Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Ignoring Valentine’s Day

on February 9, 2010

I’m swearing off Valentine’s Day this year. And also the anniversary of my first date with Dirk 28 years ago.

The past two years have had incidents to hurt me. The year before last was actually something that almost caused the end of my marriage to Dirk.

This year I really wanted things to go well. I have two great men in my live that I love very much. However, there is conflict in our quad. Three of us are having problems getting along with the fourth one. I myself, finally stopped holding my tongue and voiced my thoughts. But the one says the other three of us are the ones with the problem.  I did point out that this one happened to be the common denominator with us all. Oh well.

Even a gift for me turned into an issue.

Now, I just want to pretend the day is not around the corner and ignore it when it gets here.

Someone said today that I have a lot of real experience in the poly lifestyle. True, we’ve been together for three years. But at least half of that has involved turmoil. Some major and some minor. Also true, that this can mostly be contributed to entering the poly world from years and years of living in the mono world. I get that thought processes and conditioning has to happen in a situation like this. And I’m thankful for all the good times I’ve had and all the love I’ve gotten and been able to give.

It’s just that, right now, I’m not sure where things are going with us. It already feels as if I’m more part of a V than a quad. I just can’t cultivate a relationship with someone I do not trust. I’m worried about individuals as well as the group as a whole. I see pain.

I see some repeat behaviors that are scary to me as well. Not just within our group.

I’m a bit down due to all that is going on within each relationship.

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