Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Being Satisfied

on June 27, 2010

I had a rough day yesterday. I was very disappointed in Chane for not ensuring we saw each other. Our quad anniversary was this week and also one of the few nights a month I get to see him…due to schedules and being limited to one car at the time, I didn’t get to see him for either of those things. Therefore, I was missing him quite a bit.

Yesterday, after I mentioned that I miss him, he suggested I come to the city he was shopping with Arwen and his mother in. Now, this was suggested ONLY after I mentioned missing him and at a time it was not feasible for me to go. Otherwise, I’d have gone in a heartbeat. I mentioned it would have been nice to have know about this on Friday. He said he hadn’t thought about it then. I HATE when he makes me feel I am forcing him to see me and he has to come up with something. It hurt that he hadn’t even thought about seeing me, especially considering the days during the week that had been special or normal visiting days.

Like I said yesterday, I spend quite a bit of time on my own these days. And of the four of us, I am the only one that does that.

I was upset over these events and talked with Dirk about it. I told him that I wanted to find someone who actually wanted to spend time with me and I wasn’t an afterthought with (not talking about him but Chane). He in turn got upset with me. Told me that, even though I’ve said I could live monogamously again with him, when I say these things he doubts I can do that. I could be happy with just him if we closed our marriage. My point is that it is NOT currently closed. So, why shouldn’t I want to be with someone who makes an effort to be with me? Someone to whom I do not always come last. What is wrong with that since our marriage isn’t closed? Am I allowed to only have a relationship with this one man other than my husband? Is it his old pattern of double standards? Because his relationship with Arwen only the restrictions of his making. If he wanted to spend more time with her he could (other than the problem with his schedule). She could be more important in his life if he wanted.

And I absolutely hate to cry because of all this shit.

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2 responses to “Being Satisfied

  1. It’s always really hard and disappointing when you feel like one of your partners isn’t making the effort to see you, and that maybe you make more of an effort than they do. I struggled with this for awhile and used to call my boyfriend my “fair-weather boyfriend” because I felt like he would only see me when it was convenient for him. There’s no good solution because all you can do is tell them how it makes you feel and leave it to them to either try harder or not…but I’d be careful about assuming that it is a reflection of his feelings for you. Sometimes guys are clueless about how we will react or feel to things they didn’t even realize they were doing or not doing 🙂

    • oneof4 says:

      Thanks for the encouragement. I do know the man loves me. I just have some rights even if I am secondary.

      I’m starting a home business for an additional income so I will be filling up some of that free time all by myself.

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