Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Warning Signs

on November 12, 2009

CBP0017415_VeerWhat do you do if you see danger or warning signs of failure in your boyfriend’s primary relationship?

First off, let me state plainly that Chane has problems communicating. I know this. I’ve shared this here.

Second, I’ll state that I do have a tendency to see Chane’s (and even Dirk’s) side of an issue better at times. Mostly due to the fat that Arwen treats me the same way she does them; just not as often. Due to my penchant for being protective of them, I try to refrain from becoming any more involved in conflicts between each of them and Arwen than is necessary. i can listen to them as they talk things out and support decisions they make. Anything else can lead to things just being worse than they originally were.

Third, my description of Arwen’s behavior is not strictly my own. Dirk and I talked quite a bit yesterday and he sees some things better than myself at times and vise versa. I am willing to look at Dirk’s opinion a bit more than Chane’s at the moment since he and Arwen are not in what appears to be an open conflict. Their relationship is not growing but it isn’t in out right struggle mode (though I can see that coming).

Arwen’s behavior is erratic (Dirk’s word) and that just goes along with this post I made.

What’s an example? OK, here’s one Dirk and I discussed yesterday. They were at our house the weekend of Halloween. (I’ve mention her reaction to us doing something in the post referenced above.) She was furious with Chane. Was ugly to Dirk on the phone Saturday morning before she went to work. However, she DID tell Dirk that they would be leaving from her store to come to our house because Chane was going to have their youngest son drop him off there. Which means she should have packed her clothes and anything else she wanted to bring at some point before leaving for work that morning (the night before or something).

I talked to Chane that day and he told me the same thing Arwen had told Dirk. They were leaving from the store she works at and his being taken there. He would be packed and ready to go.

They were so late in getting to our house that we became worried and called to check on them. Found them on their way so waited to they arrived to discover why they were so late.

Arwen walked in the house with an attitude. Said she didn’t know the plans and didn’t know she should have been ready to go before leaving for work. I called her on that. Said she had told Dirk at 6:00 am when he talked to her that those were the plans. For them to leave straight from the store. She refused to comment but I got a killer look.

Seems she had called Chane from work to see if he had packed for her. He hadn’t and didn’t know he was expected to. However, he was willing. When he asked if she wanted him to pack a costume and which one, she hung up on him. Well, Mr. Stubborn didn’t call her back and, truthfully, I can’t say I blame him and doubt that I would have either. So, he sent me a text at that point to tell me what was going on and that they wouldn’t be leaving until after she came home and packed (I didn’t get the text die to the lack of good reception at the house).

Arwen was mad at Chane. Extremely mad. First, she claimed he hadn’t told her the plans (he obviously had if she told them to Dirk). Second, for considering going somewhere that night because it was my idea. Third, for not packing for her. Fourth, for not making excuses for her and laying the blame at her feet (me calling her on the lie she told only made it worse).

So, she’s been very ugly to him and the next day acts like nothing has been wrong. Dirk feels that’s because Chane and I had been able to spend time together. Like I’ve said, we went to church together and hung out together until she got off work. Am I not supposed to spend time with him? Is it not supposed to be peaceful?

That night, after leaving our house, she was at him again. She told both Dirk and I about it. What gives?

I know this is long but, for a bit more background…Arwen got mad at Chane for making her lunch. She says he doesn’t listen to her. And, in her defense, that can be true. Both Chane and Dirk can tune stuff out. She told Chane on the way home from work that she would be eating lunch out the next day. One of the ladies at work was celebrating a birthday and they were all going out. He even made a comment something along the lines of that’s nice. Fast forward to the next morning. They are getting ready for work. He is making lunch—for himself and Arwen. He even asks her something about hers. Does she remind him she doesn’t need one? No, she just lets him continue to make it while she stews. She takes it to work with her. Tries to call Dirk and doesn’t get him. So, she calls me to complain. While I can agree with her that Chane doesn’t always listen well, I can’t agree with the way she is going on about this. (Not good because it makes her more angry in the long run.) To me, and it seems later Dirk told her basically the same thing, this wasn’t a case of not listening. This was a case of a non-morning person just going through his normal routine. A habit. She refused to see that when either of us mentioned that possibility. Only started getting more and more agitated. Voice was rising while she talked with me. And she was ugly and mean in what she said to Chane that night about it. What is up with that? This totally blew mine and Dirk’s mind. Well, in a way. Her behavior has been like this lately.

She seems to not be happy unless she has conflict or drama in her life these days. She seems to like doing the opposite of what someone else wants.

Example; they were shopping for a TV to replace the one lightening got. If Chane wanted a 42″ screen, she wanted a 40″. If he decided he liked a 36″, she wanted the 42″ screen. Shit like that all the time.

Dirk has come to the conclusion, due in part to some things I’m not privy to, that she has something she is hiding from everyone, including Chane. It’s possible it’s from her past. But he thinks it all about hiding that and guilt she feels. He things that is one of the reasons her behavior is so erratic.

But, my dilemma is…what to do, or not do, about some of the warning signs of their relationship? How can I help/support Chane in communicating with Arwen? Is there anything I can do? Should do? Just sit back and watch the train wreck?

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