Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

He Confuses Me

on April 10, 2010

Dirk just confuses me sometimes and leaves me wondering about things. (To be honest, both my men do but this is about Dirk.)

He seems to be fine with things again. I asked him what had changed and he told me that I was being affectionate with him again. Truly? Maybe. I guess. I know that I have made an effort toward that because that was one of his complaints. And it’s been a conscious effort because of the issues I’m worried about that affect our life and he has had control over but not taken care of. Part of the consequences I feared would happen did happen Thursday. The initial consequence wasn’t as bad as I imagined it would be, however, the end result may be just as bad. Until he gets this thing settled, there is no way to settle another issue that could have consequences for me as well as him. Direct ones for me and not indirect. Worry and stress affect me to many degrees in my everyday life.

Now, Dirk did have a bit of jealousy last night. Not in regards to me really. Chane and I had a date but I also had my grandson to watch. Chane and I took him to see How To Train Your Dragon in IMAX 3D. Dirk would have loved to have been there. When we went to bed last night, he said, isn’t it weird that I don’t have a problem with sharing my wife but sharing my grandson is different?

Well, yes and no. First, he wasn’t really jealous. He was envious and sad he had missed the experience since he was at work. Second, Dirk absolutely adores his grandchildren. Third, we aren’t allowed anything to do with our first one. Because we miss out on seeing him grow up, we are more careful about making sure we don’t miss out on more than we have to with this grandson.Like Dirk says, we still love the first one just as much, and it is still difficult after these years not to be in his life. Because we know the heartache of that, small things with our younger grandson mean so much more to us. Particularly Dirk. He likes children in general more than I do. Do not get me wrong, I love my children and grandchildren. I do not regret having children, but I could have been happy without them. I’m not one of those women who needed children to be complete. Dirk, though, I’m not sure he could have had a truly happy life without the children. The only thing that could have made his child experience better was if we could have had a daughter as well.

Ok, Ok, back on topic. What exactly does Dirk want and feel about things? I don’t know for sure any more if he is truly comfortable with things. Maybe as they are now but, since we’ve discussed things going further, that hasn’t happened. Is he still ok with the concepts we previously discussed? Since they haven’t come about yet, is he now comfortable as things are? Do I now need to talk to him before I can have a talk with Chane? I feel that I do. I do not feel we talk as much as we used to. Well, that we have true communication the way we used to.  It is concerning me to be frank. I do not feel that the conversation that I’m waiting to have with Chane can be as effective as it needs to be until I’m once again sure about Dirk’s comfort zone and where he is ok with things going between Chane and I.

Do I want too much? Should I just be comfortable with the casual area our relationships have landed? I truly do not know if that is possible. If my relationship with Chane had not reached the depth that it had, I could more than likely live with the casualness of things now. But I just do not know if I can go backwards with things. If I can have what amounts, to me, as a FWB relationship with Chane. If I have to get rid of some of the feelings and not all of them, I do not know if that is possible.

Dirk and Arwen are not close any more. I do not see the urge from either of them for things to be that way. I stay confused. By all of this but the priority confusion at this time is with Dirk. Where is he at in the whole scheme of things? I need to get to the bottom of things. I need to stop living a confused life.

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