Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

No Need to Blame Polyamory

on March 4, 2011

I was reading a post from a blog I subscribe to…Practicing Polyamory and it hit me some with regards to our breakup.

It’s common knowledge on this blog that we “fell into polyamory” and it wasn’t something we sought out. However, it is something we all four decided to try. A commitment was stated by each of us, around the time we got matching bands, that we were in this for the long haul. To me that’s choosing, individually, to live polyamorously. If any of us didn’t intend to do that, if any of us felt that this wasn’t their idea and wasn’t interested in living this way, it should have been stated.

Polyamory shouldn’t be blamed for any part of this breakup. I agree with the post I was reading. It isn’t poly but the relationships.

It would be easy to say, I wish we hadn’t started poly and then their wouldn’t have been problems. It’s even easy to blame poly for the problems a monogamous relationship had before trying poly. I mean, the problems in the relationship have been there since before poly but much easier to ignore while living mono.

For example, if you don’t communicate well while monogamous and you start poly relationships, it isn’t going to suddenly get better. In fact, it will be spotlighted. If you choose not to work at communicating better, you can’t blame the poly lifestyle. You’ve always had the problem in the relationship. It’s the relationship.

What was wrong before, will still be wrong if you don’t work on it.

I certainly don’t blame poly for anything. I chose to learn and grow to live this way. If I didn’t want to do that, it was my right and my  responsibility to say I wasn’t interested in this.

It’s the same for the others. No one forced any of us to do this. The results and consequences are a direct result of individual choices and actions.

If the original relationships before the quad are suffering in any way now, it isn’t the poly that is doing that. It’s that the relationship already had problems that weren’t addressed and still haven’t been addressed or that the relationship wasn’t maintained as it was before the quad.

Chane and I are over, not because we were in poly relationships. But because of issues we couldn’t come to terms with for our individual relationship. Boundaries that weren’t respected. Even though that may be due to influences from other relationships, I still don’t believe poly is to blame. Each individual has the ability to chose what they are willing to give to a relationship. And each individual has the right to state what they need from a relationship. If those things don’t match in some significant way, then the relationship isn’t going to work. In monogamous ones or polyamourous ones.

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One response to “No Need to Blame Polyamory

  1. […] No Need to Blame Polyamory (lovingmorethanone.wordpress.com) […]

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