Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Relationship Stop Signs

on March 12, 2010

I’ve been chatting with Dirk tonight about relationships. It’s a great thing to be able to do that with your partner…talk with him about his relationship with someone else and mine with someone else. I don’t think someone who has never had that opportunity or that openness with a partner can truly appreciate the beauty of it.

There are limitations to both or relationships. I do not feel comfortable sharing what Dirk thinks his limitations are with Arwen. That is a personal thing for him. And, while I’m going to share some of what I feel mine are with Tech, it will be difficult in a way. Arwen could read this. But when I chose to keep blogging, I chose to keep doing it the same way because I felt totally generalizing things would defeat the purpose of my blog.

Everyone knows that I would like to spend more one-on-one time with Tech. I said that many times at our last meet and greet when we were discussing why we are in a closed quad. For me, it’s just that I don’t get enough time with Tech as it is. I do not want to give what little I have up to pursue a relationship with someone else. Even if I could spend more time with a new relationship. I love Tech. He is where I want to ensure I have as much time as possible.

The limitation is that I do have time I can spend with him. He isn’t free to spend that time with me. Arwen doesn’t like being left alone. As his primary, he isn’t likely to do something often that she isn’t comfortable with. He makes the effort when I’ve let him know I’m feeling the squeeze more than normal. I do know he likes spending time with me. It’s just easier to spend time as a quad because no one gets left alone. But I find it difficult to stay connected without quality dyad time. (I need the same with Dirk but we get that most of the time.) And I don’t want to have everything a group thing. The only thing that isn’t a group adventure any longer is sex. And while Arwen commented at the last meet and greet that I could have a threesome with Dirk and Tech if I wanted (we were asked about that as well), in reality when is that likely to happen? If she isn’t comfortable being alone while I spend time with Tech only, is she really going to be ok with being alone while I spend time with both Dirk and Tech? Especially with it being intentional?

I’ve had a reader pose the question to me if I really think Arwen is capable of an open relationship. I’ve thought about that since then and I’ve talked with Dirk about it as well. I’m not sure she is comfortable with the type of relationship we have. First, she was the first one to want to close our relationship. I feel she is most comfortable with emotional monogamy. Swinging most likely is a different story. I think she would like to know that she has at least one of the guys to herself. I fear that is the root of some of her problems with them both. That she doesn’t feel important enough to either of them for her to be the only one for them. I feel that she would be most comfortable in a closed v relationship. Where she is the hinge and the arms are only involved romantically and sexually with her. She would feel very secure in having Tech and another relationship (male or female) all to herself.

I’m not saying she doesn’t want to have this relationship. I feel she does. I just believe her personality lends itself to that one type of poly/open relationship. And I’m not faulting her for that. I truly am not. We all have things we are comfortable with and things that we are not.

I need to do some thinking and then communicating with Tech. I long for more. More in our relationship. I do my best not to think of those things and be content, if not happy, with the way things are. But, how long will I be able to do that. I’m fairly certain that there will come a time that what I get from my relationship with Tech can not outweigh the things I am missing in my relationship with him. If that weren’t the case, I would not continue to have these needs and wants and longings. Dirk understands this. That I need more. I wonder if I would have kept some blocks up to how deeply I love Tech if I had known that he and I would never be granted the same freedoms we are prepared to give.

I truly want Dirk to be happy. No matter. That’s how we ended up on this path. I want his relationship with Arwen to be more fruitful and fulfilling than it is. I wish she felt the same need to have something special with just him instead of her wanting Chane and I to be a part of a date she has with Dirk…whether the involvement we have is literal or she is calling while they are out or just telling us everything about what they do together. I feel each relationship deserves something that is just for that relationship. Arwen is always involving Chane and I in her dates with Dirk and is always involving herself in the dates Chane and I may have together. Why is that? Does she just need to have us all? Is the quad relationship more important to her than anything else? Is she just more comfortable when the group is involved? When she isn’t “left out” of something? Me, I know that Dirk would love something closer between them without things going clingy.

But, back to my problem. Is it more harmful/hurtful to stay with Chane as things are now, knowing that the future is uncertain, or to cut our losses now? I love this man. It breaks my heart to think of life without him. I love this man and it also breaks my heart to not be able to have the kind of relationship with him that I long for.

Is content enough? Should I not settle for content and hold out for happy?


2 responses to “Relationship Stop Signs

  1. letseatcake! says:

    Man this is tough.

    So I personally think Arwen has way too many control issues, and until both or one of your men stand up to her, it will remain this way.

    And if they stand up to her, it may break things apart.

    In my relationship, as I’ve said before, I’m more of the “arwen,” and my partner’s girlfriend is more like you. Granted, I don’t force my way into their dates, I don’t even expect to hear from Luke while he’s out with her (just as I’d like to be left alone on my dates, thank you very much :)). But I am very afraid of the love they share, and usually TRY to make things happen according to MY plan.

    Sometimes this works, and sometimes Luke stands up to me. It’s all in what HE can live with. When he stands up to me, I’m pissed, I fight, I yell, etc., but in the end I’m GRATEFUL that I don’t have a pussy for a partner, if that makes sense. And in the end, I respect him more for it.

    The difference is, my partner and his girlfriend see each other practically every day, so she does get what she needs from him. I assure you, if she didn’t get enough to be satisfied, their relationship wouldn’t work out.

    My point is, as the secondary, you are at the mercy of whatever Arwen decides, but you have no real leverage – except the men. If THEY are unhappy too, they should stand up to her, and demand rights for the three of you.

    That woman’s got a lot of power.

    • ourquad says:

      “And if they stand up to her, it may break things apart. ”

      Which is exactly why they haven’t done so any more than absolutely necessary.

      I see why you consider yourself more like Arwen. However, you see that and, though it scares you, I get the impression that you recognize this and try to not let it get out of control.

      Yes, she has a lot of power. Pretends she doesn’t. Most of the time I like Arwen. She isn’t mean spirited but has issues. And the truth is, she is Chane’s primary. I do get that. And I get her personality traits and that she hates being alone.

      My personality traits mean I need more time than I am getting. And frankly, I’m afraid it is getting to be a deal breaker for me. I’ve waited for things to change long enough I feel.

      We’ll see how things go when things settle down and Chane and I get the chance to talk. Most likely this next weekend.

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