Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

What Will The New Year Bring to My Life and My Blog?

on January 7, 2011

My life;
I don’t usually make resolutions each year as I feel I shouldn’t try to improve just once a year only. And there’s the fact that I just procrastinate. I haven’t always been that way….procrastinating. I used to plan everything, and I mean everything.

When my children were in a car accident over 5 years ago and one of them almost died, I had a drastic change in that behavior.

Then, came the last four years of learning to deal with and thrive in polyamory. In the beginning things were so difficult that I didn’t have emotional resources to cope with much of anything else. I don’t always know how I made it through sane and happy and glad for the journey. Now, I’ve just gotten lazy and disorganized I feel.

What I would like to find is a happy middle ground. I’ve been to the extreme on both sides and somewhere between those two points would be nice.

Though resolutions aren’t normally my thing, I do have a tendency to take stock of things ever of often. I have been reevaluating relationship wants verses relationship requirements lately.

If you’ve read some of my blog, you’ll know that I struggle with my relationship with Chane. I love him and I’ve come to realize he loves me too. But aren’t there times that isn’t the issue? The loving part? There are times you can irrationally love someone you aren’t truly compatible with. I don’t get out of this relationship some things I want/need. And I’m learning that the major things are not so much wants as needs. Or I guess requirements.

I’ve tried to compromise for a few reasons. One being, I have two different relationships. With two different men. They should NOT be the same. And differences should be something you take pleasure in. I’ve come to realize from my perspective that different doesn’t have to mean I’m doing without a core need of mine. It seems there are things I just can’t compromise on.

Trust. I need to feel I can trust a person. We blindly trust people to an extent before we come to know them. Not with deep personal stuff but we seem to begin a relationship, of any kind, with the belief that this person is not bad. With the assumption that is isn’t their goal in life to hurt us. If the bare basics of limited knowledge of each other holds that trust to be valid, we start sharing more and as each step continues that way, we find ourselves building trusting relationships.

In an intimate, romantic relationship, I need to know I can trust this person. I’ve opened myself up to this person to get to this point. Will he catch me when I fall? Will he step out of his comfort zone to stand for what we have? I may never need a lover to do that but I need to know if it came down to it, he would. Not to the detriment of other relationships he has. No, I wouldn’t want that. But, even as a secondary to him, there will be times he needs to be there for me. To say, “I chose to love this person and I will back that up.”.

I’ve realized that the constant stress and fear of someone outside my relationship having control of said relationship is something I no longer am willing to live with. I don’t like knowing that Arwen controls whether I am in a relationship with Chane or not and that she can define what that relationship is. I don’t like that Chane won’t stand for our rights.

I need/require a man who will talk with me. Who will share feelings with me. Who is willing to work at making a relationship work instead of letting it coast or ignoring when it starts heading back in reverse. I’ll open myself up to you, I need the same from you. I need you to be willing to have open, honest, and at times, difficult discussions with me. I don’t like sweeping things under the rug. It does not work for me, I will only withdraw into myself. I try not too but I know my limits and you reject me in that way too many times and I will stop making myself vulnerable to you.

I’ve done my best over the years to explain there things to Chane. He doesn’t appear to listen and changes the subject normally. He blows me off.

What will become of he and I? I don’t have much hope at this point. I now am very aware of my core relationship needs. His are not the same. I’m just willing to give things one final try if he will cooperate. But I don’t see it.

So, if/when things end, I don’t believe I will seek out another BF for a while. I’m a bit exhausted from this one. LOL

Besides, I have a good man in my life. One that I’ve been with through hell and he came out the other side with me. A man that will hold my hand when I grieve the loss of a BF. A man that will encourage me to find another when I feel able. A man and a relationship that most people would envy me for . Almost 29 years!

Will I love monogamously? Maybe. At least for a time. I suppose you could say it would be monogamous by circumstance and not by beliefs. I will always believe poly is a viable alternative. I will most likely have a BF again one day. When the time comes for me to try again, I will have more experience under my best and better understanding of what I need. And that’s a good thing.

My blog;
I’ve committed to posting once a week. I’d prefer once a day but I know internet access for me isn’t easy these days.

I have a poly blog. I enjoy writing about that. I want others to know they are not alone in this. The journey has been an long, difficult and rewarding one. However, what can I really write about poly? I’ve covered much. I need to get some thoughts bouncing around more concrete and maybe revisit some things.

But—–should I expand? Should I take some or the topics being suggested in the challenge and write about them in general? Not always make it around poly?

Hmmm? If you are reading this, please let me know what your thoughts on that are.


2 responses to “What Will The New Year Bring to My Life and My Blog?

  1. IntrigueMe says:

    I think you should write about whatever you want, it is your blog after all. There is no reason you should feel you have to write about poly and only poly. 🙂

    I do have one question regarding this post… first, I think it’s good you’re reconsidering this secondary relationship because it doesn’t seem to make you very happy…. but I’m wondering if that ending will change your feelings towards your husbands relationship with Arwen… or if it will change the dynamic of the entire thing even if your feelings about it don’t change.

    Wht do you think?

  2. oneof4 says:

    Yes I’ve thought about those things. I don’t normally say as much about Dirk and Arwen and their relationship. It feels strange about that from a third person view. Besides it caused problems when Arwen was reading my blog.

    Dirk hasn’t really been happy for a while. It may be that he is worse than me. I feel my discontent has possible gotten worse because I can see what’s down the road for them and I can see where that will lead for Chane and I.

    I’ll see if I can get something in writing from Dirk on this and post it.

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