honoring the covenant I have with my husband. I always have. When that covenant was for us to be monogamous I honored it. When we renegotiated the covenant between us to include sex with others, I honored it. Now, here is where the covenant between us was broken. We agreed to be able to have sex with others but emotions were not to be allowed beyond friendship of any kind. Dirk did break that covenant. He’ll admit that. But, we chose to renegotiate again. Instead of him ending things with Arwen and us moving on with the covenant we had or going back to the covenant of monogamy, we chose to include love for others in the covenant we had with one another. So, through all of this, the only time adultery entered into our marriage was when Dirk fell in love with Arwen. That was dishonest to an extent because he knew he should be avoiding that. It was breaking our covenant…and therefore, it was adultery.

I have prayed and prayed on this. How could I not when I was raised as I was. I talk with God. Do not be mistaken in thinking I do not have a relationship with God just because I not longer participate in an organized church or because I have learned to think for myself about what God wants for my life. I do have a relationship with Him. And I do know what it feels like for Him to be convicting me about something that is outside His will. He is not doing that about our polyamorous lifestyle. He gives us free will. Free will to make wrong, sinful choices and free will to think for ourselves.

He is a God of love and He created sex for us to enjoy. I just do not think He created sex to be what holds us together. I can not describe to you how much I love Dirk. The depth of love we had to feel for each other to trust each other enough to open our sex life to others. And the even greater amount of love it took to overcome the adultery and move on from there in opening up our marriage to others for us to love.

Again, I have to ask, how is that not loving as Christ wants us to? How is giving each other the freedom to love others and enjoy sex with others not unselfish and unconditional love? Not limiting what we can each experience in life and the happiness and love we can give each other is love to us.

Well, I know I didn’t address this topic as well as it deserves and I’ll later think of things I should have included but, I did get a bit of it off my chest.

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2 responses to “Born To Cheat? The Nightline Faceoff

  1. IntrigueMe says:

    I think you did a pretty decent job at addressing this. I personally, don’t have much experience with your lifestyle- I have always had more traditional values but I am now starting to wonder if that’s the way I want to live my life. Strange the places this life takes us. While I do understand the point you are making in your post (and this is a little off topic)- I do not believe in the Ashley Maddison site. I was in a committed relationship (engaged) with someone who used this site without my knowledge in order to commit adultery. That was the single most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to me. I do not believe in sites that encourage deceit and adultery- I do however think that sites for people who want to live a lifestyle such as yours- are fine. It’s all in the purpose.

    I just found your blog today- it’s interesting. Thanks for sharing.

  2. ourquad says:

    I agree with you. I think the ashleymadison.com is deceitful. The whole think with polyamory is that it is informed, consentual non-monagamy.

    I understand living a more traditionsl lifestyle. I do not have a problem with that. I could live monogamously with Dirk again. I just will never again be able to believe that is the only way.

    No matter which path is chosen, or which is best for a relationship, honesty has to be at the heart of it. And there has to be respect for the other person(s) in the relationship.

    I’m actually glad you found my blog interesting. I started it long ago it seems but didn’t keep it up. I read a few other blogs regularly and they are helpful to me. I forum I belong to was looking for blogs that dealt specifically with quads. Since I had started to post more frequently, I invited others to look at mine.

    It may one day be of help to others the way a few are of help to me. I hope so. And, though we have to stay in the closet somewhat, it gives me a small chance to be an advocate.

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