Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Is It Worth It?

on November 29, 2009

From this

To this

Considering the heartaches we’ve been through, both the major ones (and I personally have had some very major hurts through all of this) and the minor ones, do I think it has all been worth it?


Do not get me wrong. I would have avoided so much of this. I don’t even think I would have ever sought our a polyamorous relationship at all even if I had realized such a thing existed. I was living a very happy monogamous life with Dirk. Then we moved to a very happy non-monogamous life through swinging. It was working for us well. Very well.

Where it changed for us was when Dirk met Arwen….someone so totally different from me that his circuits were fried. Because, as much as he loves me, there are aspects to my personality that would mesh better with his if they were different. That and we discovered Dirk had more trouble separating sex and love than I did. Though, I now think he would be more capable of that. And maybe the last big thing to leave him open to falling for Arwen was that he is just more open with his emotions than I am.

Dirk has changed as much or more than I have through this 3 year process. I am proud of the progress he and I have made and that is probably the number one reason I feel it has all been worth it. We have grown do much. Individually and together. Growth like we’ve been through is always worth the process it takes to accomplish that growth. No matter what happens, we will always be better for the experience in that respect.

It’s worth it for the love we have in our lives that we didn’t have before. Both from those we’ve added to our life and from the way our love has grown deeper. We realize that we’ve always been lucky to have so much love in our lives as it was, just the two of us, but when we know our love for each other is big enough to let our love for others into our lives then we are luckier than so many people in this world.

It’s worth it because we have our boyfriend and girlfriend. Though our relationships with them are still in the young stages we are lucky. And the fact that they are young is also nice. We get to experience the maturity of our long established relationship and the aspect of going through the nuances of a new relationship. And Dirk and I are there to support each other through the hard times with our respective loves. Imagining that concept is awesome. So awesome.

It’s worth it because I like the more open minded person I have become. I like that I have started thinking for myself instead of letting others tell me what I should think. I like the even better communication that Dirk and I have between us.

I like developing the communication between Chane and I. I like that I see growth in our relationship. I like that I have two people I can depend on. It is rewarding to see someone willing to put in the effort it takes to make a new relationship work with me. And Chane is really showing me that he wants things to work with me these days. I think we’ve both gotten to a place where both he and I have acknowledged what our relationship can be and are striving to make it the best it can be. I think we’ve both struggles at points with wanting it to be more than he could or we’ve each had a different idea in mind. I think we are on a much closer page regarding this than every before.

I like seeing when things go well between Dirk and Arwen. I know how much he has to offer someone and I am to a point in things (have been there for a while) that I truly love to see him happy with her. Or just happy with whomever he chooses to be with. I like it that he gets some of his needs met that my personality doesn’t always recognize.

Are lives have been greatly enriched by this journey. And if it were to end tomorrow, we would still feel that way. We’d go through pain if that were to happen but, we would not regret taking the journey. Not now. If the journey had ended before we got to this point, well, yes, we may have regretted the risks and pain involved. Not now. We’ve just gained too much at this point for regrets.

Will we, all of us, ever let others in our poly life? Well, who knows? I for one find I have a very low threshold for saying never. For ruling out what I think at this moment may never happen. That’s a lesson I’ve learned. And why should we rule anything out? We learned about negotiation through this. That, just because something was ok at one point in our lives, it doesn’t mean it will always be so. That we can rethink and re-negotiate our currents agreements at any time. And that is just one more thing that makes it all worth it.

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