Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Mourning

on June 7, 2011

My cousin passed away Saturday morning.

She was a special person to me.

I didn’t know she had cancer.

I forged a relationship with her early in my life. We used to write letters back and forth. No internet then. Later in years we didn’t stay so closely in contact but when we did talk it was still freely and like time hadn’t passed. I don’t blame her at all for not letting me know personally that she had cancer. She was in the middle of a battle. She would have thought my mom would tell me. And mom says she thought she did. It’s just unfortunate that I didn’t know.

I was told rather quickly that she had died. Apparently her husband specifically asked mom to let me know by name. (I find it great that he was aware of how close we were.)

What I been struggling with since Saturday morning is not being there for her. Not knowing I only had a few short months to let her know plainly in words what she meant to me. We always put those things off if we don’t have a reason to do differently.

I struggle with now knowing she had a difficult battle and I didn’t check in on her or offer her encouragement.

I just struggle with the fact that she is gone.

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4 responses to “Mourning

  1. I’m sorry for your loss. Your cousin is in a better place now and there’s no reason you should regret the time during her illness that you weren’t with her. Reflect on all the good times you two have shared together, because I’m sure, even through all of her sickness she was thinking about those times as well.

    God bless.

    http://confusedyounglady.wordpress.com

  2. IntrigueMe says:

    Oh wow. I am so sorry about your cousin, that is devastating. It makes no sense to me that no one told you, and it’s really unfortunate because I know you would have liked to be there for her in some fashion. What else can I say, except that you are in my thoughts.

    • I believe it’s just one of those times that something fell through the cracks. Mom remembers talking about it while she was visiting in March. I’m generally at my sister’s house most of the time Mom is visiting. I must have not been there for this. In a way I can see her thinking I was….since I spend as much time there as I can while Mom is here.

      I also believe that the family used Facebook to tell it to everyone at once. I’m rarely on there and I missed that. We have a big family…..the cousin who died has 6 siblings all by herself. Cousins, nieces, nephews….well, needless to say they really add up. And we are all over the US. Mainly the east and south but we are spread out rather well.

      Thank you for your thoughts. That means a lot to me. I am doing better. As usual in a time such as this, the thoughts we more selfish than anything. She wouldn’t have been offended by me not contacting her and she is now no longer hurting. Getting it into perspective helps.

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