Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

The Ultimatum

on March 13, 2010

I just finished a long discussion with Chane via text. He said he didn’t want to do it that way but didn’t make the move to a phone call either.

Although I don’t like ultimatums really, I’ve had no choice but to extend one. I’ve shared with him over and over things that are important to me and needs I have to feel secure in a relationship. Or rather for that relationship to grow. He has promised to general improvements and when those weren’t forthcoming, we talked (I say we talked because I guess it has become obvious now that true communication wasn’t going on) and came up with some specific things he felt he could do and he didn’t think were unreasonable. Still not happening. And we’ve revisited those suggestions several times.

I love this man. So very much. And I’ve historically caved I guess or at least believed the promises. And I can’t do that any more. Because I love this man I am willing to work on our relationship. I’ve fought for my right to have a relationship with him. I’ve gone head-to-head with Dirk about his double standards. It being ok for he and Arwen to have any kind of relationship they want but not the same for Chane and I. One day it clicked for him (he says it was more like a clunk than a click in his brain).

I can not see the same effort in Chane. Either I’ve been the only one fighting for our rights or I’ve been more successful than he has. But I just don’t fucking know which because I have to drag any piece of information out of him.

Today he told me that he was willing to talk but he didn’t want to argue. That nothing he said was right. Well, if I had a dime for how often he’s said those words to me (and Arwen). With both of us he won’t even admit he may have handled a situation wrong. Admitting he is outright in the wrong is not something I’ve seen him do with anyone. It’s always our fault for some reason. And the man never apologizes.

I’m not opposed to arguing…fighting even. It can come out well if both parties aren’t closed-minded. If you are open to the possibility that, while you way may not be wrong, it isn’t necessarily the best way. Could be that neither party has the best way in mind. A compromise is often the result. Chane doesn’t even do compromise well. I’m a passionate person…I do things full-out a lot. Whether that be love someone, sex, or even (gasp) fight. However, this time around I’ve been rather calm. Which should show Chane just how serious I am.

A lot has been said last night and today. I suppose this is a summation of the situation. Chane says he is accepting of the limitations on our relationship…those that are real, those that are perceived, and those that are imposed on it. I had to tell him that’s the difference with us and the problem. He’s willing to accept the ones that can be changed and I’m not. And I’m no longer willing to wait forever for things to change.

In a situation such as this he usually sits back and waits on me. I told him that he would be wasting his time if he was doing that. That I would not be “coming to my senses” as he says and asking for a face-to-face talk with him. That if he thought we should have one and was willing to put in the work a relationship requires, he would have to figure out the where, the when and the way we could have such a conversation. Otherwise, anything we do would be a waste of time and emotions. If he wasn’t willing to do this then it looked like he and I were just not going to work out.

I told him how much I love him. He knows how much I love him and should, therefore, know how difficult for me this is. But the fact that I am risking so much should also tell him how important it is to me.

I suggested he think on things, decide what he does and does not want from this relationship, what we can and can’t have, what he is and isn’t willing to accept. When he’s done that and is ready to talk to call me. I would like him to lay it all out on the table for me. I will listen when he does. Then he needs to give me the same chance. The think things over. To decide if what he has laid out is something I can or can not accept, I can or can’t live with.

So, now I’m waiting to hear from him. I’ll give him some time but I won’t wait forever.I deserve what anyone in a relationship deserves…someone willing to give that relationship all that they can. To accept me for who I am and not try to deal with me as if I were someone else. My men are different. I have to communicate with each of them very differently. Chane cannot communicate with me as if I am Arwen just because that is what he is used to and he finds it easier. I deserve to be accepted for the individual that I am and for a relationship with me to be important enough for him to work for and but in the required effort to make it all that it can be. And I’ve decided it’s time I stood up for those rights.


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