Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Hinges and Arms

on January 12, 2010

A thread on a poly forum I belong to made me stop and think. (Scary that.)

I’ve posted about difficult times I’ve had with Chane and how I don’t understand some of what has been going on. I think I do now.

We’ve always identified as a quad. I have problems with that lately and do not feel that is strictly true any more. We are more a set of v relationships. Take myself for example; I am a hinge for the relationship that involves Dirk, Chane and myself. But I’m an arm in two other relationships…the one between Arwen, Chane and myself and the one between myself, Dirk and Arwen.

These changes in our big quad relationship have caused changes in our smaller relationships. I think it has emphasized primary relationships in a way. Whereas Chane used to think of both Arwen and myself as wives, he now sees me as a girlfriend. And therein lies the limitations we’ve acquired in our relationship and the adjustments I had to make. And now that I’ve basically realized what has  been going on, and adjusted, things are going rather well for us.

I do not get involved really in the relationships Dirk or Chane have with Arwen. Sure, she still affects some aspects of my relationships with them just by her behavior. However, I am getting better and better at either letting it go or venting and letting it go. And letting the guys decide what to hold her accountable on. Or what they want to address with her.

In my roles as a hinge and arms, I’ve learned how to balance each relationship as needed. For the most part I get things to work out just fine in the balance department these days.

Rearrangement, re-negotiations and such weren’t made consciously it seems. Each relationship sorta flowed that way. Mostly out of how Arwen deals with all of us. Which, technically, isn’t “fair” but how it has had to be in order to keep these relationships at all. And we are more interested in making sure we keep those relationships than having our ideal relationships. We’ve decided to this point that the adjustments are worth what we are keeping.

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