Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

From Primary to Secondary

on June 13, 2010

I believe it is evident that I’ve been struggling for a while. It’s true that Chane and I needed a good talk and it went well.

I’ve been wondering what we each came away from that talk with. I can’t really say for Chane, but for me….I think it’s finally dawned on me that, while I would say that I’m his secondary and in my head I believed that, in my heart I wasn’t prepared to let go off being more. So, I’m trying to adjust, in my head and my heart, to going from basically another primary of his to a true secondary. This is a bit difficult for me.

I’m reading and thinking and trying to figure out what rights a secondary has. What one should settle for. Things like that.

And I’m trying to decide if I what to open up our polyfi relationship. I think that I do but bad enough to upset or hurt a couple of the others? I want to open it because what we agreed on in the beginning was basically two marriages for each of us. That is not what we have. And needs that I opened myself up to and believed would be met aren’t. I spend just as much time alone. I have to be the one to instigate any of us getting together most of the time.

I don’t want the NRE as that can seem to cause problems. Well, I’ve never had that for the most part. And frankly, even with all his changes, I just do not know how Dirk would handle any NRE at all on my part. I want to find someone that could met a few of my needs. Another secondary. Preferably with someone whose partner either doesn’t have issues or is at least willing to admit to having them and will work on them.

I’m feeling right now that I want to open things up or close them again and live monogamously.


6 responses to “From Primary to Secondary

  1. Euphrates says:

    Best resource I’ve come across regarding secondaries:


    And something anyone with secondary relationships should read:


    Not that you probably haven’t found those already. But Franklin rawks. 🙂

  2. letseatcake! says:

    Glad you got the link to a Secondary’s rights.

    I agree you should open you relationship up more if your needs aren’t being met. In some cases, that’s the point 🙂

    Maybe you could even find one with no partner at all! That, of course, has its downsides as well, but maybe it would be a good change for you.

    Good luck!

    • oneof4 says:

      Yes, I imagine someone with no partner at all would have it’s own set of issues! But, I think I’d be willing to find out what they are.

      It’s been an eye-opener for me accepting this and being ok with it all. Things that bothered me before have less of a tendecy to do so now. And it’s allowed me to be more appreciative of what I do have.

      I’ve got some other things going on in my life right now that would make it difficult to pursue another relationship at the moment but who knows what the future holds?!

  3. peter says:

    is there anything like primary and secondary love?

    • Hmmmm, I suppose that’s all in how you look at things. If I love someone, I love them.

      Primary and secondary to me is how closely my life is intertwined with another. Do I live with you, share finances with you, etc.

      Some people, in my opinion, do assign it to degrees of love. That one person will always come first.

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