Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

How Important Is Sex?

on February 4, 2010

I’ve been reading an ongoing thread on a site I frequent that has me asking this question. How important is sex in a romantic relationship? Does the same hold true for poly relationships?

Contrary to the beliefs of the man who initiated this thread I’m referring to, I do know it is possible to love someone and not have sex with them. But isn’t that rare? In any romantic relationship, isn’t the urge for sex between the parties usually there? Whether or not it’s possible for that urge to be acted upon?

I have an online friend who is very happily married. Yet, he loves two other women. Unfortunately, circumstances are that he has to love them from afar so to speak. Would he like to have sex with them? Well, yes. Even without loving them, he is physically attracted to them. Loving them can only make his desire greater. However, not having a sexual relationship with them doesn’t make him love them less. So, while sex would be nice, in the friendship relationships he is able to have with these women, it isn’t a requirement for the love he has for them. I, myself, have never been in such a situation.

For my relationships? With Dirk, sex has always been a prominent issue for us in one way or another. From dealing with sexual abuse in my past and how that affected my views on sexuality to wondering if we’d ever find a time when our sex drives matched to discovering we wanted to try some alternative lifestyles.

With Chane, our relationship started with sex. As I’ve explained before, we met swinging. The feelings of friendship, and later love, that we developed didn’t lessen my interest in having sex with him. It changed how I viewed sex with him. Instead of it being just casual and fun, it became more intimate and put me in vulnerable places.

Bottom line is I like sex. And I like it a lot. I’m not opposed to casual sex, swinging or anything along those lines. And I can participate, or not, in sex of that nature. But, sex with someone I love is different. Some would say it’s not sex at that point but ‘making love’. I find that both true and false. In one time of being with someone I love, I can do all of the following; make love, have just sex and flat-out fuck. And generally that’s how it is most of the time. Which order we do them in probably depends on what mood we are in or what each of us needs at the time.

I find sex with my men to be a time of reconnection if we’ve been distant or arguing. For me, an argument doesn’t mean ‘no sex’. More often than not, it is important for me to share sex with them at that time. A way of saying it doesn’t matter if we are disagreeing or at odds with each other, we will work on finding a solution and a way past the trouble. I’m a passionate person. I love full out and I argue full out. Both are me and it’s important to me to connect regardless of which side of the “full out” equation we happen to be on. If we hit an impasse in our disagreement it doesn’t mean I don’t want to be close to them. Touching in some way physically is very important to me at that time.

Sex, as well as being fun, exciting, hot and sweaty, is also healing for me.

Now, if there ever was a reason one of my men couldn’t be sexual with me or me with them, how would it affect things? I have to say, truthfully, I feel it would depend on if they/me had control of the reason. If, say, it was a medical reason, I firmly see us dealing with the no sex issue and finding something to replace it. If it was a matter of choice, like sexual interest had been lost or, worse, they were spending so much time with other partners there wasn’t anything left for me, then that would be a different story. Either of those instances would say to me that their feelings for me had changed in some way. At which point we would have to determine if it was due to lack of work or investment in the relationship or something on a more permanent basis. The answer would determine our course of action.

While I can be physically attracted to someone I do not love, I find romantic feelings for someone to go hand-in-hand with desire for them sexually. But all this is just me. How important is sex to each of you in your relationships?

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2 responses to “How Important Is Sex?

  1. letseatcake! says:

    This is a huge topic for me.

    Due to circumstances beyond my control, the sex and intimacy I share with my partner are not what they should be. I love him, so much, despite that fact. So, yes, I can love him and not have the sex life I’d like to with him.

    Contrastly, my recent ex and I shared a relationship that was highly contingent on sex. It’s where we shine. From a poly aspect, the sex with my ex did not affect the sex with my partner, HOWEVER, now that the ex is gone. . .It makes it harder dealing with the sexual issues with my primary, because I have to face it.

    It’s an up and down battle. I still love him, and am passionately IN love with him. The biggest thing is practicing what I preach, and trying to remember that no one can be my EVERYTHING.

    More than you hoped for, I’m sure, but it’s something I think about a lot 🙂

    • ourquad says:

      I agree, it is an important topic.

      I understand what it is like to not be having sex with a primary. It’s diffcult going that route. You understand the reasons but it doesn’t make the desire to be close and intimate with that person any less. It’s a difficult situation to be in.

      And, no matter what it is we are preaching, it is sometimes hard to live up to that.

      Never more than I hope for. Feel free any time.

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