Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Loss of Anonymity

on May 5, 2011

I was reading some blogs I subscribe to this morning. One pouring her heart and soul out about a lost marriage, one lamenting that the work being done on her marriage at times takes two steps back to every one step forward and one feeling the loss of her “mask” her username affords because she has developed friendships with those who read her blog and it makes her question what she will post because her fear of what others think of her in the real world has now moved over into what others think of her in her safe world. ( All these descriptions are my impressions and not actually stated by the authors of said blogs.)

I’ve been where all of them are. And I visit each place again from time to time.

I’ve poured my heart and soul out here, wondered why things I thought were fixed kept cropping up, and now I have been facing, once again, my worlds merging.

For years I’ve used a traditional journal/diary. It wasn’t until I read a blog regarding poly (one of the three I was reading this morning) that I considered making any of my thoughts public in any form. This blog was such a help to me. I wanted my blog to be “our” blog. I wanted all four of us to contribute to it. That may have been forgotten by some. But you’ll find it to be true and recorded here at the time. When I couldn’t get any of the others to participate,  I did change the about page at some point to say it was my feelings and the tag line to state the same.

I did offer at some point for the others to read my blog. That didn’t even happen for quite a while. When it did, it only caused problems in our relationships. I went to the trouble of renaming the blog and changing all the names I used for people in the original one. Not rehashing this now since it is recorded here as well. I just wanted a background.

At some point in all of this,  this became MY blog. My baby. My feelings. My form of expression. It was my place. It was where I made myself vulnerable and I rarely needed to take out my private journal any longer. I felt safe here.Turned out it wasn’t a safe place for me.

After the breakup I was going to reclaim my blog for me. I stated as much. That I would write what I wanted, about whom I wanted and no one was going to dictate to me what I write. That hasn’t been totally true.

There are people in my real world that read this blog. Most of the time I never even think of that when I am posting. I really don’t.

But I haven’t been pouring my heart and soul out lately either. I’m finding a few things difficult. Mostly because, even though I’m doing fairly well with the breakup these days, how do you make yourself vulnerable to those who hurt you in the past?

I suspect, because I know them, that at least Arwen is still reading this blog. Maybe not all the time but some of it. How do I talk about things that lets this woman see into me?

And why do I have a problem with this I ask myself. Well, not matter how good I find I am doing, I also find that I am still resentful. I’m entitled to my opinions and feelings, no matter if others can see why I would feel that way or not. I lost so much and I’m  resentful that I had to. I had to deal with something yesterday that made me realize that I still struggle with the resentment. I was upset with myself but then also realized that the breakup hasn’t even been six months ago. The relationship I had was four years long. So, it’s understandable, I guess, that I am still going through the process of dealing with all the feelings involved.

And after reading those blogs this morning, I decided, it’s my freaking blog. I will state what I want no matter who is reading. True friends will still hang around even if I have shown my human nature.

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7 responses to “Loss of Anonymity

  1. Sharon says:

    I was having very similar thoughts the other day :). Very few of my IRL friends and acquaintances read my blog, but a few do and I was very worried about how one sided and self absorbed it comes across. I came to the same conclusion. It’s “MY” blog/journal and its sole purpose is to serve me. To help me sort out my feelings and to help me communicate with my husband better (It has opened up discussions between us). No matter how irrational or selfish my thoughts and reactions are, writing them down is helpful to ME.

    This is YOUR blog and it should be whatever is helpful to YOU! That the rest of us gain knowledge, acceptance and understanding by reading it is just a plus. That some may be offended is theirs to deal with. I find it helpful reading others blogs even if I don’t agree with everything they might say or how they react because it gives me a much broader view of people and relationships, outside of my own familiar base.

    Thank you for sharing with all of us!

    • I don’t find your blog sounding as if you are self absorbed. It’s how you are feeling. Those that read things like our blogs should realize that we can only tell our side of the story.

      That isn’t how I intended my blog to be initially but that is what I made of it after no one else was interested in participating.

      It is helpful to me and if it is helpful to others then that’s a bonus.

      BTW, I love Ren Faires.

  2. IntrigueMe says:

    I totally used to think “it’s MY blog and if they choose to read it then they’ll have to deal with it” but then I realized that if they didn’t deal with it, it was also going to become MY drama… and drama is one thing I do not need!

    Send me an email with your WordPress username and I’ll set you up to read my private blog when the time comes. 🙂

    • I really do understand the drama of others reading my blog and not dealing with it. Well, I’ll rephrase that to say they didn’t deal with it head on with me. I wouldn’t mind that. But you know the story.

      I have my moments of remembering and then I want to just not post here at all or I find I watch what I post. And if I post something I feel “may” be a problem I censor it. Then I have my moments of listening to friends say I should write what I want to.

      The thing is, I’m also tired of the drama of catering to others inability to deal. If any person is truly making an effort to do so, then I’m in their corner. If a person chooses not to be an adult about something I’m finding I have less and less patience with them. And I admit to assuming most of the people who would read my blog are, in fact, adults. And I think that may be a post in itself.

      I’ll send you the email. I enjoy reading what you write and hearing from you here.

  3. I enjoyed this post. I always have a fear that people near and dear to me that may be hurt by some of the things in my blog will find it. I always fear that one day someone will figure it out and I will be banned from finding work, or the position I’m working one day. I always fear I’m going to lose my cloud of secrecy because some of my close friends know about it. I’m sure they’d find no harm in telling people who writes it if they became angry. I’ve learned to trust nobody. However, I need it. I love it. And it’s MINE and it’s neat to know other people out there appreciate my life, but at the same time I wonder if it’s worth the risk.

    • It is a risk. I know this. I have to periodically determine if the risk is worth what I get from writing the blog. So far, it has been.

      I do try to keep any logins or whatnot totally separate from things I do online under my real name.

      It’s a sad state when we have to worry about things such as our jobs just because we chose to live outside the “norm”.

      Such is life.

      Enjoy your blog because, in the end you are correct, it is YOURS.

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