Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Staying Friends With An Ex

on April 27, 2011

Why is the concept of staying friends with an ex such a hard one to grasp for many people? Maybe the majority of people? What am I missing when I believe that it is possible?

I’ve lost touch with exes but once the healing point is past I’ve never thought I wasn’t willing to be friends of some kind. Why would I? I obviously saw something in this person that appealed to me. How would that completely go away just because we were no longer romantically involved?

Granted, this was all in my teenage years until recently. But I feel that way even now.

In high school my very best friend was an ex boyfriend. What would I have missed out on if we hadn’t been willing to get past that and find what we were truly meant to be to each other?

I’m at the stage now where I could be friends with Chane. I would actually like that. I know that we aren’t going to be best friends with the situation as it is. But what’s wrong with occasionally talking? What’s wrong wtih letting him know if I come across something I think he may like to know, would enjoy seeing or hearing? I personally don’t find a problem with that.

Such was the case either yesterday or Monday. I sent a text to Chane sharing what I had found with him. Not a big deal to me personally. But I found myself wondering how he would take it and how Arwen would take it and I questioned whether I should have sent it. Now that I find sad and disappointing.  Questioning myself on making contact with a person I was in a relationship with for four years.

And it got me to thinking about how others feel about this. Do you normally cease all contact when you split with someone? Or do you strive to stay friends? Do you think it is different depending on whether you are poly or mono?

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10 responses to “Staying Friends With An Ex

  1. adnibay says:

    staying in touch with an ex isn’t easy, i’m married and my ex has moved on and so have i but we still can’t be friends. just can’t be. it’s something i tried for a longggg time, just couldn’t happen. though i can relate how you must feel. it’s not just the love that bonds two people, it’s the common things you share, something that made you like each other. if we get past the ex factor we might be friends, but we usually don’t.

    • Yes, I understand what you are saying. And for a while there it wouldn’t have been something I could have done either. The feelings were still too raw for me.

      Thank you for commenting! I truly do like to know how others think and feel about things.

      • adnibay says:

        i kind of like your blog, i say kind of cause i’m still going through it. so what is polyamory basically? and how do you get along with it? i searched it on google but I’ve never been good with definitions. what i like is someone to personally explain things to me. if you please may do that.

        • Kinda like is fine. Hopefully you will find something on it that appeals to you, helps you with something or is just pure entertainment for you.

          A definition of polyamory from http://www.freewebs.com/polyamory/faq.htm. Polyamory is derived from the words “poly” meaning more than one and “amour” meaning love. Essentially it is “loving more than one”. This love may be a spiritual, emotional, sexual or any combination of these. People who are open to more than one relationship (even if not currently involved in such) would be Polyamorous.

          Me personally, I find it a freedom of sorts as well. I don’t have to act upon it. But knowing that I’m capable and free to love more than one person is a freedom. From convention, from the restraint it puts on us. It’s awesome knowing that my husband’s love for me isn’t contingent on me only loving him.

          If you’re reading my blog, you’ll find this hasn’t always been an easy road for us. The payoffs have been worth the rough ride.

          Neither my husband or I are in another relationship currently and are actually enjoying the time we have together lately, but we are still open to the idea of others. We don’t want to rush into something and aren’t to the point of actively looking for others.

          Has this helped you?

  2. IntrigueMe says:

    So… did he respond?

  3. Gene Floyd says:

    Sometimes it is very difficult to remain friends with exes because by the time you get to know them inside and out as in a serious relationship, you realize that they were not the kind of person you want to be around anyway.

    • Ok, I understand that and will admit it wasn’t something I considered fully before writing this post. If that’s the case, it’s about more than whether exes should be friends.

      I was assuming that all things considered, once you healed from the breakup, you still found things about this person you could enjoy in a new light. That whatever caused the end of the romantic relationship, in the end, wouldn’t affect a different kind of relationship. That you still liked the person enough for that.

      Finding things out about a partner that reveal they are not someone you would have spent time with initially is different.

      • Gene says:

        Your situation is a bit different because you at least partially broke up due to external factors. In my case, if she had not done such a good job of hiding her darker side in the beginning, we would have probably never gotten married.

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