Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

To Blog or Not to Blog

on February 12, 2010

I don’t know what to do.

Do I keep this blog public or permanently put it on private. I know that the privacy mode allows for giving permission to access the blog to people I choose to. (And if I go the private route and you are a reader, email me and I will do that for you.)

My original intent when starting this blog was for all four of us to contribute,hence, the name of the blog is a reference to us all. I asked the other three and no one was interested in blogging. I feel because none of them write things out…write about their feelings. I’m used to doing so since I have kept a traditional, paper journal for years. And writing things out helps me get a handle on how I am feeling about something and working through  things.

Actually, I haven’t been able to get any of them to even read the blog though I’ve given them the address and asked for that. They didn’t do this either. And, knowing that they weren’t reading this, I may not have watched how I worded things. I don’t know.

Arwen reads this now. Not at my request. She was asking a friend, who does happen to be a reader, questions about me and the friend told her to read my blog. He even had to give her the address because she didn’t remember that. Now, what questions she was asking and why she thought this friend might know are beyond me. I clearly do not understand her or her thought processes for this (or much of anything it seems).

Regarding my hate post, Arwen seems to be taking exception to some things and feels some posts confirm that I hate her. That was never my intention. And if she has been hurt, that wasn’t my intention either. Each of us are (or at least should be) responsible for our own behavior and processing things internally. To take responsibility for the actions caused by our feelings and not blame others. Not just one of us but, all of us in our quad specifically.  It shouldn’t be a shock to Arwen if she reads this here because I’ve told her this. She doesn’t do that well. She blames others because she thinks we don’t understand her. And the reason she feels we don’t understand her is more personal than I want to share here because it is a big thing in her life. But, yes, I do understand how she feels about this as I’ve been through an amazingly similar thing myself. And truthfully, I don’t understand how this affects all things in her life. From whether we understand loss to, say, whether she’s mad because the dishes haven’t been done. For all of us, and her especially, she needs to move past this.

I’ll stop with this line of thought right now.

All this is why I’m considering not having my blog public. I share feelings here. Feelings that I do not want used against me or anyone. Feelings that are not always easy for me to write about. To a point, I make myself vulnerable on this blog. Maybe it isn’t good for me to do that publicly. Maybe it would make both Arwen and I feel better if she didn’t read what I wrote and I didn’t worry about how what I write is going to come back on me.

I’m truly torn about this. When this relationship fell in our lap, I hit the internet for research. Many things were helpful to me and I wish the others had looked at some of the sites I have mentioned to them. But, research is my thing mostly. One of the helpful things was a blog or two that I was reading. One in particular was regarding a quad. Them sharing their feelings and how things worked for them was so helpful that I thought I may could give some of that back in the form of others reading my blog. This is such a confusing life to begin with for those who have always been monogamous that any help is good.

I don’t know what to do. Curb myself and either get rid of the blog or at the least make it private or continue as I’ve been doing. I’ve wrestled with this for days. I would like for things to be so comfortable in our quad that I wouldn’t have to even consider taking it down. I don’t want to have to do that and have not done so to this point (except for a few days). But I have to ask myself if I’m just being stubborn here. How important is it for me to be able to blog about things publicly?

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