Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

We Will Get To The Talking

Chane and I haven’t had a chance to sit down and talk yet. We will get the chance/make the chance. We could have talked some by now at least on the phone but, he’s had some difficulties and decisions to make lately that have not been easy for him. And as they were definitely of a time sensitive nature, they and his dealing with the results are the priority now.

He has, however, told me that we will talk. I believe him. And I’m not likely to let it go unaddressed for a really significant amount of time.

This is, however, an aspect of polyamory that has to be addressed from time to time. When needs conflict amongst those involved in relationships, when everyone can not get what they need at the same time (like having to postpone our talk), one person or one relationship may have to “wait in line” for lack of a better term that I can’t come up with this late at night. When this happens, it’s important for those involved to be understanding.

I had an incident of this understanding this this week with Dirk. He and I went out on a date for St. Patrick’s Day. Normally, dates are for giving who you are with your full attention. (Well, in my opinion and Dirk and I generally abide by that. We started that long before meeting Chane and Arwen.) However, due to the difficulties I mentioned for Chane above, both Dirk and I were concerned about him. Therefore, I texted some with Chane while on my date with Dirk. Some at his urging. Chane is his best friend and he wanted to check on him and he knows I was a bit worried and that it may be good for Chane to hear from me.

Poly has compromise involved and you must be willing to do that to be successful.

Though my need to settle some issues with Chane is as important as anything else, it isn’t as critical as him dealing with this. They were things that had to be dealt with immediately. It’s been stressful on several levels and emotional. He strongly believes certain things and the decision made goes against some of those things.

My men both gave in some way this week. Dirk with not having my undivided attention and Chane with the compromise he made. Though it was extremely difficult, Chane did this because he loves Arwen so much. I see that and Dirk sees that.

Leave a comment »

My Accounts Have Been Hacked!!!!!

I’m so sorry! It started with one email account. Now, I think it is my whole online identity! It’s going to take me a while to get this all straightened out and open new accounts. Thank you all for your concern.

1 Comment »

Bitten In The Ass Again

My blog as bitten me in the ass again. Is it worth it?

I’m so very weary.


The Ultimatum

I just finished a long discussion with Chane via text. He said he didn’t want to do it that way but didn’t make the move to a phone call either.

Although I don’t like ultimatums really, I’ve had no choice but to extend one. I’ve shared with him over and over things that are important to me and needs I have to feel secure in a relationship. Or rather for that relationship to grow. He has promised to general improvements and when those weren’t forthcoming, we talked (I say we talked because I guess it has become obvious now that true communication wasn’t going on) and came up with some specific things he felt he could do and he didn’t think were unreasonable. Still not happening. And we’ve revisited those suggestions several times.

I love this man. So very much. And I’ve historically caved I guess or at least believed the promises. And I can’t do that any more. Because I love this man I am willing to work on our relationship. I’ve fought for my right to have a relationship with him. I’ve gone head-to-head with Dirk about his double standards. It being ok for he and Arwen to have any kind of relationship they want but not the same for Chane and I. One day it clicked for him (he says it was more like a clunk than a click in his brain).

I can not see the same effort in Chane. Either I’ve been the only one fighting for our rights or I’ve been more successful than he has. But I just don’t fucking know which because I have to drag any piece of information out of him.

Today he told me that he was willing to talk but he didn’t want to argue. That nothing he said was right. Well, if I had a dime for how often he’s said those words to me (and Arwen). With both of us he won’t even admit he may have handled a situation wrong. Admitting he is outright in the wrong is not something I’ve seen him do with anyone. It’s always our fault for some reason. And the man never apologizes.

I’m not opposed to arguing…fighting even. It can come out well if both parties aren’t closed-minded. If you are open to the possibility that, while you way may not be wrong, it isn’t necessarily the best way. Could be that neither party has the best way in mind. A compromise is often the result. Chane doesn’t even do compromise well. I’m a passionate person…I do things full-out a lot. Whether that be love someone, sex, or even (gasp) fight. However, this time around I’ve been rather calm. Which should show Chane just how serious I am.

A lot has been said last night and today. I suppose this is a summation of the situation. Chane says he is accepting of the limitations on our relationship…those that are real, those that are perceived, and those that are imposed on it. I had to tell him that’s the difference with us and the problem. He’s willing to accept the ones that can be changed and I’m not. And I’m no longer willing to wait forever for things to change.

In a situation such as this he usually sits back and waits on me. I told him that he would be wasting his time if he was doing that. That I would not be “coming to my senses” as he says and asking for a face-to-face talk with him. That if he thought we should have one and was willing to put in the work a relationship requires, he would have to figure out the where, the when and the way we could have such a conversation. Otherwise, anything we do would be a waste of time and emotions. If he wasn’t willing to do this then it looked like he and I were just not going to work out.

I told him how much I love him. He knows how much I love him and should, therefore, know how difficult for me this is. But the fact that I am risking so much should also tell him how important it is to me.

I suggested he think on things, decide what he does and does not want from this relationship, what we can and can’t have, what he is and isn’t willing to accept. When he’s done that and is ready to talk to call me. I would like him to lay it all out on the table for me. I will listen when he does. Then he needs to give me the same chance. The think things over. To decide if what he has laid out is something I can or can not accept, I can or can’t live with.

So, now I’m waiting to hear from him. I’ll give him some time but I won’t wait forever.I deserve what anyone in a relationship deserves…someone willing to give that relationship all that they can. To accept me for who I am and not try to deal with me as if I were someone else. My men are different. I have to communicate with each of them very differently. Chane cannot communicate with me as if I am Arwen just because that is what he is used to and he finds it easier. I deserve to be accepted for the individual that I am and for a relationship with me to be important enough for him to work for and but in the required effort to make it all that it can be. And I’ve decided it’s time I stood up for those rights.

Leave a comment »

Relationship Stop Signs

I’ve been chatting with Dirk tonight about relationships. It’s a great thing to be able to do that with your partner…talk with him about his relationship with someone else and mine with someone else. I don’t think someone who has never had that opportunity or that openness with a partner can truly appreciate the beauty of it.

There are limitations to both or relationships. I do not feel comfortable sharing what Dirk thinks his limitations are with Arwen. That is a personal thing for him. And, while I’m going to share some of what I feel mine are with Tech, it will be difficult in a way. Arwen could read this. But when I chose to keep blogging, I chose to keep doing it the same way because I felt totally generalizing things would defeat the purpose of my blog.

Everyone knows that I would like to spend more one-on-one time with Tech. I said that many times at our last meet and greet when we were discussing why we are in a closed quad. For me, it’s just that I don’t get enough time with Tech as it is. I do not want to give what little I have up to pursue a relationship with someone else. Even if I could spend more time with a new relationship. I love Tech. He is where I want to ensure I have as much time as possible.

The limitation is that I do have time I can spend with him. He isn’t free to spend that time with me. Arwen doesn’t like being left alone. As his primary, he isn’t likely to do something often that she isn’t comfortable with. He makes the effort when I’ve let him know I’m feeling the squeeze more than normal. I do know he likes spending time with me. It’s just easier to spend time as a quad because no one gets left alone. But I find it difficult to stay connected without quality dyad time. (I need the same with Dirk but we get that most of the time.) And I don’t want to have everything a group thing. The only thing that isn’t a group adventure any longer is sex. And while Arwen commented at the last meet and greet that I could have a threesome with Dirk and Tech if I wanted (we were asked about that as well), in reality when is that likely to happen? If she isn’t comfortable being alone while I spend time with Tech only, is she really going to be ok with being alone while I spend time with both Dirk and Tech? Especially with it being intentional?

I’ve had a reader pose the question to me if I really think Arwen is capable of an open relationship. I’ve thought about that since then and I’ve talked with Dirk about it as well. I’m not sure she is comfortable with the type of relationship we have. First, she was the first one to want to close our relationship. I feel she is most comfortable with emotional monogamy. Swinging most likely is a different story. I think she would like to know that she has at least one of the guys to herself. I fear that is the root of some of her problems with them both. That she doesn’t feel important enough to either of them for her to be the only one for them. I feel that she would be most comfortable in a closed v relationship. Where she is the hinge and the arms are only involved romantically and sexually with her. She would feel very secure in having Tech and another relationship (male or female) all to herself.

I’m not saying she doesn’t want to have this relationship. I feel she does. I just believe her personality lends itself to that one type of poly/open relationship. And I’m not faulting her for that. I truly am not. We all have things we are comfortable with and things that we are not.

I need to do some thinking and then communicating with Tech. I long for more. More in our relationship. I do my best not to think of those things and be content, if not happy, with the way things are. But, how long will I be able to do that. I’m fairly certain that there will come a time that what I get from my relationship with Tech can not outweigh the things I am missing in my relationship with him. If that weren’t the case, I would not continue to have these needs and wants and longings. Dirk understands this. That I need more. I wonder if I would have kept some blocks up to how deeply I love Tech if I had known that he and I would never be granted the same freedoms we are prepared to give.

I truly want Dirk to be happy. No matter. That’s how we ended up on this path. I want his relationship with Arwen to be more fruitful and fulfilling than it is. I wish she felt the same need to have something special with just him instead of her wanting Chane and I to be a part of a date she has with Dirk…whether the involvement we have is literal or she is calling while they are out or just telling us everything about what they do together. I feel each relationship deserves something that is just for that relationship. Arwen is always involving Chane and I in her dates with Dirk and is always involving herself in the dates Chane and I may have together. Why is that? Does she just need to have us all? Is the quad relationship more important to her than anything else? Is she just more comfortable when the group is involved? When she isn’t “left out” of something? Me, I know that Dirk would love something closer between them without things going clingy.

But, back to my problem. Is it more harmful/hurtful to stay with Chane as things are now, knowing that the future is uncertain, or to cut our losses now? I love this man. It breaks my heart to think of life without him. I love this man and it also breaks my heart to not be able to have the kind of relationship with him that I long for.

Is content enough? Should I not settle for content and hold out for happy?


Letting Go

Letting Go by Anonymous

To Let Go does not mean to stop caring. It means I can’t do it for someone else.

To Let Go is not to cut myself off. It’s the realization that I can’t control another.

To Let Go is not to enable. But to allow learning from natural consequences.

To Let Go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in your hands.

To Let Go is not to try to change or blame another. It’s to make the most of myself.

To Let Go is not to care for , but to care about.

To Let Go is not to fix, bit to be supportive.

To Let Go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To Let Go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To Let Go is not to be protective. It’s to permit another to face reality.

To Let Go is not to deny, but to accept.

To Let Go is not to nag, scold, or argue; but instead to search out my own shortcomings, and correct them.

To Let Go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

To Let Go is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To Let Go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To Let Go is to fear less, and Love more.

Leave a comment »

The Weekend Was Great!!

Oh my, we all had a great weekend! (Even if we were all sneezing, coughing and congested.)

We went to Arwen and Chane’s house Friday night and we all four spent some time together that evening. Arwen and Dirk got up early enough to take their (K&T) son to work and they started on their day in town. Before leaving, they both came into the room and kissed their respective spouses goodbye and left us in bed. (Now if that isn’t a poly moment I don’t know what is.) Chane and I got up a little later ate a bit of breakfast, I talked to the youngest son for a bit, and then we got ready and went to town ourselves.

We met up with them at an antiques shop where we all enjoyed looking around and Arwen loved it (it was her first time in one). We left there and went in search of lunch and found it at a place none of us had ever been to and loved the food. We separated then for some dyad time. Turns out both couples went to see a movie. Chane and I shopped a bit before our movie started and Dirk and Arwen did after their movie ended. Then Dirk and Chane went to pick up the son and Arwen and I went to look at some shoes she thought I would like and Dirk told her I wouldn’t.( Arwen was right and I own the shoes now…I liked them and they were on sale for a very good price….and it’s been too long since I bought a pair of shoes.) Then Arwen and I went to met the guys as another place we haven’t eaten before (well Chane has once).

Sunday, we were going to go bowling since I had gotten so late on us the night before and we couldn’t then. But, all of us were still feeling allergy/cold symptoms and we stayed around the house. Did this and that. Arwen and I worked on a photo collage she is giving her mother-in-law for Mother’s day. It turned out nice and it’s going to go over very well with the recipient. She and I spent the time in the kitchen while supper was going.

I had a great weekend with a couple of minor issues with our children that I did not let ruin it for me.

It was fun and I’d call it a happy poly moment….well a happy poly weekend. Quad time and dyad time all mixed up together. I success in my book.

Leave a comment »