Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Out of the Closet to My Family

on October 15, 2009

IZI0008781_VeerWell, I did it, finally. I told my mom and the two of my sisters that are in town this weekend that we are polyamorous. Now, they’ve met Chane and Arwen before but as our best friends.

I thought, and now know, that some of this was suspected. Knowing my family, I felt if they wanted those suspicions confirmed they would ask me. But, I have felt like I was living a lie with them and I just couldn’t keep doing that since honesty is so important to me. Truthfully, at the beginning, I just wasn’t prepared enough to know how to answer questions they might pose and we have had to work through so many things that I didn’t feel confident enough we would make it at times for me to add the additional emotional stress of telling them to what I was already going through.

January will be three years since we all met and I think we’ve made it to a point that it was more stressful for me not to tell them that it was to do so.

Mom wishes I had just let her suspect. She is, however, good at denial and I feel can soon find herself there again if she needs that to cope. In fact, I told her if it made her feel better to just go back to thinking of them as our best friends because they are. Everyone’s main concern is that Dirk and I are doing fine as a couple. I understand that. Hopefully, it will eventually be like with our youngest son, and once they see that we are good it won’t concern them any more. My sisters didn’t have much to say. I have told them that if they come up with questions they’d like to ask I will be happy to answer them.

I was in an odd mood afterwards and just wasn’t up to posting about this last night. Today I’ve decided to just be optimistic about things.

I’ll be honest and say that I have felt a little pressure at one time or another from Chane and Arwen about doing this. Or at least it was perceived pressure. Arwen is a bit jealous of any time I spend with my family and I don’t know if she has thought it would help for them to know about them or not. Chane, if anyone, has a right to say something I guess since he has long ago told his family. Then again, he understands what a person goes through in doing so. He and I have just disagreed many times on if they were waiting on me to say something or they didn’t want to have things confirmed.

Oddly enough, I suppose, Arwen had very little to say to Dirk when he told her and hasn’t said anything to me at all about doing so. Since it will never be something she is willing to tell her family, maybe she just can not fathom how difficult it can be. And at the same time, I resent in a way, her wanting me to tell my family when she has no intention of telling hers.

Chane was supportive in a it’s no big deal and will be ok sort of way. He was trying to reinforce that he feels my family will eventually be ok with things. He called to check on me last night without saying that was what he was doing. But I understand how he does some things now and know that is what was behind the phone call. And the suggestion that we try and get a few hours together Saturday. He knows I could use a hug or two.

UPDATE: I briefly posted on a forum I belong to about this and got this response from someone there that I respect. It seems to describe the odd feeling I had to a T.

Hang in there Vol! I’ve experienced the weird not-quite-letdown but not-much-of-a-relief feeling when you tell someone and their reaction is not anything like what you imagined. It’s a bizarre feeling, isn’t it? Not quite sure what they think, whether telling them helped anything… if they would just engage on the subject and have a frank exchange, there could be some semi-resolution. But that doesn’t necessarily happen, so you still have this… thing…. hanging out there. It’s a different tension than you started with, but not necessarily any better.


2 responses to “Out of the Closet to My Family

  1. blackdove says:

    I’ve experienced this several times as well. I’ve also been surprised when, later, they do come up with questions. Some people take longer to process than others, but I think they *are* processing.

    It’s been a month for you. Have there been any follow up conversations?

    • ourquad says:

      No, all but one sister lives in another state. I used their visit here as the best opportunity I was going to get for a while. The sister that lives here only asked me what possessed me to talk with mom about it. She did tell mom that, “You know you suspected. What’s the big deal in knowing for sure?”. Or something along those lines.

      The other sister I think will do a little research on polyamory. The youngest sister I haven’t told yet. I want to do so in person. Though it wouldn’t surprise me to find out that she’s been told from one of the others.

      We are planning a sister weekend in March. Holidays make it a bit difficult to make the trip before then. I may get some questions then.

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