Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.


on April 1, 2011

Do you ever just find yourself in a rut? Maybe more than one of them at a time?

I do. I am in that rut in a way. In the things I get accomplished in a day. I just don’t get as much done. Either at work or at home or even at play/fun. And I don’t think I realized it until something was pointed out to me recently.

How the hell did I get here?

I know that have been things that has just caused major turmoil in my life. The wreck my children were in was the beginning of this for me I believe. In the beginning Poly was one of them. I’m not blaming poly for any of this. It’s how I chose to handle it that is the problem I believe.

Yes, it took so much of my energy to just make it through a day after the wreck and even 4 years ago when Dirk feel in love with Arwen. I mean, it was all I could do to get up much less keep things running well.

That isn’t the case now so, how come I still have some of those same things still going on. Not the getting up everyday but it’s like during all that I forgot how to function and now I still am not doing it well. Now that I don’t need to spend all my energy just on making sure breath is flowing in and out of my body, I should be doing better.

I think it is a rut. I got used to letting things slide as long as they could. To just coping with what I absolutely had to at the moment just to make it through a day. Because so very much came up to cope with. And some difficult stuff at that. During times such as that, some things are just not a priority right then.

I think I’ve failed in putting some things back on the priority list.

Also, so much of my energy was used up with dealing with the drama of things in my life, that I reserved as much of it as I could. Who knows when you may need it?

Now, that drama isn’t a part of my life right now (drama, not stress), I’m seeing how far I’ve let things go. Now, I need to get back on track. Maybe more flexible than I used to be but more structured than I am right now.

I don’t need to reserve energy or anything now in the fear that I will have something major to cope with. I’m not going to let the drama in my life again that has been a daily part of it until recently.

Sure, things will happen. I’ll have to draw on my resources again. Just not so continually as I have been. When it is the exception instead of the rule, I’ll find what I need when I need it.

I don’t want making it through the day to be my biggest goal any more. I’m going to have to find the motivation to take my life back in ways that I hadn’t even realized I needed to. I think I’ve gotten lazy about some things because I put so much effort into other things.

Makes me wonder….was it a drastic change to this? Was it a gradual one? Maybe some of both I suspect.


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