Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Enlightenment From My Hubby

on November 27, 2009

As I’ve been posting about, Dirk and Chane are having relationship issues with Arwen.

I had a date with Chane Wednesday night but would have stayed home if I had realized how big the emotional turmoil Dirk was dealing with actually was. (Even though he was at work almost the whole time I was gone.) He rarely texts me or calls me while I’m on a date any more. He did both and more than one time of each. He was really in pain. And he said he was jealous…what he actually felt was envy. He wants to have with Arwen something that more closely resembles what I have with Chane.

He was also trying to communicate with Arwen during this time…and this caused Arwen to call Chane for a long talk. The sad truth is, there are times that Arwen has to be shocked into seeing where a situation is heading. She refuses to listen to normal conversations. She doesn’t really have conversations with any of us. She talks “at” us.

So, once I was home from my date and Dirk was home from work (he got off at midnight), he and I spent several hours talking. About how he was feeling, what he would like to have with Arwen, all manner of things. It came up in conversation the depth of our feelings for them. Dirk knows, and I’ve stated on more than one occasion in this blog, that I love Chane. As much as I love Dirk I’ve always said…just that Dirk and I have a deeper bond. I’ve never truly felt I explained that well. And I know that Dirk has never really understood the whole concept totally.

But, my dear husband, the very one that most always has difficulties expressing himself well, sent some possible enlightenment my way. And I’ll state it as well as I can here. Although he and I have talked about it a couple of more times since he first brought this up, I can not be sure I have the “whole” of his thought processes behind this concrete in my head.

He explained again that he can’t understand how I could love Chane as much as I do him. I tried once more to get my thoughts about the bond we have being greater due to our years and experiences together across to him again. He explained that’s the very reason he can’t love Arwen as much as me. However, he has opened himself and his heart to her just as much as he has me. And therefore, opened himself up to the possibility of as much love and pain from her. Due to our experience in our relationship together, it is most likely that he can avoid some of the pitfalls we faced in his relationship with Arwen. And yes, because of our maturity and relationship experiences as a whole, it is possible for him to love her more after 5 years than he did me after 5 years.

I am so not explaining this well. I wish I could get him to post on this. Because as he was telling me all this, I was seeing it. How his concept was even more accurate than mine in regards to how much I love Chane. Because, it still boils down to the fact that I would be heartbroken to lose Chane but losing Dirk would devastate me. Is that because I love Dirk more or because he and I have survived more? I’ve always assumed it was because he and I have been through more together. But it does seem possible that because of all we’ve been through I would love him more. See?

But, I guess it doesn’t really matter how you look at it. I love them both so much. I don’t like to be in a position that I can’t meet the needs they both have for me. I try very hard not to get in such a position. I still consider it as having two husbands. Just I have a young relationship with one and a mature one with the other.

What is important for me in this? That I have finally gotten a grasp on how Dirk views things. That I know he does not stay with Arwen just for my sake. That he seeks more with her. I hate that he hurts and I always will. But, I know now how open he is to her and that means some pain is inevitable.

I know this man is still my best friend. He is still the person I turn to first. I know I am more comfortable turning to Chane for things now as well. I know that Dirk and I are closer than we have ever been. Sure, we’ve changed a lot. But, once again, we’ve made a journey together. I know that he and I trust each other to not let ourselves be mistreated. That just because I, or he, wouldn’t be willing to deal with something our gf/bf dishes out doesn’t mean it is wrong for us to believe those cons are outweighed by the pros for us. I know I trust he is always going to be there for me.

I’m so very happy to realize that, although we view it a bit differently, that we basically have the same outlook on how we feel about our loves. I’m happy that we can live with how we each do view things and be ok with them. I’m more than happy that Dirk and I can talk so freely about these things.

Oh and, considering the texts and phone calls Chane and I received while on our date, we still managed to have a really nice time. We were just thankful to get some time together. And that’s exactly what Dirk would like with Arwen. Time and an effort put forth on her behalf.

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5 responses to “Enlightenment From My Hubby

  1. blackdove says:

    Arwen sounds a lot like me, actually. What were the issues they were having? If that’s not too nosy. . . do people in your real life read your blog?

  2. ourquad says:

    Arwen wont talk to them, doesnt make an effort to spend time with them and just generally will not make the effort needed to keep a relationship at staus quo much less for it to grow.

    Both Dirk and Chane will ask her to do things and she’ll turn them down outright or have the attitude she really could care less. Both can be discouraging.

    She constantly puts Chane down (and that isnt just me being protective when i say that). Then with Chane she’ll complain out of the blue that he doesnt want to do anything with her, doesn’t want her sexually and things like that.

    With Dirk she only wants to complain about the people she works with (well, she does that with all of us) and about Chane. She never just talks with him. And, though I dont ask about the sex life of her and either of my men, they do get frustrated enough every now and then to just say something. Dirk and Arwen have sex when she wants to and she doesnt make an effort to make sure he enjoys it.

    I feel it boils down to her attitude and that they should do for her and not her for them. She hurts their feelings.

    I am really not sure how often people in my real life read my blog. Arwen, Chane and Dirk all know I do this but I really don’t think they look often. We have friends that know and may read. I have not shared it with any family.

    I have trouble deciding how open to be here.

  3. blackdove says:

    Sounds like she doesn’t really want to be in this relationship. . .

    How did you all end up together? I know that’s probably a broad question, but I’m just wondering if she’s in this just because she ended up here, or because she wants to be, or maybe if her feelings about it have changed and she doesn’t want to be open anymore. . .

    Or in a relationship at all, for that matter.

    • ourquad says:

      We met while swinging.

      She and Dirk fell hard for each other fast and jumped into the deep end of things.

      The thing is…she does seem to love both of them. I just feel she is selfish and Chane will tell you she has changed lately. I think therapy would help her so much.

      She wants to be in both relationships I think. But I don’t know if she finds having two more difficult that she can handle. If it is, Arwen will never admit that.

      I just do not know how to make things better for anyone. I’ve tried but only make them worse. I just try to be there for them.

      No, you do not sound like Arwen at all.

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