Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Communication Difficulties

on October 27, 2009

SSI0002561_VeerI’m sure I’ve shared before that Chane and I struggle sometimes communicating. At other times it seems we are getting it just right. The difficult times all revolve around conflict in our relationship. And the bigger the conflict the worse we communicate.

The reason? He and I have different communication styles to a degree. Arwen and I have majorly different communication styles. Who is he most used to communication with? Arwen of course. And although we’ve been together close to 3 years (I’d say 2 and a half years committed to a relationship), he still communicates with her more. He lives with her. He sees me occasionally. Therefore, does he forget the need to try and communicate with me with my style? Or do we disagree so infrequently that he forgets?

We’ve had the explanation a few times of how I need communication and why. But he doesn’t seem to retain it.

To explain the differences…when Chane and Arwen disagree/argue, she prefers to walk off. Never to talk about it again if possible. But it doesn’t go away. It festers until the next disagreement. Avoiding the confrontation is her goal, particularly when her opinion isn’t considered correct. (Most people like to be in the “right”.) Either this suits Chane fine and he agrees with the strategy or he has no choice but to go along with it. It’s hard to have a discussion with someone who won’t participate. I feel he lies somewhere in the middle. As for me…I do not mind a cooling off period if needed and have been known to walk away myself. But, I always come back and want to get things resolved. I do not function well with things being up in the air. I get sick. Literally at times. It stresses me greatly. I imagine thoughts and feelings the one I’m arguing with could be having. I can think of reasons they hadn’t considered as to why they have done something. Things along those lines.

I’m pretty good at seeing both sides of things with others. Not as good when I’m involved but, still usually able to see it once pointed out to me at least. I don’t mind apologizing. I can admit if I’m wrong about something. What I can’t handle is my opinion being totally disregarded because it doesn’t match the person I am in a disagreement with. Ok, that is probably going to lead me down a path that is a bit off topic.

Chane and I had a disagreement over something he didn’t tell me this weekend. And there is really no way that he could have forgotten since we were discussing others involved while in bed Friday night. Then once I found out and got a upset (more upset and hurt than I allowed myself to believe at first…explanation later), I decided to wait until later to talk about it so as not to interrupt the plans we all had. But, Saturday night he came to bed and went straight to sleep. He admitted hours later when I woke him up to talk that he knew I wanted to talk. (I couldn’t sleep because resolution had not even been attempted.)

What does avoidance of talking with me on these occasions boil down to? He doesn’t want to deal with me. I ask too many questions. Lead him into a corner. Most of those words are exact ones he has said on occasion when we have the discussion on why he won’t talk with me. I wanted to tell him why I was upset and hurt so badly once I figured it out. But was more than reluctant to do so. Does he have a limit on how much he will deal with or tolerate from me? Probably not but I can’t say for sure. Do I want to force communication with someone that sees it as a chore he has to deal with? No, I do not.

I did send him a few text messages today trying to explain in the least amount of words possible. Unfortunately, it will be difficult to explain it here as I have reasons for not wanting to state the specifics.

He and Arwen could have used this opportunity to reach out to me. Due to Gator’s shift work I have to deal with things that they aren’t used to. I could use a break from that now and then. They’ve never offered. The offer was made to another. Not the problem. They could have offered this to us all at the same time. I would have liked that. And on top of that, they made the offer for a time that is usually important to Chane and I. It boils down to, they didn’t think of me at all. How far up am I on his priority list that he would make this offer to someone he had just met as opposed to thinking about someone he has been in a relationship with for this long. Even if the offer originated with Arwen, which it did, he could have thought of me and suggested including me to her.

I bump up against this at times. I do not think I am as high on his priority list as he is on mine. He knows that I love him like I love Gator. Long ago he was the first to tell me he loved me as much as he loves Arwen. I wasn’t to that point yet. But I can not tell you the last time he has made me feel that way much less said so. And I’m fully aware that expressing his feelings is difficult to him. Much more so that it is to Gator. But I’ve adapted to that. It’s the case of actions speaking louder than words. He says I am this important to  you. Yet he rarely thinks of me. He says that he wants to spend more time with me but rarely asks. True, when I ask him, he is always quick to agree. I need things settled between us yet he isn’t willing to deal with me enough to talk about things.

What are we going to do? What kind of relationship are we going to end up with? How long can it last?


4 responses to “Communication Difficulties

  1. IntrigueMe says:

    Ok I have a question- what happens if you break up with Chane and Dirk and Arwen are still together?

    Another question- perhaps this was in the beginning of your blog and I missed it (I thought I read it all), but how did the relationship between the four of you start?

    • ourquad says:

      If that were to happen, I wouldn’t have a problem with Dirk and Arwen still seeing each other.

      We met swinging.

      I won’t be breaking up with Chane over this. I was just sad towards the end of that post. I’ve talked with Dirk tonight. He reminded me, that compared to my relationship with him, the one I have with Tech is in the infant or toddler stages. And isn’t part of the reason I love Chane because he is different than him? And that Chane has made strides to be what I need.

      He’s right. I’ve been with Dirk 27 years (married for 25) and with Chane almost 3 years (serious not quite all of that).

      No matter if this quad relationship were to eventually break up, I am thankful to Dirk for making this journey with me. I just thought we had a strong relationship before (and my most standards we did). But now, it is so much more.

  2. ourquad says:

    I don’t mind answering any questions that you may have.

    I know it is hard to understand and I wonder if I would have ever understood myself if I hadn’t been in this situation. I think maybe because, once I knew he loved Arwen (and I realized it before he did), my immediate reaction was not to stop seeing them. It was that I want him to be happy. Granted, I wasn’t aware of all that would entail. And truthfully, it would have gone smoother if they had handled the NRE better…at least Dirk.

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