Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Is Dirk Reverting Back to the Way He Was or Hasn’t He Even Changed?

on April 6, 2010

I’m a bit upset tonight. It started last night and I’ve not posted until I felt I could do so more calmly.

Dirk is feeling that I love Chane more than I do him again. He feels that I don’t tell him the truth about this. That I am not even truthful to myself about this. Why are we going through this again? Why has he let this build? I think it is related to sex. That I try to make sure I’m with Chane when I get the chance. No matter if I’m feeling top-notch or  not. Well, yes, I do. I would expect him to do the same with Arwen. We get three nights a month with them. All on the same weekend of the month.

I’m going to need to talk with him about what is bothering him again. I hope he is more calm when we do.Some of the things he said were the very same things he said when he was having his worst issues about my relationship with Chane. Has he just been telling me, and himself, that he is ok with things? Is all this still a problem for him? I don’t know if I can go back and deal with these things again. To be honest, I believe I will resent it. I’ve resented, or at the least found them hugely ironic, the things he’s had issues with. We wouldn’t be in this situation if not for him. I’ve strode with all I have to not put him through what I went through.

He asked this of me. He wanted it when he felt he had a deeper feelings for Arwen. Changing my mindset about accepting poly has lead to me fully embracing the lifestyle. So, I have things I want and need out of my relationship with Chane. Just because he may not, or doesn’t, have the same wants and needs he did with Arwen for a couple of years, does not mean I don’t want those with Chane. I often wonder why he’s always had double standards.

I’m confused and hurting a bit. He’s been telling me and telling me how ok he is with everything. Even that I would like to spend one overnight with Chane a week. Last night he wasn’t ok with that. He tells me, as he used to, that it is all about the sex with me. Totally untrue and totally the pot calling the kettle black.

I’m a little lost right now. I had come to take Dirk for his word because he used to get so upset with me when I questioned if he meant what he said. I don’t know if I can do that right now.

I know it is ok to have insecurities crop up. I know he hasn’t been willing to talk with me lately the way he had started to. I’ve even commented on that to him and asked him why.

I never understand why something is ok for him to do if he wants to and not ok for me to do. I’m afraid to go on my date with Chane Friday night. I have to take my grandson on the date but still I’m unsure if I should go or not.

I’ve been talking about the issues I feel Arwen has been having and telling Chane that I believe Dirk when he tells me things are ok.

Dirk has also said I’m happier with Chane. That I laugh more around him than I do Dirk. I live with Dirk. We have some very stressful things to me going on in our life right now. Things that Dirk has contributed to and not put to right as he should have. Ive explained for months and months how I feel about these things. I really think them going unresolved has lead to the blood pressure problems. And Dirk has to know that his unwillingness to address and fix these issues has to make me feel he doesn’t care. He knows how they are stressing me and he refuses to do anything about them.  These are big things.

And there are small things as well. Example…there are some things around the house that I’ve asked him to fix. You know a honey do list. He procrastinates and procrastinates until the problem is worse than it originally was and harder to fix. Yet all Arwen has to do is ask once and he makes sure he fixes the things around her house that she asks for. I usually just let this go. But really, when he can’t do the big things that are causing me stress nor the small things that he does for Arwen and needs to do at his own home, what am I supposed to think? And wouldn’t those things affect my relationship with him in some way? He knows me. I back off when I feel someone doesn’t care about what I want and need. I distance myself. It’s how I deal with the feeling that someone doesn’t want me around or that I am not important to them.

Oh well, enough of this on here. I think this is going to have to be something I write about in my traditional journal. I need to get things out that are too private for me to feel comfortable sharing it all here.

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