I have been privy, however, to a few of those of others and it hasn’t been pretty. One couple I know has been struggling with issues but open and honest in communications between them. I’ve watched them grow from afar and it’s been a pleasure to see things working out for them.
Another couple I know haven’t done so well. In fact, they have split up and are divorcing. It’s sad. But, I’m not completely sure poly is the only reason. I think it was what brought problems they had been hiding to the front and communication wasn’t thorough with them and it couldn’t overcome what had been going on for years it seems.
I think it’s a natural course in most instances for one person to love more than the other person (whether monogamous or polyamorous). Or at least it easier for one person to show and express that love more easily. One seems to always give a bit more than the other (sometimes quite more than a bit). One is usually more secure than the other.
Polyamory requires some sense of self worth. It requires not having the mentality of win-lose situation. It requires the ability to see a win-win situation. It means not seeing other relationships your loved one may have as competition. It isn’t always easy. I don’t deny that.
It can’t be a case of double standards being held. Of one being ok with outside relationships only if it’s them participating in them and not being ok with the other doing the same. It can’t be blaming your partner for something you said was ok, something you did yourself.
Yes, I know that being ok with something in theory is different than being ok with it in practice. But, if you discover that to be the truth, you can’t blame your partner for this. You can renegotiate things. Agree that poly isn’t on the plate for either of you any more. Or not. It may end up being a deal breaker. However, you really don’t have the right to lay the blame at the feet of your partner for you not being ok with something you assured him/her that you were fine with. If you realize that you are not fine with what you stated, there is nothing wrong with explaining this to your partner and dealing with it from there. You have to own that you have a part in the pain or issues you are experiencing. That you can’t do blame if your partner was told this was ok.
It’s one thing to find you have problems with something you thought you wouldn’t have. It’s another to have the relationships yourself, know your partner is working through somethings regarding that, and not be willing to do the same when the shoe is on the other foot. Double standards really rub me the wrong way. Maybe they bother me so much because I’ve lived through them. Dirk will be the first to tell you that he had them. And in a bad way. I believe Arwen has them about some things.
In all relationships in your life you need to treat each other with the respect and dignity that we are all due. Most specifically from those we trust with our feelings. With those we love and who profess to love us.