Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Not Writing Often

on December 16, 2010

I just don’t post often at all these days. Starting a business is part of it. Not having internet access readily available at the moment is another. Finances are tight right now and cable TVs with internet access is something we moved to the bottom of the list for now. I can get on the internet at work for email and stuff but can’t risk my blog. My phone had access and I keep up with things that way. However, I really tend to misspelled typing on my phone keyboard.

Then there’s the fact that things in our quad are not “exciting”. It isn’t that things don’t need improving. Some things do. I’m struggling a bit myself with things I want so badly to let go. Things I’ve been dealing with well. Examples; relationship limitations with Chanel and how Arwen treats my men.

I could be having problems again because it’s the holiday season and I either love that time or it depresses me. Its actually a combination this year. Strange. And the other is, while I haven’t been blogging, I have been talking poly. And some of the conversations I’ve had, as well as blogs I’ve read, have made me remember consciously things I have actually put behind me. And things I try to deal with positively. All thus over the last couple of months, combined with not seeing Chanel and having quality time at least, had me wondering just how much longer I can continue like this.

I feel we must, at times, re-evaluate our relationships. For them to be healthy, I believe the positives must outweigh the negatives as a whole. My relationship with Chanel is more neutral than anything else. No real positives. What do I get from this relationship? Both the positives and negatives are harder to see since I’ve had to distance myself from my feelings so much just so I can cope. I really wasn’t aware until recently just his emotionally distant I’ve become. I haven’t had much if a choice.

Maybe I should wait to deal with this until after the holidays are over since they seem to be having some influence over me. Or, hell, maybe that influence is so ill actually think. Something I now know I’ve been avoiding.


2 responses to “Not Writing Often

  1. IntrigueMe says:

    I thought maybe I had just gotten busy and was missing your posts… good to know I’m not (entirely, anyway- I know there are some I haven’t read yet).

    I think re-evaluating our relationships periodically is a natural and unavoidable part of life and happiness. If that’s what you need to do, then don’t feel guilty about it. For every negative (or neutral) thing you cut out of your life, you create room for something more positive.

    Happy Holidays 🙂

    • oneof4 says:

      After reading your comment, it dawned on me that yes, the holidays are definitely part if the reason I’m thinking. The new year is upon us and while Christmas is more in my mind, this has to be there too. And isn’t that the time lots of us re-evaluate many things?

      I stop at times and think how my relationship with my husband is going as well. Maybe it helps that I actually can talk with him most any time I need to. I don’t have those opportunities with Chanel and things fester and then I get irritated that I don’t have more control over seeing him. Some conversations just require face to face.

      I want a positive life. I’m lucky that I have far more positives in my life than otherwise. Even the chance to re-evaluate a relationship with someone other than my husband is a positive thing. To be able to discuss that with Dirk is great. Its an amazing thing to realize just how much we love each other and how much we want the other to be happy.

      Thanks. Feeling good about my life as a whole right now.

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