Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Journey to Letting My Men Make Choices

on October 19, 2009

PDI0570410_VeerI love my men. Plain and simple. And I want them treated well. Plain and simple. I can’t change it for them when they aren’t treated well in their other relationships. Also, plain and simple.

What hasn’t been plain and simple for me is my journey in getting to this point. To letting them deal with things however they wish. To not letting myself act on what compels me to take up for them. This has been a hard journey for me. I want to help make sure they are treated well. The truth is, I can only make sure that I treat them well.

Loving them is a huge part of why them having the freedom to pursue other relationships is important to me. But I’ve learned I have to let them conduct those relationships in whatever way they see fit. Even if I would do it differently. Even if I see them getting hurt. Along with the freedom to love others is the freedom to be hurt by others. I need to be there for them during rough times but to not interfere.

Therein, was the problem for me…letting them vent, seeing them hurt, and not trying to fix it for them. Being there to listen and as a sounding board for them but stepping back and letting them deal with the issue as they chose. Giving advice, if asked, but being ready for them to not act upon that advice. Learning that what they really need is someone to talk things out with out loud so they can “hear it” and for that to sometimes just be enough. Letting them say it out loud. To maybe ask a few questions they hadn’t thought of so they can have more information to base the course of action that they choose to take. That they need support and not necessarily action from me. That telling them I’m sorry they are having to deal with something and that I would help if I could doesn’t mean I am going to try to help. That I know those efforts on my part (to fix things) are more of a hinderance than a help. That I love them enough to trust them to handle things for themselves. But, yet, I will always be there for them and will listen to them. That I won’t hold against their partner(s) what they chose to live with. I may not understand some behavior or why they make some of the choices they do but, I trust them to know when and where the line is for each of them.

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2 responses to “Journey to Letting My Men Make Choices

  1. IntrigueMe says:

    Great post! You are brave. I couldn’t do it- any of it. Kudos to your inner strength!

  2. […] PDRTJS_settings_461911_post_490 = { "id" : "461911", "unique_id" : "wp-post-490", "title" : "Which+Side+of+Arwen+Will+I+See", "item_id" : "_post_490", "permalink" : "http%3A%2F%2Fourquad.wordpress.com%2F2009%2F11%2F03%2Fwhich-side-of-arwen-will-i-see%2F" } I never know what side of Arwen I am going to see. What an action of mine will bring out in her. Arwen has some problems/issues that I just don’t know how to describe. Or at least I don’t know how to describe them in any way that doesn’t sound as pure out-and-out complaints. And, yes, I do have some good reasons to complain. As do all of us. I want to say that I know I am not perfect. I truly do. I know that I can be a bitch (and I can handle someone calling me that when I am acting like one). However, it is not the norm for me to upset all three of the others at the same time. Arwen does that on a regular basis. And learning how to let the guys deal with that themselves has been hard for me as I wrote about here. […]

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