Being in a rut

Ok, it seems, at least for now, that Arwen is not working a second job. Meaning it should be easier for us to see more of each other. Thing is, we’ve gotten used to not seeing each other and we are in a rut.

The next to last weekend in May, we all four went to Atlanta. A good, if stressful at times, trip. Long story there and one that I don’t need to get into for this post. My time with Chane was so much more like things used to be and once we returned that seemed to be lost again. This really slammed me in the face as to the condition we had let our relationship get into. And it really brought home to me what I had been trying to pinpoint in the problem with our relationship. Chane and I rarely “talk” any more. Sure, we pass words around but we haven’t really been connecting. We used to share so much and now our conversations seemed to be reduced to what happened at work. And frankly I’ve missed him and how we used to be. Growing is good and if change in a relationship is from growing that’s great. This change in our relationship seemed to be a regression not a progression.

We lost contact in a way. We got used to scheduling time for Chane and I around time that Dirk and Arwen could spend time together as well. Which pretty much left the one weekend a month that Dirk has off and that Arwen makes sure she has off as well. I got to where I didn’t feel like a second wife to Chane, or the girlfriend term he said was fun when we couldn’t think of a word to call each other. I was definitely beginning to feel like the fuck buddy or friends with benefits he hates to hear in connection with our relationship. I didn’t understand why he had decided he didn’t want a term that conveyed more than girlfriend the way he had said he did. And how I felt about him. Boyfriend just doesn’t say it all for what I feel for him. Since it was getting harder and harder to get him to communicate with me, I didn’t feel as if asking him why was an option. And it got to where he told Dirk he thought I was trying to pick fights with him. Dirk, after way more years of experience with me, told Chane that if I don’t feel like I’m getting any communication I will settle for it in the form of arguments. I know this is true but am not always aware that I am doing this. At the time, I feel I have legitimate issues (and I do) and Chane (or Dirk) is just refusing to discuss them with me and things get out of hand and an argument begins. When, if we were communicating well, and these issues came up, I would handle it differently and with a different attitude.

I finally just did not know where Chane and I stood and what he wanted from me and if he even still saw the same future for us he did. Or even if he saw a future for us at all anymore. Even though for the last few months we had one date night a month because I had insisted I needed and wanted that. (And Dirk and Arwen had them as well.) It still wasn’t enough. And I’ll be the first to admit sex was part of what I was/am missing. And that’s something that added to my insecurities with Chane. He no longer seemed to desire me and on the weekend we were together we may would have sex once the the three nights and two days we were together. Now, I know after two and a half years NRE isn’t there any more. But I was coming to feel as if I used to just be his new toy and he was tired of the toy now. I can’t help it. I like sex. I like sex with both my men, individually and together (and a threesome has been a least a year ago). And the truth is…not only was sex with Chane less frequent but it was less frequent with Dirk as well. Here, I’m the one that has been told (and accused of being unable to be satisfied) that I have the strongest sex drive of the four of us and I’m the one getting the least sex. WTF? Did I suddenly become undesirable? Gain too much weight? Did they suddenly decide sex with me was too much work? What?

Part of the non communication was Chane not telling me things that are going on in his life. The last two examples being just this past weekend. He didn’t tell me that he and Arwen were going to see his mother this weekend. And I found out only once they were almost there and Dirk was talking to Arwen in the room with me. I overheard Dirk ask if they there yet. Well, I’m the only one that didn’t know they were going. Dirk assumed Chane told me. And it isn’t that I care but it is something I would have shared with him. And it isn’t something that they got up Saturday morning and decided to do. Arwen had told Dirk before they even came down this past Wednesday night. (And yes, I instigated them coming here. At least I’m told it was me.) So, its something that he knew for days before they left. Am I wrong in thinking that is something it would have been nice if he told me? And then while chatting with him online last night, I found out he had started dieting on Friday. Didn’t see it as fair to eat things Arwen wasn’t eating on her diet in front of her. While I understand and encourage his thinking in this, his health is a source of concern for me and future meals I prepare for him will have to be adjusted with his diet limitations in mind. And how did he tell me? Just as an off hand comment that he wouldn’t have made if I hadn’t asked him a specific question about what caused his headache.

So, before he and I chatted last night, I sent him a text earlier in the day since our house phone is not working and we only get cell phone reception enough to get texts in and out at times. I basically told him that I need more. Well, at least want more. If what he has in mind for us is less than what I feel I need, I would at least try to live within the framework he sets out as long as I know what that is. I even suggested he think about if he even wants a relationship with me any more. I just have to have some structure and know that we have a common goal to work toward. We used to discuss goals for our relationship as a dyad as well as our relationship as a somewhat quad.

During our chat last night, he finally admitted to me that he would like to see me more. Actually, laid out what he would like. One night a week. Not just a date night for movies and dinner but one where we spend the whole night together even if that means somehow budgeting the money for a motel room once a week. WooHoo!! He does want a relationship with me. I told him I’m not content to be where we are now and he admitted to the same but feels we got into a rut trying to work things around Dirk and Arwen’s schedules. I even asked him what we would do if Dirk and Arwen somehow didn’t want more from their relationship than it currently is. I’m tired of the relationship Chane and I have being directly contingent on the one Dirk and Arwen have. And I’m tired of the same for them. Though, Chane and I are more supportive of encouraging Dirk and Arwen in their relationship no matter where Chane and I happen to be at the time. I guess we have more compersion than they do. Or we are something. Since I’m working on healing old wounds from Dirk and Arwen on my own I can be more secure in what they have together. I’ve always encouraged Dirk or we wouldn’t have even tried this. But, I’m better about telling him when I’m feeling insecure and he is better about trying to not do the things that bring that out in me. And those insecurities and reasons behind them are for another post.

I mentioned to Dirk last night (even though he has been sick) what Chane and I had talked about. He doesn’t seem to have a problem with it at all just how we’ll work out the logistics of it. And he’d like more time with Arwen too. I’ve been talking with Dirk about he and Arwen…what he wants there….Chane and I….what I want there. And we basically agree that if we are going to do this relationship with them we have to give it all we can. Schedules make that more at some times that others. Now, I haven’t talked with him a lot yet about what I’d like with Chane if Dirk doesn’t want more with Arwen or she with Dirk. Simply because I haven’t formed that in my head yet and I have to have a clear idea to communicate. Part of the reason I don’t know what I want in that situation is because I didn’t know where I stood with Chane. If he was content and happy with the way things have been then I had no recourse and having something with him regardless of what Dirk and Arwen had was immaterial. Now, that I know Chane wants more, I still need to see what he wants in that situation. If he still wants thing to be contingent on what Dirk and Arwen have, then what I want in those regards are still immaterial and now something Dirk need to concern himself with. Because, I’m aware that would be harder for Dirk to handle. I’m not going to take away from the progress he has made and say he couldn’t deal with it. I do know him and unless he has had some insights he hasn’t shared with me, he will have a problem with the unequal aspect if it comes to that. (Which is why, if we had entered the poly world intentionally, I would not have sought a relationship with another couple. I’ve learned that relationships do not grow at the same pace and are not often even equal at any given time no matter how hard you strive to make them so.)

Well, now that I have rambled and put several ideas off to other posts…two being my insecurities and the reasons behind them and my idea of a more practical way to have a poly relationship than the quad we are in…I’ll say that I’ve made this one post more than long enough and hope if anyone reads it they got the general gist of what I was trying to say.

BTW, the reason Chane said he preferred keeping the girlfriend title for me? Because of the fun he has with the guys at work when he talks about his wife and his girlfriend. He has such fun. He tells them the truth and not one of them believe him. Now, it is no longer and issue for me. I just needed the why of his choice. I like him to have fun with it and I do understand what was behind it now. So, alls cool there.