Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Starting Multiple Relationships

on October 17, 2010

I’ve been chatting with some couples latey about poly and what they are facing as far as issues within that. One couple is fairly new in a relationship. He started seeing her towards the end of a primary relationship he was in (this wasn’t the cause of the breakup). The woman, though never being in a relationship exactly of this nature, is more than open to it. She has in fact been a secondary of sorts in a couple of relationships (including this one to begin with).

He is interested in seeing others and would like to pursue that. Actually intends to as this was the agreement they’ve had. She is fine with how casual things have been in the past for them as well.

She currently seems to be struggling with him seeing others and is trying to determine why it is bothering her now. It is my opinion that thngs have changed somewhat between them recently. They’ve had the chance to see each other more frequently and the dynamics are shifting. It is becoming in a sense more of a primary relationship for each of them.

My opinions (for what that is worth) is:
1. She would be fine if things stayed casual.
2. It can get confusing when you don’t know the context of a relationship or when it is changing. So, she may just need to know what it is they are building.

Actually, I question starting multiple reltionships concurrently. Maybe because I question my own ability to do so. I felt the need to solidify what I had with Chane before I could begin seeing someone else (even if seeing others had been agreed to).

What do you think? Is it best to have a foundation in each of your relationships before beginning another or it doesn’t matter to you?


4 responses to “Starting Multiple Relationships

  1. twowives says:

    I’ve been married 23 years and only brought Wife #2 in a year ago. I don’t think for any of us we could have all gotten together at the same time. It takes a long time to deal with the emotional fallout of having three+ together.

  2. MrsF says:

    I don’t always think it’s necessary to have a lifelong commitment to your primary before involving a secondary. However, I do think that no matter when others are brought in, open communication and a commitment to integrity are critical. You have to be able to talk about it all, and trust your other partners, so that any iffy feelings can be discussed and dealt with in the open. I also think everyone has to be on the same page, and agree on what this relationship is. If one person wants more than another is prepared to give, you’ll have huge problems – this applies whether you’re monogamous, casual, or anything else.

    • Oneof4 says:

      I wasn’t saying that I thought a long term commitment with one partner was needed before starting another. I just think that each relationship deserves, if not needs, the time to be built. I believe that is difficult to do when you are starting more than one concurrently.

      I suppose it could be done. But there is generally NRE involved and going through that with two at the same time would be straining. At least for me.

      I totally agree with you that each person should state what they want from a relationship. In any relationship style.

      Thank you for reading and commenting.

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