Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

How To Explain

on August 4, 2010

I have the hardest time explaining how loving someone else doesn’t mean I love my husband less. Or how I can be ok with him loving someone else. Doesn’t that mean he can’t give me 100% of his love? Doesn’t that mean I’m not enough for him? These are the biggest questions that my family seems to have for me (other than the morality of sex with someone other than your spouse).

How can I explain that I have let go of thinking Dirk belongs to me. That he is mine. The truth really is that he has never been mine. He is his own. We are married and we chose to be because we wanted the other in our life. It was a choice we both made. Though we fell for the society mandate hook line and sinker. I will never say that it was easy to go from the monogamous mentality to the polyamorous mentality. It wasn’t. However, it has been a great journey even if very painful at times.

I have said here more than once that Dirk and I could live monogamously again (due to circumstances we are very close to that now) but we will  never again believe that is the only way to go.

How can I explain the compersion I feel when I see or listen to Dirk tell me about his time with Arwen? How do I explain that it is a wondrous feeling especially on the heels of jealousy and pain his behavior has caused? How can I explain how much closer he and I are due to this journey we are on?

I don’t expect everyone to agree with me or convert to poly. I would just like to make myself understood.

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11 responses to “How To Explain

  1. IntrigueMe says:

    Anyone who matters shouldn’t need an explanation that is satisfactory to them. They should just accept it because it’s what you choose and it (usually) makes you happy.

    • oneof4 says:

      Yes, that’s true. That’s how it should be. And yes, it usually makes me happy. Just the freedom to have another relationship (whether I do or not) makes me happy.

  2. loveeasy says:

    I don’t think that polyamory is so much a practice as it a belief. Many people just assume that if you’re poly then you must be sleeping with everyone you meet and leading a somewhat promiscuous lifestyle. As you said, you could live monogamously again but the difference is that you leave the door open behind you. I have trouble explaining this to people also and am very careful who I choose to tell. Some people just don’t get it and are quick to pass judgement so it’s easier to not say anything sometimes.

    • oneof4 says:

      I agree that is it usually much easier not to say much to many people. Especially in the deep south.

      What would you say to someone really trying to understand the concept of polyamory?

      • loveeasy says:

        If someone is really trying to understand and I am having difficulty explaining I have suggested they “Google” polyamory and research it themselves as the information available on the internet is far more thorough than any explanation I can give. It also gives them a greater insight and helps them to understand that there are many more poly people out there in the world. Actually, a link to your own blog would help as there are many more links to poly resources right here on this page. 🙂

  3. twowives says:

    I completely understand. I have two wives now and we all live together very happily. It’s not about what society deems normal, it what the three of us want.

  4. I’m trying to figure out, how do I explain to my husband, that because I am curious about polyamory and really just open relationships, it doesn’t make me love him any less? Ever since the issue has been brought to the surface, he’s very insecure and thinks he’s not good enough…

    • oneof4 says:

      I know this is hard. All I can say is go out of your way to make him feel loved.

      We fell into polyamory and though it was something we did want to pursue, most of us had to deal with this very thing at some point while we were adjusting.

      It’s what we are taught. Right or wrong, it’s what most of us are lead to believe. That we should be enough for the one we love. I wrote this post because I have trouble getting my family to understand that Dirk or I loving others doesn’t mean we love each other less. That I feel it shows we love each other unconditionally because we recognize what the other gets from others in their lives.

      Maybe lead your husband to some of the resources I have listed to the side. Ask him to do some reading (research) from those who are impartial to your specific situation.

      Good luck.

      • Thanks for the advice. 🙂

        • oneof4 says:

          I’m sorry I really didn’t have that much advice to offer.

          Patience on your part will be needed. Would he be willing to read some things on polyamory? The resources I have listed on this blog are really very good. So are most of the blogs I have listed as well.

          • He’s not much of a reader. I’ve read a lot about the subject, checked out a lot of blogs. I’ve talked to him about a lot of what I’ve read.. Even some of the bad things that can obviously go down.. It’s just like what you said: patience. Maybe he’ll eventually come around. Maybe not. It’s important to me.. But not as important as he is. Time will tell I guess. Thanks again!

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