Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Sexual Performance

Why is it that when someone is trying to hurt another they bring into play sexual performance? And always negatively?

I know that this is a common story but…I’m know someone to whom this is happening. He is getting a divorce. Well, papers have been served I’ll say that much. I feel it will go through.

I don’t understand why the wife has had papers served if she wants to get back together with the man. I don’t know why she would say she wants to get back together with him and then tell him he isn’t the biggest or best she’s had in bed since they split up.

Well, I feel I do understand this. She is being mean and manipulative. She is what I call “mind-fucking” him.

But, she is hitting on a topic most people do have, or have had, insecurities about. And I feel it is a topic she chose purposely.

It doesn’t matter sometimes if you tell yourself these things aren’t true. Because the first time you are with someone new, or the first time something doesn’t go right in that department, you remember and start to wonder again if what she said was true.

And something will inevitably go wrong at some point. Stress, tiredness, so many things can come into play with sex. Things you don’t realize at the time are part of the equation so to speak. It’s a given, in my mind, that there will be times that things just don’t click as well as normal.

That leaves room for the doubts to enter. And once they have, you have to start the pep talks all over again. Until….you become confident within yourself. Until you know that shit happens sometimes and you aren’t always to blame for it. Until you realize enough about sexuality that you know it isn’t all about how just one person performs. It’s all the people involved in the act. Each has to bring something to the table. Each has to actively participate. The outcome of how sex goes isn’t all on one person’s shoulders.

Maturity and experience play a big role in these things. Getting that can take some time. Once someone has brought you down in this area means getting that maturity can take longer.


Happy Anniversary Dirk!!!

Today is the 27th anniversary of our marriage. Now that’s worth celebrating!

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Such Different Behaviour For Us

Dirk and I didn’t exactly go wild at the party this weekend. We didn’t have sex all over the place or anything. 😉

What we did was very different from what we were doing four years ago and even during the early and middle parts of our poly relationship.

We were free.

And it was great to find out that after all this time talking and growing it wasn’t just words we spouted. It was real.

We trusted each other enough to live up to where we said we were at.

And I don’t care if I seem to be portraying us as a perfect couple again. We are what we are. And we are good together. And apart now.


Things Are Changing

Changes are ahead for Chane and I. And, truthfully, I am surprised.

I clearly stated in written form what I need/want from this relationship and from him. I wasn’t rude, mean or really emotional as I had hit that point of being Ok with any way things turned out for us. I was thoroughly prepared for things to end because I didn’t believe he was willing to try this.

I was told differently.

He wants a relationship with me even if Arwen and Dirk do not work things out. He says he has talked with her. I have to believe that because he is actively discussing with me how we can make things work within this new dynamic. Dates, sleep overs and all things involved. When he asked had I thought of how we will find the opportunities for intimate time (we can figure out the other time together), I had to say that I hadn’t given it much thought. That I was surprised he wanted me outside of the group setting. But I assured him I would work on this with him. And I will.

Apparently, he still wants those once a week dates as well.

Things have been rough with he and I. I haven’t felt really wanted for me, as an individual, in a very long time. I told him what I need and he is responding with a true effort to work with me. I chose to give this a chance.

Slowly. In a way, I believe that we need to treat this as a new beginning, a new relationship in some ways, so that we can work on things. We are so used to the group setting and changing that dynamic will be strange at first. We may find that neither of us, or one of us, isn’t able to do this. I know that. But, trying is going to be worth it to me.

And it will be a change for Arwen and Dirk. Time we spent as a group will be time Chane and I will now spend alone and leaving them at home.

Just going to try to take things slowly but really start making the changes.


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Respect and Dignity

I haven’t been writing much about struggles lately. That’s a good thing. We haven’t really been doing much of that lately.

I have been privy, however, to a few of those of others and it hasn’t been pretty. One couple I know has been struggling with issues but open and honest in communications between them. I’ve watched them grow from afar and it’s been a pleasure to see things working out for them.

Another couple I know haven’t done so well. In fact, they have split up and are divorcing. It’s sad. But, I’m not completely sure poly is the only reason. I think it was what brought problems they had been hiding to the front and communication wasn’t thorough with them and it couldn’t overcome what had been going on for years it seems.

I think it’s a natural course in most instances for one person to love more than the other person (whether monogamous or polyamorous). Or at least it easier for one person to show and express that love more easily. One seems to always give a bit more than the other (sometimes quite more than a bit).  One is usually more secure than the other.

Polyamory requires some sense of self worth. It requires not having the mentality of win-lose situation. It requires the ability to see a win-win situation. It means not seeing other relationships your loved one may have as competition. It isn’t always easy. I don’t deny that.

It can’t be a case of double standards being held. Of one being ok with outside relationships only if it’s them participating in them and not being ok with the other doing the same. It can’t be blaming your partner for something you said was ok, something you did yourself.

Yes, I know that being ok with something in theory is different than being ok with it in practice. But, if you discover that to be the truth, you can’t blame your partner for this. You can renegotiate things. Agree that poly isn’t on the plate for either of you any more. Or not. It may end up being a deal breaker. However, you really don’t have the right to lay the blame at the feet of  your partner for you not being ok with something you assured him/her that you were fine with. If you realize that you are not fine with what you stated, there is nothing wrong with explaining this to your partner and dealing with it from there. You have to own that you have a part in the pain or issues you are experiencing. That you can’t do blame if your partner was told this was ok.

It’s one thing to find you have problems with something you thought you wouldn’t have. It’s another to have the relationships yourself, know your partner is working through somethings regarding that, and not be willing to do the same when the shoe is on the other foot. Double standards really rub me the wrong way. Maybe they bother me so much because I’ve lived through them. Dirk will be the first to tell you that he had them. And in a bad way. I believe Arwen has them about some things.

In all relationships in your life you need to treat each other with the respect and dignity that we are all due. Most specifically from those we trust with our feelings. With those we love and who profess to love us.


Franklin’s Map of Non-Monogamy

Check out this link. It’s rather interesting and entertaining at the same time.

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Our Anniversary

Dirk and I celebrated (hmmmm……we haven’t had the chance to do anything special though) our 26th wedding anniversary yesterday. I’ve been with this man a total of 28 years. WOW! We rock.

I love him so much and love that we are traveling this road together. The road we started years ago has had a ride that’s had it smooth, tranquil parts, some bumpy parts, some rather hilly parts and we’ve had to travel through some hurricane weather. We are still traveling our road together.

I love you, Baby!


Sex and Differences

I don’t often blog about sex. I more than admit that I like it and want it and find it in some ways essential. But, I don’t think I could end a relationship entirely over sex (or the lack thereof). It’s true that part of my attraction to someone is there attitude regarding sex and their ability to enjoy sex. Since learning to enjoy my sexuality after many years of repressing it (for reasons totally understandable), I find that sex is an important way of expressing myself. Whether that expression is love for a partner, the simple enjoyment of sex without love or whatever I want it to be.

This was Father’s Day weekend and I feel as if I received a gift instead of the guys. I was lucky enough to have individual time with both my men. And extra lucky for me, part of that time was engaging in sex! How lucky can one woman be?! Enjoying sex with either of them isn’t normally a rare occurrence, but occasionally the following just hits me and I revel in the ability and freedom to enjoy.

Part of any type of open relationship, no matter what you call it—-swinging, polyamory, open marriage, is the diversity of those you engage with. Today I’m strictly speaking of the diversity of those you engage in sex with.

My two men are so alike in may ways and I able to appreciate that. But they do have their differences and sex is one of those. Both are giving sexual partners thank goodness but for the most part that is where the similarities end. Some differences are:

They do not approach/broach sex with me in the same way.

They do not kiss me the same way.

They do not touch me the same way.

One is more vocal than the other.

One is more rough than the other.

They flirt with me differently.

They tell me they love me differently. In ways and in tone.

Still no explicit sex details for me here. I sometimes would like to do that better but I accept my writing limitations.

But, that wasn’t really my intention with this post.

I wanted to plainly state what is glaringly obvious to me at times…I’m so lucky! Poyamory has given us the chance to experience some very diverse relationships and that has truly enhanced our lives in many ways.

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The Talk Is Scheduled For This Weekend

That talk I wrote about a few months ago is supposed to happen this weekend.

I have been so very close to ending things with Chane because he just can not seem to do this. As I’ve stated, both here and to him, I feel this is essential to me and to the health of our relationship.

I’m nervous about how things are going to go. I hope he has thought of all the answers to the questions. I will do my best not to add questions to those I’ve already posed. I may have to ask questions to clarify his answers or to make sure I am understanding what he is saying.

I’ve debated and debated whether I am asking too much of him. And I’ve worried that it is unreasonable for me to ask this. It may be too much for him to cope with but I do not feel that it is an unreasonable request. It may be that he and I just can not come to a meeting of the minds and our relationship styles and personalities just do not mesh. Not something that is either his fault or mine.

It will just boil down to the fact that love is not always enough.

As much as I hope the outcome is more positive than this, I am preparing myself for the worst. I don’t believe, or want, the worst to be the outcome but I feel I have to be prepared to end things if there isn’t a better choice.

I really hope that things work out for us. I hope this is a healing talk.


What Is Monogamy?

I follow the blog of a very thought provoking man and with this post he set my mind to thinking. Well mostly in the comments section with this question of his to another reader “Not that I’m trying to pick a fight with you but I am curious; You stated you believe Swing and Poly are different. Yet you and your partner, who you are in a poly relationship with, go to a Swing club. By default doesn’t that show an overlap, even a small one, between Swing and Poly?”

In response to that I wrote in a comment of mine “PP, while she may be poly and she swings with her SO, why does that make the two related or a like? How is swinging with a poly partner truly different than swinging with a mono partner? I’m not being confrontational here but more curious.”

To which PP asked me this “Your comment confused me pretty good though. You said “How is swinging with a poly partner truly different than swinging with a mono partner?” Most common definitions for Monogamy include sex with only one partner and/or marriage to one person during a period of time. Given that definition, how can you swing with a mono partner? By default if you were Monogamous then decided to Swing wouldn’t your relationship then be defined as something other than Monogamous because you have more than one sexual partner?”

I tired to state my reasoning in a short amount of space with this…”My husband and I had been monogamous for 20+ years when we started swinging. And until I read about a year after we started that swinging was considered a form of ethical non-monogamy I wouldn’t have even thought along those lines. But even then I did not really consider us “non-monogamous”. Sure we had sex with others but that didn’t really count as not being monogamous in my mind I suppose. (Because I can separate sex and love? Most likely.)

Now, enter emotions into the equation. A whole different story for me. While I found it easy to share my husband sexually, I did NOT find it easy to share him emotionally. That is where the concept of non-monogamy probably first entered the equation for me.”

I guess my thoughts and beliefs at the time were that swinging really didn’t define monogamy for us. We had sex with others but we did it together. While we didn’t keep a sexual act for just us…as in we wouldn’t do something with a sex partner but would only do that one thing with each other…we did reserve love for each other. Sure, if we saw someone for sex more than once the possibility for a friendship would generally be there, but friendship and romantic love are so different.  We showed our monogamy with our love not with sex.

I’m becoming aware on different levels that most people do not separate the two things…love and sex…when considering monogamy.

Until love for others entered the equation, I (I’m more than fairly certain that Dirk felt the same but these are MY opinions I share here) basically still considered us to be monogamous. So we were swinging as a monogamous couple.

If I were to swing again, either with just Dirk or with just Chane or in any other combination, I would now consider myself to be swinging as a poly individual involved in two poly relationships. While polyamory is a different mindset by far that monogamy, I don’t see swinging as a monogamous person different than swinging as a polyamorous person.

I see where the two camps, swinging and poly, overlap at times. I know people that are part of both camps (myself included) and people that do not want to enter the other camp at all. I can understand that mentality since I’ve been on the far end of the swinging camp that I didn’t want getting close to the middle much less the other end of the spectrum.

The term my fellow blogger has coined for what we were practicing while swinging is “Emotional Monogamy”. I believe that describes it exactly. Dirk and I have ridden the rode of total monogamy, to emotional monogamy, to polyamory. It has at times been a long and complicated journey but even through it all we’ve grown and opened our mind to things we would never have considered. We will never think the same as we did before.

I noticed on my friend’s blog that he also has a term call Accidental Monogamy which he defines as “The result of you and your SO not having any other partners for a while. You plan more and more time together and at some point realize you have been seeing only each other for a significant amount of time. Not something that happens on purpose, but instead happens naturally.”

I’ve heard some people comment that in this situation these individuals are not poly. IMO, that isn’t the case. I’ve said before that I believe poly is a state of mind more than something that has to be practiced all the time. Does the fact that the individuals are only in one relationship each at the moment mean they no longer believe in poly or want to be poly or that they would turn now turn down an opportunity to see someone else if they had one? IMO (as that’s all this blog is really about), that isn’t the case. If you’re happy at the moment, then great! Not everyone can say that.

I’m asked at times if I would live monogamously again. Sure, I could do that. I was happy while I did so. But, because I believe in polyamory now, would I really be able to call myself a monogamous person? Or a poly person living monogamously?