Loving More Than One

Polyamory as it relates to my life and written from my perspective only. MY thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Staying Friends With An Ex

Why is the concept of staying friends with an ex such a hard one to grasp for many people? Maybe the majority of people? What am I missing when I believe that it is possible?

I’ve lost touch with exes but once the healing point is past I’ve never thought I wasn’t willing to be friends of some kind. Why would I? I obviously saw something in this person that appealed to me. How would that completely go away just because we were no longer romantically involved?

Granted, this was all in my teenage years until recently. But I feel that way even now.

In high school my very best friend was an ex boyfriend. What would I have missed out on if we hadn’t been willing to get past that and find what we were truly meant to be to each other?

I’m at the stage now where I could be friends with Chane. I would actually like that. I know that we aren’t going to be best friends with the situation as it is. But what’s wrong with occasionally talking? What’s wrong wtih letting him know if I come across something I think he may like to know, would enjoy seeing or hearing? I personally don’t find a problem with that.

Such was the case either yesterday or Monday. I sent a text to Chane sharing what I had found with him. Not a big deal to me personally. But I found myself wondering how he would take it and how Arwen would take it and I questioned whether I should have sent it. Now that I find sad and disappointing.  Questioning myself on making contact with a person I was in a relationship with for four years.

And it got me to thinking about how others feel about this. Do you normally cease all contact when you split with someone? Or do you strive to stay friends? Do you think it is different depending on whether you are poly or mono?


Lovely Weekend

Dirk and I actually had a small vacation this weekend! Our son even commented as much.

We toured wineries….found a couple of good ones for sure and spent way too much money on wine. We are stocked up rather well now. And I look forward to uncorking a bottle tonight. The only problem will be deciding which bottle it will be.

We spent time with our youngest son and his girlfriend. Dirk and our son went fishing two mornings in a row. They really enjoyed that time together. I was invited and though fishing isn’t my thing for the most part, I’m more than willing to tag along. But I wanted them to have alone time. They’ve fought so much in the past and now are getting along so well. Dirk absolutely enjoyed this time alone with him.

I’m almost allergic to sun I say. I slather sunscreen on and still I can manage a burn. If not a burn, I at least tan under the sunscreen. I have very sensitive skin. I avoid long exposures to harsh sunlight as a general rule.

Even so, we spent time at the beach Sunday. Our son was working and I’ve been interested in what he does exactly. He rents jet skis on the beach. I wasn’t prepared for how physical the job is. Turning the skis around on the sand, holding the ski in the waves while riders get on, beaching the jets, and heading out to get people who have strayed too far or not come in on time. It’s not wonder he’s tired. Particularly the busy days. As the summer gets closer and more and more people show up at the beach, I can see his whole day being like it was the one time he was getting riders on all four skis at once. I have to admit, Dirk and I were rather proud of him. And he was so meticulous in giving each person renting the skis the instructions and safety tips.

We had a long, eventful, fun weekend that I need to be recuperating from but I have to work. 😦

BTW, both of us pointed out someone attractive to us. That isn’t unusual at all. What was is the fact we both felt they were too young.


Make a top ten list of favorite things to do you haven’t done in over a year

Things I haven’t done in over a year that I like to do? Wow, it’s amazing that so much time will go by without you doing something you like and you do not even realize it. It’s for different reasons that I haven’t done some of these. Money, time, choosing to spend time differently (with those you love), etc.

In no particular order as to enjoyment:

1. This makes it first on the list first because we are hoping to mark this off this weekend. Tour of wineries. Dirk and I enjoy this. It’s been more than a year since we’ve done this actually. It’s been several. Time has been a factor. This is something best done on a weekend since we do not have any close by. We spent his weekends off with Chane and Arwen. Since this is something not all of us would like, we didn’t do it I suppose. Money is an issue as well and none of us had it just any time we wanted to go. Since none were close by, it would involve spending the night somewhere. And me, well, if I’m touring wineries I’m going to want to bring home some of what  I sampled. I like wine.

2. Travel and see new places. Dirk and I like to see new places. We haven’t traveled any where new in a while.

3. Go to Savannah. Ok, this is absolutely one of Dirk’s favorite places. We haven’t been in about 5 years. Not since we met Chane and Arwen. We really wanted to go there with them. I can’t tell you why it didn’t happen really. We suggested it more than once.

4. Picnics. The kind you have at the house and the kind you have outside. I suppose I could have made these separate but they are the same thing. I just enjoy having them both places. It’s been a couple of years since Dirk and I have been on a picnic of any kind. The last one was at the beach watching the sunset.

5. Spending the day in bed with a lover. It’s been a while since we’ve done this. Shift work makes is difficult. We only have one weekend off a month. As stated, we chose to spend them with others until the breakup. Meaning this weekend was time we concentrated on our other loves. Truthfully, I’d have liked to do this with Chane as well. Never was able to. Partly because he needs to get up with his back and partly because Arwen wanted us up if she was up and about.

I’d like to get this on our schedule (yes, I’m not above scheduling this) with Dirk. It shouldn’t matter that our son and daughter-in-law have moved in. Maybe they’ll even take care of the dogs for us.

6. Photography. I haven’t just grabbed up my camera and taken pictures in who knows how long. I haven’t used my darkroom since before the boys were in their accident. I haven’t hand colored a photo since then either. (My artistic endeavors have been in crochet for a few years now. I’ve crocheted since I was 8 and my grandmother taught me. I’m just really accomplishing better things these day.)

7. Read. Well, it hasn’t been over a year since I read a book but I don’t do this as often as I used to. I guess you could say it’s been over a year since I’ve read 3 or more books in one week. I like to own my books and I’ve had to chose what I spend my money and time on lately.

8. Regular date nights. I don’t have regular date nights any more. I used to have a regular date each month with Chane. And with Dirk as well. How has it come about that I don’t get a regular date with either of them. A regular date is one I know is coming, one I can anticipate at least each month and know I will have that time with a lover. (I did have a date with Dirk Friday night and I knew about it for a week. I got to anticipate it. It was just the first in a while and I like to know I’m going to have them regularly.)

9. A pedicure. I haven’t had a professional pedicure in w while now. I used to go on a regular basis. It’s the money. With supporting our youngest funds are tight right now. That’s something I can save money on. I’d really like to have one soon though.

10. A bath. Don’t get me wrong, my hygiene is fine. I just haven’t had a bath more than a year. I take showers. Our house has two bathrooms and the smallest was mine while the other was the boys bathroom (named so when our children lived at home and all three guys shared it). Repairs need to be made to the one was mine. We are down to one bathroom right now and while it was just Dirk and I, that wasn’t too much of a problem. But the bathtub in this one is so not comfortable to relax in. Uncomfortable enough that I just won’t try a bath in it any longer. I would like to run a tub full of hot water, bubble or not, light some candles, play some soothing music, and have a glass of wine and just unwind.


Getting Used to Having Others Live With Us

Dirk and I are having to get used to sharing our house again.

Our oldest and his wife (and their dog) moved in a few weeks ago. They had lived with her parents about 45 minutes away while they were out of work. She finally got a job there but it wasn’t long before he got one here. Now they live with us until they can get on their feet.

It’s taken some getting used to. We’ve lived along for at least 2 years now.

We are all using one bathroom since the other needs some repairs and we haven’t been able to do them for a couple of reason. Now we have to worry about when everyone needs the shower and timing for the hot water heater.

Our daughter-in-law is still working at her job in the other city and has to use my car to get back and forth. So, I schedule that and have to make arrangements to be picked up at work on the days she has the car.

Cooking. Dirk works shift work and, when he is on evenings as he is now, I’ve gotten used to not cooking and eating cereal, a sandwich, and just any easy thing. They want meals. Thankfully, they don’t mind cooking and they cook enough for us all. But they generally eat late. If she is working until 8pm that means it is 9pm before she gets home. One of us either has it cooked to coincide to her arrival or it has to be done after she gets home.

Dirk and I have two short hair dogs. No shedding. They have a solid white long (well at least longer) haired dog. It sheds. Those while hairs are everywhere. You’d think we had a cat in the house. I’m getting a bit tired of that I have to say. I bought them a desheding comb the other day. The dog doesn’t like it much but they used it some.

Laundry. We can’t plan on the washer and dryer being free now. It was my first eye opener. I went to go wash clothes for a trip I had to take for work and I found both the washer and dryer in use. Not so bad until you take into account that I had procrastinated on washing them and this was my last chance if I didn’t want to lose sleep doing it.

We don’t mind them living with us. It’s just an adjustment.


Days of Truth: Someone You Didn’t Want to Let Go, But Just Drifted

In high school, my best friend was a guy. Yep, really. We tried the boyfriend/girlfriend thing once. Best friends is what we ended up as.

I stayed in touch with him through letters even after I was married. Considering how jealous Dirk would get in the beginning this is actually amazing I suppose. Then again, even though they had never met (still haven’t) I think he could tell what it was with us.

I guess I should say that I had to move away while still in high school and that’s the beginning of the drifting. Of course the same may have happened after graduating even if we lived in the same state.

He and I kept in touch. I got married and we kept in touch. He got married and it started being just Christmas cards from him. Then it was Christmas cards signed by his wife. Then it was nothing.

I haven’t heard from him in years.

I google him to try and find him now, have looked on Facebook and such and I can’t find him.

I’d really like to get in touch with him to catch up.

I guess we lost touch because he got married. It’s the mono thing I imagine. I thought this before poly ever entered my life. I can’t think of much else. I don’t suppose his wife liked him keeping in touch with another woman, much less an old girlfriend (even if that was very, very brief). A concept that I’ve never really embraced even when mono.

I would like to know how he is doing, where he’s at in his life. Does he have grandchildren yet? Maybe not, as if I remember correctly his children are a few years younger than mine. But you never know.

Oh, one thing I know from the Christmas cards is that we have sons with the same name….one of each of ours. And he named another of his a name Dirk and I were thinking of. Just odd, interesting facts.

Anyway, I’d love to sit down with him alone, with him and our partners as well, and catch up one day.


Another Post From a Fellow Blogger

I found a rather fun, informative and to me a tad amusing (in a sad way) post today. Although it has permission to share the information I thought I would just post a link to it so that you can explore this blog as well. You’ll find the post here.


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Positive Affirmations

I feel alive, energized and motivated to take on any task in front of me.

I need to start believing in the power of positive affirmations. I’ve had people tell me that in the past.

For example, saying “I’m skinny” when you want to lose weight type of thing? That has always seemed silly to me and maybe dishonest. I’m not skinny so I shouldn’t say that I am.

I’ve been thinking about the power our thoughts have over us lately. Just a few small things that has given me food for thought. I’m seeing the other side of this now I believe. Telling myself that I am skinny doesn’t mean I’m not aware of the fact that I need to lose weight. I means I’m thinking positive about the efforts I am making to achieve my weight loss. It means that I am projecting what my goal is. Not that I live in a reality of my own when I say that.

That’s actually quite a big thing for me to get to. I’m a realist for the most part. (Some say pessimist.) To say something positive in the hopes that it will come true is so out of character for me.

I’m going to try this out I believe. Just stay grounded. Not create an alternate universe where I believe what I am saying is the absolute truth and not understand why you can’t see that I am skinny just because I say that I am. 🙂

I’m hoping positive affirmations of many kinds help me with the work I am wanting to do on myself. I will concentrate on one aspect a day…or for several days at a time. I will not overload myself with affirmations that address more than on thing a day.

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Working On Me

Being in the rut I mentioned in this post has made be realize something. Or maybe it was noticing the rut I’m in.

As long as I’m in this place in my head or whatever a rut is, I won’t be putting myself back out there for another relationship.

I’ll tell myself I don’t have the time or energy for it. That it isn’t worth some of the things I’ve gone through. That I may not choose wisely. That I won’t find someone that appreciates me for being me.

It’s easy to tell yourself those things, even if you know they aren’t true, when you are in such a place as I am right now.

Then again my friend, Jack, told me that part of this is the same as a single person who ends a relationship and is gun shy of entering another. I thought about that and it’s true.

But it’s also that I want to get myself back. I’ve come a long way in how I think and I’m quite happy with that. I want to be happy with the things I do in my life. The things I expend my energy on. I want to be more balanced. I want to do it healthier. Hell, I want to be healthier.

I need to make goals. For my health, for my life in general, and for advancing to the stage when I am ready to date again.  Some of those goals may need time frames but some of them won’t.

It’s just a good time to make some improvements in myself.


Good Post On Trust

I’m behind in keeping up with some of the blogs I read. Not the most unusual thing for me. 🙂

I found a post on trust here that hit a chord with me. It’s something that I’ve had to learn and I still have to stay on top of it. I have to trust myself.

I basically agree with his method of trusting until you are given a reason not to. But it’s been a long road for me to get to the trusting myself stage of his remarks.


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Do you ever just find yourself in a rut? Maybe more than one of them at a time?

I do. I am in that rut in a way. In the things I get accomplished in a day. I just don’t get as much done. Either at work or at home or even at play/fun. And I don’t think I realized it until something was pointed out to me recently.

How the hell did I get here?

I know that have been things that has just caused major turmoil in my life. The wreck my children were in was the beginning of this for me I believe. In the beginning Poly was one of them. I’m not blaming poly for any of this. It’s how I chose to handle it that is the problem I believe.

Yes, it took so much of my energy to just make it through a day after the wreck and even 4 years ago when Dirk feel in love with Arwen. I mean, it was all I could do to get up much less keep things running well.

That isn’t the case now so, how come I still have some of those same things still going on. Not the getting up everyday but it’s like during all that I forgot how to function and now I still am not doing it well. Now that I don’t need to spend all my energy just on making sure breath is flowing in and out of my body, I should be doing better.

I think it is a rut. I got used to letting things slide as long as they could. To just coping with what I absolutely had to at the moment just to make it through a day. Because so very much came up to cope with. And some difficult stuff at that. During times such as that, some things are just not a priority right then.

I think I’ve failed in putting some things back on the priority list.

Also, so much of my energy was used up with dealing with the drama of things in my life, that I reserved as much of it as I could. Who knows when you may need it?

Now, that drama isn’t a part of my life right now (drama, not stress), I’m seeing how far I’ve let things go. Now, I need to get back on track. Maybe more flexible than I used to be but more structured than I am right now.

I don’t need to reserve energy or anything now in the fear that I will have something major to cope with. I’m not going to let the drama in my life again that has been a daily part of it until recently.

Sure, things will happen. I’ll have to draw on my resources again. Just not so continually as I have been. When it is the exception instead of the rule, I’ll find what I need when I need it.

I don’t want making it through the day to be my biggest goal any more. I’m going to have to find the motivation to take my life back in ways that I hadn’t even realized I needed to. I think I’ve gotten lazy about some things because I put so much effort into other things.

Makes me wonder….was it a drastic change to this? Was it a gradual one? Maybe some of both I suspect.

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