Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Our Talk Didn’t Happen

on April 3, 2010

The talk Chane and I need to have didn’t happen last weekend (the one a month we see each other). I had major problems with my blood pressure and that interfered. I could tell he had something to say when we went to bed. I even asked him about it. He wouldn’t talk to me. Not because he wasn’t ready or anything like that because it seems he was. It was due to my blood pressure. He was worried it would go up even higher if we had such a conversation. And that probably was true…at the least it was a very strong possibility. And it was already high enough that I did not need to risk that at all.

I just don’t know now when we will be able to do that again. And I really don’t know if he’ll be so ready to do so again.

We still need to talk but the longer it takes us to get to the talk the more likely it is to not happen at all. And we need to have this talk badly. Some of it has been stewing for a long time. And getting Chane to talk is difficult at best. It’s upsetting to me that we didn’t get to talk when he appeared to be ready to do so. And that it was my fault in a way.

I love this man. I know that he loves me. I don’t want to lose him. And I know that in order to stay in his life I may need to make some adjustments to how I feel. I may have to be willing to change what I feel this relationship is in my head. To expect less. I just am not sure that I can do this. That I can adjust. It may be easier and better in the long run if I cut my losses if needed instead of trying to settle for less in a relationship with him. If it can’t be what I need, it would have been better for me to know from the beginning. That way I would have proceeded accordingly. If I have to settle for less from him, I’m going to feel…mislead at the least. He has said certain things to me. Things that made me work to have a relationship like he said he wanted. Things that have encouraged me to invest more than I may have in this.

And then there is the other option. What if he meant it all? What if he wants exactly what he told me he did? How are we going to get there? In what way can we make things a more productive environment to achieve our goals? Will we get the cooperation that will be needed for that? Will the things others have said be lived up to?

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