Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Which Side of Arwen Will I See

SSI0018428_VeerI never know what side of Arwen I am going to see. What an action of mine will bring out in her. Arwen has some problems/issues that I just don’t know how to describe. Or at least I don’t know how to describe them in any way that doesn’t sound as pure out-and-out complaints. And, yes, I do have some good reasons to complain. As do all of us. I want to say that I know I am not perfect. I truly do. I know that I can be a bitch (and I can handle someone calling me that when I am acting like one). However, it is not the norm for me to upset all three of the others at the same time. Arwen does that on a regular basis. And learning how to let the guys deal with that themselves has been hard for me as I wrote about here.

I had an obligation for this weekend so, therefore couldn’t make plans for Halloween. Arwen had stated several times that she wanted to do something. We all three got the hints and then she said exactly what she wanted to do. Go to a club in town…costumes and all. (We did something similar last year but this is a different kind of music here and a very different atmosphere from what I can gather.) Just because I couldn’t go, didn’t mean the other three couldn’t and I plainly stated this to all of them. However, doing so set Arwen off last month. She got rather ugly with me for some reason that none of us could figure out. Due to that, I didn’t mention it again to Arwen. I did mention it to Dirk and Chane but none of them made any plans. I really don’t know if they were leery of mentioning it to Arwen or not considering how she reacted to me when I did.

My obligation got canceled. So, I asked them if they would like to do something on Halloween. I knew that Arwen had wanted to go badly. I was just trying to seize an opportunity when it came along. I didn’t get to speak with either her or Chane about it initially…Dirk did that. She didn’t react well to it. She said basically that a few weeks ago when she tried to make plans no one wanted to go. Now that I want to everyone is read to. First, no one but I said they couldn’t go…and that wasn’t because I didn’t want to…it was because I had a previous commitment. Neither Chane nor Dirk said they didn’t want to go or wouldn’t go. Her accusations were unfounded. And some of the things she said really hurt my feelings.

Now, I see part of my job in the quad (since I am a planner) is for me to recognize when an opportunity comes up to do something that one of us has expressed an interest in. For example, when I found that Chane was really interested in attending a poly meet and greet, I forwarded the information I had to all three of them. We went and we all had a good time…Arwen more than anyone maybe. So, I knew that this had been important to Arwen. If her problem was that we all weren’t going, I saw the opportunity to give her what she wanted…for all four of us to go. Well, it backfired on me…as it often does with Arwen. She was in an extremely bad mood the whole day. Was ugly to us all at some point. And went out of her way to be uncooperative. In the end, Chane, Dirk, son #1 and his wife, and myself went to see a movie. Arwen chose to stay home and go to bed. Well, actually she went to bed pretty early.

I just do not know why she always has to be in conflict with someone. She likes the drama. She really doesn’t seem happy unless she has this going on. And she has the most conflict with Chane. He can never do anything right. Dirk has said as much as well. Chane is very good about not letting it get to him for the most part. I just don’t know how he does it. How either of them do it.

This behavior of thriving on conflict and making things up to achieve it if she can’t come up with a half way legitmate reason, is most of what has me keeping her at arms length. I just cannot cultivate a relationship in that environment. I refuse to live any more of a stressful life than I absolutely have to. I can get along with Arwen when she isn’t exhibiting such behavior. I can even have a really good time with her. I do love her. But, I will admit, I do not like her all the time.

I can not understand what is her rational behind her behavior most of the time.

I could go on more…give more examples…but, I know it won’t do any good. Writing this probably won’t do any good. Well, sometimes it helps just to get it out. I thought therapy would help her with this. She is not any better (even though for a few weeks she seemed to be) and in fact seems to be getting worse.

I can not seem to find a way to deal with this consistently. And it baffles me.

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