Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Doesn’t Want to Share? Or Doesn’t Want to Share with Me?

on March 22, 2011

For the most part, I had a good relationship with Chane. His main fault with me was that I felt Arwen caused the majority of our problems. She controlled our relationship more than I felt was right. Then again, he let her. And I did too to start with. Live and learn.

She’s said since the end of the breakup that she is thankful to have her husband all to herself again. That this was never her idea. Maybe not. But she is actually the one to form a “relationship” with Dirk that didn’t involve just swinging before Chane and I ever did. She may not have known about the word poly….none of us did. But, what wasn’t her idea? Having a relationship with Dirk? Then why did she pursue that? Chane and I having a relationship? Well, double standards did abound in this quad for quiet a while in favor of Dirk and Arwen.Did she have a problem with Chane having another relationship at all? Or was it just him having one with me?

I ask because, though she says she wants him all to herself, they are now paying on a site to meet others that they formerly were only free members of. She is bi, or at least when she decides to be. Are they only looking for other females?

It shouldn’t matter and in the long run, it doesn’t. But, here’s where I have issues. Chane and I loved each other. I still love him. I know she has issues but, I can not imagine asking, even indirectly by my behavior, for Dirk to end a relationship with someone he loved. Period. Much less ask him to end that and then ask him to pursue others with me after having him break things off. (Though I’m sure it would be pointed out to me that I actually did the breaking up. But I didn’t really have a choice. Long, long story.)

Now, to be fair, I don’t know the whole story to what they are doing. It just hurts a bit when I see this online. At no time did I say we should all be exclusive. That was out of my control.  Can’t say that I would have seen anyone else but it was never a requirement of mine that it was forbidden. That came from Arwen to start with.

I miss Chane. I love him and it APPEARS that sharing him wasn’t really the deal, no matter what Arwen has said. It was sharing him with me.

I can’t even say that I’m any where near ready to look for someone else. Not even ready to consider swinging again. And it’s a bit disconcerting to know that they are. For Chane has had to agree to this I imagine. Of course, I suppose there is the possibility that Arwen is the only one looking. The profile is for a couple though.

It’s amazing the things about this that can still hurt. Though I’ll be the first to admit, they have the right to do as they please.

Just wondering today (and after watching something on TV last night that followed some of the same thoughts), what is it about me personally that wasn’t worth Chane fighting for and what it was about me that Arwen found so hard to take.

Not, putting myself down here. I know I am worthy. I know I deserve to be treated with integrity. I just wonder why I wasn’t. And I selfishly wonder why I have do without someone I love.

Oh well, I’ll be better tomorrow.


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