Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Respect and Dignity

I haven’t been writing much about struggles lately. That’s a good thing. We haven’t really been doing much of that lately.

I have been privy, however, to a few of those of others and it hasn’t been pretty. One couple I know has been struggling with issues but open and honest in communications between them. I’ve watched them grow from afar and it’s been a pleasure to see things working out for them.

Another couple I know haven’t done so well. In fact, they have split up and are divorcing. It’s sad. But, I’m not completely sure poly is the only reason. I think it was what brought problems they had been hiding to the front and communication wasn’t thorough with them and it couldn’t overcome what had been going on for years it seems.

I think it’s a natural course in most instances for one person to love more than the other person (whether monogamous or polyamorous). Or at least it easier for one person to show and express that love more easily. One seems to always give a bit more than the other (sometimes quite more than a bit).  One is usually more secure than the other.

Polyamory requires some sense of self worth. It requires not having the mentality of win-lose situation. It requires the ability to see a win-win situation. It means not seeing other relationships your loved one may have as competition. It isn’t always easy. I don’t deny that.

It can’t be a case of double standards being held. Of one being ok with outside relationships only if it’s them participating in them and not being ok with the other doing the same. It can’t be blaming your partner for something you said was ok, something you did yourself.

Yes, I know that being ok with something in theory is different than being ok with it in practice. But, if you discover that to be the truth, you can’t blame your partner for this. You can renegotiate things. Agree that poly isn’t on the plate for either of you any more. Or not. It may end up being a deal breaker. However, you really don’t have the right to lay the blame at the feet of  your partner for you not being ok with something you assured him/her that you were fine with. If you realize that you are not fine with what you stated, there is nothing wrong with explaining this to your partner and dealing with it from there. You have to own that you have a part in the pain or issues you are experiencing. That you can’t do blame if your partner was told this was ok.

It’s one thing to find you have problems with something you thought you wouldn’t have. It’s another to have the relationships yourself, know your partner is working through somethings regarding that, and not be willing to do the same when the shoe is on the other foot. Double standards really rub me the wrong way. Maybe they bother me so much because I’ve lived through them. Dirk will be the first to tell you that he had them. And in a bad way. I believe Arwen has them about some things.

In all relationships in your life you need to treat each other with the respect and dignity that we are all due. Most specifically from those we trust with our feelings. With those we love and who profess to love us.


Football and My Men

This past weekend was full of SEC football and time with our other halves.

The football went well for my men, since their teams won but, for me, it was worse, yet better than expected. We lost, and by more than was predicted but it had some good points as well. We’ll get things back together. It will just take a while.

I watched most of the two games for my men. A little difficult for one since it was played at the same time as mine. I had my laptop (with headset) in the room with the tv while Chane’s team played. Dirk played earlier in the day all by himself. (Next week his team plays at the same time as mine because we play each other.)

Had a nice lazy weekend with Chane and Arwen. It went by too fast. Usually does. And I miss him more than normal right after we’ve left.

I’ve talked with a friend about his situation in missing his girlfriend when he doesn’t get to see her as often as he’d like, and it reminded me that I still need to be happy with what I have instead of what I don’t have. I’m lucky to have two men to love and who love me.


Franklin’s Map of Non-Monogamy

Check out this link. It’s rather interesting and entertaining at the same time.

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