Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Revisiting The End Addressed to Chane

on March 29, 2011

For a weird reason (not important to this), I came across the text from Chane that was the last communication we had before I ended things with him.It just confirmed our basic lack of communication.

You say you found things out on my blog that you didn’t feel I had told you. I say that I tried to have these conversations with you face to face. It was just like pulling teeth to me to get you to actually say something. I wanted so much to have a relationship with you that communication wasn’t so difficult. I need that.

At times it was a issue (with all four of us I feel at times) that we didn’t change communication styles according to which lover we were dealing with. It’s easier to stick with what you are used to doing. Like Chane was used to communicating wtih Arwen the most since he lived with her. She and and I have vastly different styles. I would rather have it faced head on….not swept under a rug. It even got to where Dirk would try to communicate with me like he and Chane needed to with Arwen. It just isn’t how I function. And, frankly, I deserve to be treated as an individual. I felt you should talk with me as freely as Dirk will. That isn’t you and I tried to meet you half  way on that.

You’ve accused me of blaming everything on Arwen. I don’t deny that I hold her accountable for many things. If for no other reason than she was unwilling to deal with things. I’m not perfect. I know this. But I don’t hide from things for the most part.

What hurts me about thinking of all this again (and I need to at times to make sure I don’t just remember the good things), is that, if everyone is honest with theirselves I’ve been told that I tried so hard with her. Both Chane and Dirk have told me that I did. In the end,you said things to me that made it sound like either, you had never thought those things and only said them to me (why the hell you would do that is beyond me) or now you no longer do.

There are so many times that I never felt I got the whole story from you. Times I felt you only offered up just enough to keep me around. Now, I ask myself, why would you do that? I never knew what I actually offered you. What you  got from a relationship with me. The best I got along those lines was once you told me that I offered you a different perspective on issues. What? I make you think? That’s it?

Back to fussing at me about what I blog about. Why read it and sit there and stew about it? Just talk to me about what you read instead of reading it and holding it in. Isn’t that what I wanted you to do to start with? But reading it and not addressing things was dishonest. You saw into me without affording me the same right to see into you. Wrong Chane. Just wrong. For both you and Arwen to do that.

I never responded much to that last long text you sent. Just told you I was walking out the door. I knew where it was and I could walk through it. But, Dirk and I are not to blame for everything either. Most specifically me. I’m the one both you and Arwen have accused. Yet, you both know that I’m willing to sit down and discuss things. I may not agree with you but I do have the willingness to at least try to see another’s POV. No matter what you said about that last talk we mediated. I made Dirk see Arwen’s side just as much as I tried to make her see his side.

You need to face up to some things on your end if you are to ever have another outside relationship.

I know that I love(d) you. I know that I tried to make it work with you. I know I’ve done my best.

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