Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Internal Conflict

on November 16, 2009

I’m having some internal conflict on a few issues right now.

First, I am having some issues with Chane. He found a reason to turn me down twice this weekend when I made a suggestion to see him.  What gives? Then he found out his grandmother had been admitted to to the hospital for a heart attack and was on life support. He didn’t contact me in any way to tell me. What gives with that? He would have been one of the first people I called. Am I back to the point that I need to back off a bit for my sake? He used to tell me that he loves me as much as he does Arwen. I can’t tell you the last time he has talked to me about his feelings. He tells me he loves me and he tells me he misses me. Acts like I am very important to him. And as I write this, I’m starting to wonder if Arwen has been complaining about that. She does sometimes. He rarely lets me know this happens and never tells me when it is going on.

I just got off the phone with Chane. He called me. Seems he was sick this weekend. And he is acting just fine towards me. I sometimes forget that he is moody. I am and I should really recognize that when it is happening with him. It’s just that he normally lets things slide right on off his back.

The second reason I’m conflicted could have been part of the reason I was questioning how he feels.

I had dinner with my sister that lives in the town I do last night. I finally got some questions about being poly. I didn’t mind those at all. I have come to regret a bit telling them. Particularly my mother. I didn’t explain things well due to the way I had to do it. My mom is having the hardest time. Sister told me that she and the others feel that I am only in such a relationship so that I will not lose Dirk. Not so.  I’m not sure about the others but the sister I saw last night is firmly convinced Dirk and I will end up getting divorced. I can not get her to understand that things are actually very good with he and I right now. She says he is cheating me out of the love I should be getting. I told her I don’t get less love. Why is it so hard for people to understand that you aren’t allotted a certain amount of love to divvy out? Then she thinks I’m/we’re being cheated of time together. Well, the truth is I do get less time with Dirk than I did. It’s just that we think the benefits make up for that. They also think I have compromised my faith. That I am trying to justify what I am doing.

The truth is, my family is not really acting different than most people would. They are responding to this in the worst case scenario I could come up with. Chane admitted today that his over optimistic attitude wasn’t a help to me. He really did not think that they would react this way. And this is the exact reason I debated so much on telling them.

I understand that they have a hard time wrapping their head around this whole concept. I’m just very upset that they do not have any more faith in me. That they think  I would let something interfere in my marriage of 25 years. That my commitment to Dirk wouldn’t be my top priority. It would break my heart to have to live without Chane but I think it would almost kill me to have to live without Dirk. He and I have been through so much. Basically came into adulthood together. I started dating him a few months before my 18th birthday and right after he turned 18. We married at 20 and had both or boys (as well as a miscarriage) by the time we were 27. Our children are mostly out of the house by now. Dirk and I have looked forward to this time we would have together for many years now.

I really hate that they are so sure we are headed towards divorce. That’s the worst thing for me. And what I find depressing.

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