Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

The Traffic Light of Polyamory

on November 20, 2009

We all have some kind of boundary or limitation in what we can offer in a polyamorous relationship. Some are like a yellow light, go slow here until we figure it out. Some are like a read light, do not go there at all. And then we have things that are a full green light…this is full speed ahead.

There’s this blog I read and she got me thinking with this post.

I guess I can relate to both her and Myke.

I, too, have a primary and secondary relationship. Though I truly do not like those labels, there are a few things that make them apply. Bottom line is, I will not leave Dirk, could not choose anyone over him, instead of him. Period. Now, I find I’m lucky enough to have someone in addition to him. So, because of the unwavering permanence of my relationship with Dirk, he is my primary. Others may say it is because he was there first. There is more to it than that. I have been through many more years with this man, gone through some hell fire with him, in regards to our relationship and peripheral family. Our lives are so intricately intertwined that there are times I have trouble remembering a time in my life he hasn’t been a part of it. I still have every intention of living out my life with him. That promise we made each other so many years ago is not up for negotiation. He is who I have always turned to, my best friend. I will continue to work hard to ensure all this stays the same.

Now, enter Chane. I was so slow to let this man into my heart. I guarded it against anyone other than Dirk. I don’t let others in very easily. And I refused to fall into a relationship with Chane because Dirk was in one with Arwen. But, worm his way in he did. But, was he prepared for what he would get? I don’t love halfway. If I love you, I give it my all. But, I couldn’t predict how deeply I would come to love Chane. In so many ways, I can not differentiate between my love for him and my love for my husband. And I’ll say once more how fortunate I am to have a husband that is ok with this. He is aware, as is Chane, because I have told them, that I have as much love for Chane as I do Dirk. Mine for Dirk is more aged and mature in experience. Just because my love for Chane is young, does not mean it is less.

In an ideal world, I would simply have two husbands. With all that entails. Living together, day-to-day life with all the struggles, stress and  financial commitments. That isn’t possible.

I am not Chane’s primary relationship. Arwen is. Although he and Arwen have been together a little over half the time Dirk and I have, all the same things apply to his relationship that apply to mine with Dirk. It’s more mature and fire baked. And that’s as it should be. I know this. And I am ok with this.

However, Chane and I could have a bit more to our relationship. A key component to that would be to live closer together so that we could see each other every day for at least a small fraction of time. And, while I am well aware of how comfortable Dirk is with the depth of my relationship with Chane, I just can’t see that same amount of comfort within Arwen. An example, if something were to happen and Chane and I split up, I would be more than fine with Dirk continuing to see Arwen. However, if something were to happen between Dirk and Arwen and they split up (which was a possibility at one point) she has stated that she would NOT be ok with Chane and I continuing to see each other. She did admit it was because she wouldn’t have any one and would be jealous.

So, just like Myke, I would like more from Chane. And just like Blackdove, I know if the situation were reversed, it’s very likely I couldn’t give more to Chane. I understand why he is limited in some ways to how much he can give.

We are both lucky to have each other and I know that he loves me. And the man is getting better about expressing those feelings to me. He lets me know that he misses me. I haven’t always been aware of that since he doesn’t show things as openly as Dirk does.


2 responses to “The Traffic Light of Polyamory

  1. blackdove says:

    Wow, I didn’t realize how closely related our situations were! I know exactly how you feel.

    One thing that is quite different is that you are dating your husband’s girlfriend’s boyfriend????? OMG, how complicated. 🙂 But the scarier thing is. .. if they break up you would have to break up? I sincerely hope that doesn’t happen before the relationship plays itself out on its own.

    Good luck in your situation. I hope to be looking back on mine with a smile in my heart because things worked out 🙂

  2. ourquad says:

    Yes, I date my husband’s girlfriend’s husband. And, yes, it can get complicated. I’ve heard that quads are not really heard of a lot due to the fact that it is a hard configuration to deal with.

    I know that Chane loves me and I know that he would do his best to see me if Dirk and Arwen were to break up. I was dwelling on the possibility of that happening for a while and for sanity’s sake I can’t do that any longer. I have to concentrate on the positive. Why make what time I have with Chane less than what it could be by worrying about a bridge we haven’t gotten to yet.

    Dirk is aware that I do not want him to stay in any relationship, ever, that he isn’t happy in just so that I can have a relationship with someone. That would just affect his relationship with me in a bad way. No matter what, he needs to do what is right for him.

    You know, I’ve also told myself that,no matter what happens in the future, I have been lucky to experience the love of two good men at once. I’ve grown through all of this and I’m happy with where it has taken me individually.

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